Monday, December 29, 2025 (9:40pm)
here we go again,
found some N
Y>/a>
C live streams
working on anger
angry because he said 'glass is a good hobby'
like he was right the whole time
what the fuck was that?
is he allowed to be right and I'm fucking wrong, again?
should I say thank you?
am I obligated?
will it piss them off?
no, they are busy going to see their good son
ok so maybe that is 10 minutes
this is good to do, daily
so then what?
Saturday dec 27, 2025, (11:23pm) live from highland drive
ok here we are,
I don't know if I have another entry from 2025
I've tried to refresh my online journal
mixed results
not sure when my last 'confession' was
or what's happened since
I'm pretty sure I didn't have a lifering meeting every sunday that I host
and I've been doing that since October 1, 2023
(it's a workbook meeting but I really just hold the space for anyone
who needs to connect
I'm not perfect
I'm full of vices,
who isn't
is recovery possible without sobriety?
'sobriety' implies the absence of mood/mind altering substances
so maybe not
so, I got sober starting on March 1, 2021
I have a job at NASA
I work near spaceships
on equipment set to test space vessels and craft
I'm working on why am I angry with my parents
am I actually?
what does it mean to be angry?
does the anger come from fear?
where does that fear come from?
that may be really all I got
I've been active
somewhat hoping to stay anonymous...
eh...
AI has gotten very good
ok folks, I'm getting tired
I turned into a pumpkin 4 minutes ago
until next time...
10/10/2025, 8pm
I feel like I'm ignoring something
im ignoring the real trouble that is survival
I'm so entangled in her emotion
then I get blamed for not listening or caring
I get blamed for not connecting
I knew she wanted trouble this morning
when she asked for connection then realized I have too much to say
I listened I tried as long as I could
she wasn't going to be happy until her thesis was right
that she is alone and has NO SUPPORT
no support means NO SUPPORT
I was there I was listening to her trying to comfort her for a 30 minute drive
I literally timed it.
she has so much turmoil
it's hers not mine,
it's really hers
I feel like I'm neglecting her if I don't join in.
I feel like it's my job to be affected by her
I can't care any more than I do, for what?
it's not sex
it's not even warmth
I am so distracted by this, i can barely study.
I can blame it on that
blame my distraction
it really stresses me out
bad
I don't want to function like this
this is escape, so bad
I have 5 more sections, lectures videos and problems due before the quiz tomorrow at midnight
my hope is that writing this will help me get it off my chest
will help me put this down.
so it doesn't go anywhere
ok is that enough time wasted?
Thursday, January 9, 2025 (10:44pm)
holy shit 2025!
Happy New Year
so it has been a good while since I wrote to you
just had some sparkles in my sight when I typed that
maybe it's eyes of the future reading this
probably not (how would that explain when I get them after rubbing my eyes in the shower)
either way so much has happened
did I mention I quit drinking?
got a job at the Toledo Museum
lost a bit of my website
got a job at NASA
visited NYC, Paris, Warsaw and a night in Helsenki
wrecked my Tesla Model 3
got a Tesla Model Y
now I'm trying to have compassion for the 10 year old kid I was.
I'm realizing I really hate that kid
he's too cool for his own good
he thinks he's funny and good looking
he's lonely inside but is pushing so hard to not feel it
am I the one who he's been waiting for to show him some compassion
38 years later?
oh yes I also turned 48
another year of the dragon passed,
I'll be 60 for the next one
oh and I enrolled in classes for a ME degree
taking Differential Equations right now
interesting, I hope my professor keeps on the way his first
video showed
ok, thanks guys
until next time
2025 - what a time to be alive!
oh and I think I'm feeling feelings now
more than I ever have...
Wednesday, March 27, 2024 (9:09pm) Sandusky
here we are again,
I don't have the energy to:
start a new website
(sit with feelings)
clean up the basement
fix the water system
put in a new door
noticing all these people leaving their numbers and emails
and invitations to hang out across the country
and I keep them away
Fri, Feb 16, 2024 at 7:18 PM(warsaw),
Rafal’s mom is dying
Jesus I didn’t even know
Hopefully aneta gets to see him later in the week
Oh god
Whatevs
Weird dream about walking up 48(th?) looking for breakfast with my headset in from work,
interjecting about opening the portal
Opening Bernie’s
feb 16 2024 6:28pm(warsaw, poland)
Warsaw Poland(8/13/2026 edits: this is from a crazy trip to poland/paris/poland)
this trip was crazy and it started with a broken zipper(I planned on taking this cool longsleeve shirt and the zipper broke the morning we left)
stinky car exhaust(warsaw smelled like car exhaust)
stinky car exhaust
awesome paris(paris was great, went to see a Rothko retrospective in the at the Louis Vitton)
uniqlo(our luggage was lost going from poland to paris, so we had to make multiple trips to uniqlo, and never filed claims for insurance reimbursement in time :()
sweaty arms(puffer jackets from target don't breathe)
lost luggage(I don't even remember how many times our luggage was lost)
sickness(then I got sick after returning to Warsaw)
shitty meds(went to several Aptekas, stayed in the hotel for two days)
fatty liver disease(got a free ultrasound and she saw a fatty liver)
uber uber uber(I don't remember)
cold pizza(I have no idea what this means)
12/27/2023 (7:16am) Sandusky, Ohio (NASA, ATF, GRC)
good morning
didn't sleep much
(3 hours)
fighting with Aneta
my parents
my brother
my self
since my last entry:
I got a job at NASA
working on Magnix, electric motor,
working on the Sierra Space Tenacity
building cables for SpaceX
I read some previous entries,
I didn't know I journaled about resentments I had
don't know what year it was
oh, and I lost my website after 24 years
I can blame myself for not checking earlier,
or blame web.com for charging the wrong credit card
or blame Aneta for rejecting the charges on the wrong card
or me for not backing up in over 10 years
I'm lucky I found some of it
I think I have 1999-2013, 2015, 2016, 2020-2023
but we will see when I have time
I never have time
I should make a list of what to do
call web.com,
compile what I saved,
complain about web.com
get a new account
cancel Grok
write letters with Grok and ChatGPT
8/22/2023 (7:24pm)
Sandusky, Ohio
Here we are,
You may think, I thought
This is just a place for me to vent about work bullshit,
At the TMA or NASA or Tesla
But it's not all difficulty at work
(Not really)
Anyways, I remember when I first stared putting my location
in the text, I believe it was in Columbus, Ohio
I didn't really travel anywhere
and I didn't have an online way to write these entries
I remember being at a bar named Dow's
I've since written from New York, Poland, Sandusky, Pennsylvania, Florida
Hawaii, and California
that's not supposed to be an impressive list,
but I remember those places.
I owe myself 20 minutes of contemplation
exercise work on my self
8/21/2023 (8:28pm)
Sandusky, Ohio
I feel weird for not being 'friendly' with people, at work,
businesslike,
but also not personal,
I stop and talk for a minute or two,
but why does it bother me
if I'm getting my work done and at a pace I like,
whatever,
tomorrow I'll start in the trailer.
and keep going from there,
I shouldn't worry about what they think,
or how I think I should be.
and Bryan Manderfield,
I found myself cursing him because I'm not sure if I really even care.
funny because I truly do dismiss people I don't care about.
(And actually concerned to write about him because he might find it,
funny, though he might be the first person I named by name in this whole document
you got it, man, you're immortalized.)
nice enough guy, just never felt interested in him or his story
maybe I dismissed him, for one reason or another, peer pressure,
insecurity, etc.
Whatever
wtf, well either way it's fucked. I'm an asshole I have to deal with that.
why do I feel like I have to be perfect, and liked and friendly and whatever.
it's like a family but I ended up with pretty abrasive dudes at work,
I know it's just a show but still.
so I'm planning my workday tomorrow,
should be fun
I can be thorough because I need to be,
I can bring ear protection for tomorrow.
or forget it and wear what they have there.
whatever,
I hope I can plug in and listen to podcasts and work.
am I truly happy when I can do that, half excel and half podcastable worktime
and I found out that I'm still aligned with tesla's mission.
I should let Phiroze know, lol
okay is that 20 minutes yet?
and I spent the first five looking at rc tamaya porsches, hmm
thing is,
I want to be rich enough to have multiple porsches,
and a lift to do it on.
am I getting too old to do these things?
should I exercise?
should I at least, what? diet? walk?
who knows.
Here's to another day
Sunday, April 16, 2023 (5:53pm) live from Sandusky, Ohio
Hello
today I learned that Plug 2, Trugoy the Dove died
back in February 12, he was 54
Rest In Peace, Plug 2
so I also learned that "Trugoy" is "Yogurt" backwards
I have no idea why
I also learned there is almost zero record on the internet of the De La Soul show
Neal and I went to in Columbus (2003-4?)
I'll keep digging and make record of it, if I can
Speaking of records, tomorrow I'll start my second week of working at NASA
after working at the Toledo Museum of Art for 7 months
I left and am on to this next thing
I hope I have the smarts and temperament to do it
most like patience, I think
that and I have to go easy on the stupid jokes
what else can I say that I never told you?
I'm 2 years and about 45 days sober
I got a sponsor,
I'm working the steps and reading the big book
I have a better perspective on glass,
art, and what it means to make my own art
and what my art is
and I say "we"
2/8/2023(9:32am)
why does everything always fall apart?
there is always some chaos
in my life
my uncertanity leaks out to the world,
and it hurts me
it doesn't hurt me,
but it takes my power.
I have power in connection
my fucking high fives are great
I don't need to look at the elbow
I gave them to the JJC kids, and my students
get real,
deliver high fives
Aneta is always breaking down
no matter how much I say or don't say
not true, it's better if I don't say what concerns me
is it my fault or hers
is there a fault?
I really don't know
now back to my grind
that's what I do
my inner conflict is more important than anything else
I need an easy job
all of this, too will pass
2/1/2023(2:03am)
this can be a journal entry
yesterday:
the doc said 'bust you out of here'
I got put on steroids
I talked about wanting a 'meaningful job'
as if I made a difference in that job,
is it lazy to not make a difference in a job?
to just feel like I'm doing good by just being an employee
maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm lost without an employer telling me how I will save the world
submitted a resume to work at NASA,
Can I do it?
I think I can, I can do anything.
if I hear back at all
went to the doctor and the nurse said "you're bundled up"
that kind of felt like a slight?
my feelings can't be trusted...?
and why?
Then _______ says "see ya"
did I do wrong for not knowing they needed triangles?
cut for outreach
because I didn't ask,
and nothing was communicated to me
surefire way to bring out my insecurity
I didn't know there were so many GD outreach things going on
and the outreach calendar will say "flat glass"
a week ago I was told just cut it all
so I grabbed the nearest pile of stuff and did it
I thought I was doing her a solid by not messing with what she had going on
that's not my fault
it's pretty fucked up.
I guess things are changing,
I'm asked to stay in my lane
and my innovation and help is not taken well
Then lex left early
sign something was wrong
don't fucking be mad at me
because I didn't have a set plan?
because I said 'she' a couple of times
did I?
because I started the last demo session late?
because I took over her bench to check on someone?
fuck that they(singular) doesn't blow glass
either way I have GB2 tomorrow,
a binary TA,
I hope I don't offend
I've been told to be sensitive to LGBTQIA2S+
that's actually hard when they are looking to be offended.
and I say they in reference to a specific human
not a singular non-specific member of a general group
fuck
well, have a nice morning, what's left of it
see you on the other side of Wednesday.
ps. then Erica Bennet wants money for nothing,
does the insurance pay for it?
and Tesla wants to take ESPPQD as income
all this shit I need to solve
and aneta is worrying about something that isn't happening yet
(3:53am)
I guess aneta was sharing her feelings and I took it as offense
so I barked at her
and sat in bed hearing how bad I was for barking at her,
instead of telling her "everything will be fine"
will it?
will it be fine?
I saw it as her telling me to go to bed,
as she always does
somehow this was different
she manifests our argument of the next day within minutes
I manifest our argument within minutes
my head felt stress
my brain felt like driving into a frozen lake
she's the victim
not me bacause I am the agressor against being a victim
when above I just spelled out how I've been the victim all day
and not stood up for myself at all
I'm supposed to write good things that happened today.
nobody got burnt (except me)
I think I had a successful class
(8/22/23 edit: sorry for the rant, what a mess I was! take it easy buddy, please!)
1/27/2023(7:38am)
I heart my magnetized 7x7 cube,
although I've never solved it
I'm listening to Marcus Areleus
Meditations,
his whispings of thoughts
hard to understand because he speaks with thou and thy
ridiculous
I'm working at the Toledo Museum of Art
something like 5-6 days a week
for 24 weeks now and my w2 for 22 weeks said I made $14k
the math says that's $636 a week.
how do I make that work?
I made 25 tiny pumpkins in one day,
even if I sold those for $26 each,
I'd make my $650 for the week
anyways, maybe I revisit my pumpkin calculator
to see how many pumpkins I need to pay bills.
and I'm journaling,
researching Alexithymia
my lack of emotions and
identifying my emotions.
But first, I need to brainstorm how I/we can make this TMA job work,
with a night schedule
with two non-consecutive days off
with an hour-each-way commute
I'll keep you posted...
or I won't,
we'll see.
1/2/2023 (12:26am)
hi, I found a journal entry about career choices,
and realized there were a lot of journal entries made this year
last year too, probably
at one point I was trying to write 3 pages every morning
that didn't last
now I'm lucky to get one page in
I said I don't get angry anymore
I said I'm working on feeing feelings
that's kind of true
when I don't get distracted or
lazy
maybe I should budget my commute time
make sure I have the hour to and from work
to get something done
I'm so shameful about w on my c
but why?
is it an addiction or is it just normal
why not be normal
maybe once a week or twice
fucking who cares
well it's the new year
I guess you can see where my head is at, lol
this year I think I hope for balance
so I can find meaning
while finding and promoting abundance
Happy 2023, what's it gonna be?
12/24/2022 (12:10am)
hello, looks like I missed my 46th birthday by 10 minutes
another year passed
I've been back in glass since August
I honestly don't know how this will end or anything like this
I don't even know how far back I need to update this website
ok, I can't really type when Elon Musk is talking.
this is the first year I didn't contact my parents on my birthday
maybe they'll get it
maybe not
12/26/21(12:06am)
Hi, it was the minutes after Christmas,
And I think I managed to lose all my entries for the past 11 months
All the shit from Tesla
All the shit from 2021
Hawaii, California, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana
All of that.
Anyhow today I didn't really talk to any of my family
My aunt who estranged herself from the family for decades
Asking me how I'm doing
Boundary set
1/31/2021 (1:58pm) Dubin, Ca.
Ok, so I missed more days (9/100)
I'll calculate how many days a week I'll need to get to 100 in 2021
(It's one entry every 3.3 days, so about 3 entries a week to stay on track for 2021)
This would be the most ever in a year (I think)...
I'm finally cleaning my room, kind of-just did dishes
Gotta get Aneta's Roth IRA setup
And gotta order the camera mount I want>
And gotta archive 2020
(Should I group decades together?)
I guess we'll find out if I do that or not
Just cut and pasted someone's comment section...
Oh yeah I was going to try to make html editable from a browser for this blog
(Decades ago)
Now on to my desk and laundry.
Maybe I'll poop
Maybe I'll go to work
Ok, here goes nothing
1/28/2021 (2:39am)
Well I missed a few days
I guess I never said "100-consecutive-day-challenge" (8/100)
(Next question?)
Well I'm actually surprised that I can contain this drivel in my mind this whole time
Working on getting a Roth IRA going...
1/23/2021 (3:46am)
Day seven of the 100 day challenge
Just had a toss
FSD is pretty amazing
Can't imagine it just getting better from here
I may do some posting to the internet, we'll see
So calculations with annual returns, cost of living, taxes due
We'll see when it's time to live by the spreadsheet
(1/22/2021)
Well, day 6 of my version of the #100daychallenge
Not as nice as dancing with incredibly sexy women
But here I am.
Had a fit of fury today,
I don't know if working with my group embodies the spirit of Tesla
Another revelation I had today is taxes
So assuming approximately 40% of the money we cash out goes to taxes
We'd need 100 to get 60
Now that may not be true because long term capital gains are taxed differently
Maybe as low as 20% or lower
So I'll do more calculations.
Cheers and vodka beers
1/21/2021 (2:28pm)
Day 5/100dayChallenge
Oh we, I have a meeting in an hour
Meaning I have to jump in the shower now
Today my shrink suggested 'what color is your parachute'
Like a kid again
4 of 100daychallenge Hi I'm in my Dublin dorm
Making a famous rice bowl
Just keep adding and adding stuff
So far today: Biden is inaugurated
Self driving drove itself from the highway exit to my driveway last night
I think it's good, starting this habit
To write, chat, speak, wax poetic, etc
Some of my favorite things
Listening to Ummagumma, watching a Dr. Lucy Massage Okay plus I can test my 'a' href stuff
(Doesn't work)
Peace and elbow grease
1/19(/2021) 10:32am Dublin, CA
I guess this is day 3 of #100daychallenge
I'm contemplating the depth of black that you see
When you look into someone's eyes
The black when you see reflecting off the inner wall of a person's eyeball
It would be as dark as a human eye can see, of course
Because it's absorbing everything a human eye can
Unless some anomaly means the range of colors I see is different than yours
Just finished the first season of American Gods
And now I remember, Odin, my once-roommate's rabbit
If I road tripped to Penland in 2003 or 2004
Then that's when I read this, and Odin was my roommate
Perhaps I should look into Odin
And what his namesake keeps
Odin is hard to understand
God of wisdom, poetry, and war
Wednesday is Woden's day
apparently more concerned with the chaos of war than the outcome
1/18/2021 (9:48pm) Dublin, California
So this is recovered from losing all of 2020
Including a day 1 of a 100 day challenge
Started yesterday.
I almost forgot day 2, today
Yesterday I talked about the recent interest in self tattooing
And the discovery of Twitch streaming Skyrim
Anyways,
As of late, our stock holdings are the main preoccupation
Of us
The back of my head tells me I should take the money and run
The other part says, just stay in longer and
Never have to work again.
I hope I'm not jinxing this
It's possible Tesla is stoppable
Also possible Tesla is unstoppable from here.
It's also possible the price goes down for a while
Only to grow slowly for the next 3 years
The best case is to be able to hold it all until then
This is honesty like no other today, but
(can't be published because transmit is stealing entries)
Wednesday, October 7, 2020, 6:20AM
how I feel right now - tired
when do I feel the insecurity - when I think
what is it - like I'm not good enough
what causes it - insecurity, mistakes
how do I relate that to the past - failure, not being good enough
6/3/2020 (2:05am) San Jose, California
hi, I had a few thoughts today
at this moment, I guess it's possible we are alone in this universe
I wonder how many civilizations, nay individuals have had similar experiences as mine
god says none, thats why I'm special...
I'm put on this earth for maybe 100 years,
while processes on this planet take millions of years to progress
I am one of 7.5 billion people on earth,
which is one of 9 planets in our solar system
our star, the sun is one of 100 billion stars in our galaxy
and there are estimated up to 2 trillion galaxies in the observable universe.
there could be another thing out there looking for the same answer as I am
right now, or 267 million years before or after me and I'll never know
as far as the complexity of our existence here, as humans
I guess that's all we get
if we can reliably continue to blow our own minds
I don't think we need anything else,
doubt we could even handle anything else.
just makes me question what the purpose is,
likely to enjoy it
Does all life contemplate this?
only humans have the luxury of not being full-time hunters or prey?
why are we convinced no other life on this planet can conceive of what's out there?
our clusters of nerves are so similar,
why the fuck not?
profundity
sadness of George Floyd calling for his mother who passed 2 years to the day(source)
sadness of my life, and pettyness of this trans woman
who needed the pity party
then to find out shes going to law school,
and my greatest accomplishment to this day
is buying an eye patch to try to fix my lazy eye.
to be honest I was taking a small dig,
asking her to toughen up, it's not like shes black
speaking of which I wonder if Jennifer Bell's campaign
is going to get derailed by a comment on facebook about breaking windows
all these petty thoughts to the backdrop of a pandemic,
where avoiding physical contact is the only means of protection...
and riots for 3 days straight in every major city in america,
there was even a protest on Perkins Ave
why Perkins?
possibly because there is a Krogers, Big Lots, Dollar General, Tractor Supply Co
all within a reasonable walking distance?
There is literally nothing to loot downtown but some bars and restaurants
and Walmart, home depot, Menard's and Lowes are protected by oversized parkinglots.
all this and that, and the fact that I miss my wife and my life at home
ok, I'm back from the reddit/facebook time suck
forget about it
I ate that cheese and it was tasty,
but now I have a rash on my forehead
fucking whatever
cheese is dumb
Sunday April 19 , 2020 (10:43am)
when is the outrage going to amount to anything?
I've been saying this for a while now,
Maybe I'll keep saying it until a google search result
Brings it up, verbatim
I dont want to go out but I do have to send this thing.
Cheers mate
Notes on living with an airborne illness
Get your fashion mask on
Filter the air you breathe and the spittle you spit
Keep your distance
Monday, April 13, 2020 (1:38am)
Hi, so I got a room,
a place to sleep
That's not my car
Mind you, it comes with a shower, a toilet, and running water.
huge, it's huge.
(And now never)Forget that I had to clean up the former tenant's jizzstains on the carpet
It took less than 10 minutes and I used what I assume was more soap than I needed
(We will see when it dries lol)
So, there is a lot of relief attached with not having to drive around in circles
For an hour to look for a place to park
Or worry that whatever light or sound I'm creating is a tell to the car's occupancy
worry that my co-workers will spot my homeless situation
Worry that it'll be cold enough to be woken in the middle of the night with not enough blanket coverage.
Maybe I should give my sleeping bag to a cold, homeless guy
My landlord is cooking fish,
When he told me he doesn't cook
I smell bullshit, fishy bullshit
I'm just glad to be in a room for less than he could charge for it
He's not a hoarder, more like a doomsday prepper but with weird ass shit
I feel like he's in the bulk buying trap, but Ali-Baba-not-Cosco level.
It's possible he bought 10 pairs of the same shoe in 4 different sizes at Costco
I think I've only been there for the pizza
Anyways, thanks to him I have a place
And I celebrated by having a damn good Shower-Beer
This is really only one of maybe 3 I remember
One, my first was in Fort Meyers on spring break
Still learning how to adult
Another I remember because of a picture of a crisp Carlsberg that I took,
And maybe posted somewhere, or something...
But it feels like it was before the time of 'social media'
Anyhow, this is the second, actual memorable shower beer celebration.
The first night off the streets
That's not necessarily true, I would go back to Ohio and sleep in a bed
With Aneta, and quarantining without
But it's not the same
Definitely some anxiety about returning to the "van live"
I'm for sure not a "Van Life For Life" type
More like "Van Life For About 6 Months or So"
What did I learn?
Well, definitely agree with the saying
"Don't ever pass up the opportunity to relieve yourself"
Showers are damn important
Having time to yourself in a safe place is important
Compounding the stress of being away from Aneta
With the insecurity of living literally on the street
Is distracting, at least
Impossible at most
I don't know what I learned
I learned that nothing gets accomplished well
When you are living a lie
I was exhausted
And never got any rest
So if I was ever paranoid that I don't have a key to my door
Or there are 2 strangers living under this roof,
With only a cheap end table half in front of the door
To protect me in my sleep
I'm going to sleep just fine
Unless I won't
Alright I'm sleepy
Remember to get money from US bank and do laundry tomorrow
Peace out and sleep in beds!
Saturday, April 11, 2020, (8:43pm) Tesla Kato Road
Worry: don't have $1520 as tomorrow is easter
Worry: about calibrations not jiving with schedule.
I warned Tim.
Anyways, I found a place that looks promising.
Stop with your bullshit
Insecurities magnify your problems,
Really, they do
march 27, 2020 (1:47am)
live from Highland Drive in Sandusky, Ohio!
so, I'm here on thursday, having been on shutdown from work for a week
wondering if life on the edge is good for me
que face breakout
ohio is probably a safer place to get sick/not get sick
that said, maybe we'll go back into work sooner than not
I hope I get another week,
could be cut short
we will see
of all the places hit hard, california is doing the best
probably because everyone just gets into thier cars
and doesn't rub elbows with other people
just like ohio but times 10
ok,
back to work
cheers!
Me 3-20-20 3:36pm somewhere over the United States
Corona virus is getting bad,
We are starting to clamp down on things here in the states.
Of course they say not to trust the news
But at least it moves fast these days.
I don’t know if places are shutting down because things are bad
Or because things aren’t getting better.
News outlets tell of politicians being very wary of this pandemic
As far as I know things in Italy have not gotten better, and Germany is next.
I am worried that I will get home and get aneta sick
We are doing a quarantine of my clothes and everything I have
2 weeks of quarantine
I wonder what the planet will be like in 2 weeks
March 17,2020
milpitas, santa clara county, ca
the 6 counties surrounding san francisco bay
were ordered to stay home
my gym is closed now,
who knows how long for
tesla will stull keep the factory open
and we, the vehicle test team will continue
to support manufacturing.
is this a rockstar ego thing?
our groupa are not essential to building cara to kwep tesla alive
is management thinking:
if elon is going to work
I gotta do the same,
if elon doeant think this is a big deal
i dont think its a big deal?
i was disappointed in elin pkaying this virus down
like he hadnt heard the news since last week
the numbers arent great, but not terrible
Sunday, January 5th, 2020 (10:03am) Fairview Lanes, Sandusky, Ohio
archive day 2020!
done here in sandusky
while I was here I:
cooked vegan-plant based meals
installed an electric fence
built Tashi a step ladder and a platform
fixed the guilded lamp
unpacked my tools and hardware
setup the basement
here goes with the archive
ok, so happy new year!
2020 sounds weird
I guess I'm in crisis mode
even if I were in an apartment it'd still be weird
2020 may it bring plenty!
feeling rejected
some thoughts about my ego
some thoughts about how small our group is
about how 'maybe it's not a bad thing'
about don't tell me how to drive
about how I'm not the one being the dick, Dick
here's a new one:
whatever I get,
I deserve
whatever I deserve,
I get
is that true
or is that victim-talk 101
ultimately I'll get what I want
right?
one way or another
and in the end all of my choices
will have made sense
no matter how many years it is in the making
maybe reading deepak chopra's book will do something
my solution, work, run, be busy while my mind stews
Monday, August 19, 2019 (9:53am) FREMONT, CA
Believe it or not,
I’m here with something to say
Something about my shit being oatmeal-y
Something about living in my car but taking showers every day
Something about starting to work out and being glad to take it slow
Something about putting $160 earbuds in the wash,
or buying a $200 wetsuit that costs me $30 in gas to use...
Something about not having a place for my surfboard, and the rear seat of a 12-year-old Ford Edge
Something about selling Ford Edge parts for rediculous prices on ebay
Something about my arm not really getting better despite stretching and icing all the time
Something about what I want from life.
But for that, you’ll have to wait and see.
Cheers!
August 4th 2019, 5:54pm
Sitting here contemplating the plan when I land
Gotta hold up the surfboard
Gotta free up space for sleeping
Use the front seat for the toaster oven and blender.
Hang clothes
1. go to Walmart and get another shower curtain rod - lose the bumper on one side?
2. Use that green wire to go across the hangers - screw in the plastic pieces
No idea how far along I am on this flight
1.5 episodes of the SGU
1 episode of Criminal
Likely half way there, 2 hours left
There we go
Contemplative because I have a one way ticket to the bay
Nowhere to live
And a toaster oven in the back seat of my car where my planned bed is supposed to be
I could be severely depressed
Fully functioning, of course
So what’s important now?
Getting the job right?
Finding a place where I won’t be arrested or robbed?
It totally doesn’t help that I won’t have WiFi on this flight
I could easily put 5 hours in
Sorting through the instrumentation
That no one bothered to organize, but me
Here goes nothing
(9/5/2026 Edit:
so I can't believe I had no entries in 2018
I got the job at Tesla,
I moved to California
I helped produce Tesla's first week of 5000 cars per
I even saw Jack Black play onstage at the factory!
it's unclear if these entries were lost
when Web.com didn't receive a payment
I still hate web.com for that
it was my fault for not reading my fucking emails
if it really meant so much to me
well, here we are)
4/3/2018 (found in my notes app, probably after my interview in Fremont, CA)
Did I manage to blow it at the last moment?
Did I get tagged as a fraud?
Am I more afraid of getting the job?
Strange how women are so nice
girls, especially
So, here we are
worried about my performance,
Jimbo fucked with me saying he got twice the bonus I did
it's not true, I believed it though
plus when I hear Gator mumbling about taking 2 hours for a couple of wsid arms
should I even journal this stupid shit
more stupid shit:
I'm going to go start a fight over pocket mayo
(8/11/26: this some stupid joke about me having mayonnaise packets in my pocket once after lunch
Jimbo was a coworker, Gator was my manager)
I'll read it years from now and totally forget what the hell I was thinking
there's a video of me on the Canadian Discovery Channel
testing a dummy... lol great.
funny I was put into that project on a misunderstanding on my part
Gator asked if I've worked on the Elderly dummy before, and I mistook
the THOR 5th as the Elderly Dummy...
so I said yes and was put on the project.
I could handle it easily, no problem
why bother even writing about this
so a $250 bonus check will probably buy a throw for the couch
and some concrete sealer for the basement
how about that.
we'll see what happens...
I turn 41 in 9 days
maybe I'll turn into a pumpkin
I'm enjoying working out
kind of scared of the cold
but gotta go for a run
cheers!
12/7/2017 (7:38am)
this is a dream (as if the rest isn't)
at some mexican restaurant turned coffee shop that I've been to before
walked around the outside of place, had memories of eating there before,
with an almost sim-city view from the streets that straddled it
on a golden-brown outside the city street with short buildings
I go to the front of the place next to a group of 3 people,
sit at the same table as one of them, the guy
with them was a skinny (faceless) mousey girl
who I didn't notice until they got up
we moved to a couch/bed
with a grateful dead tee on
found her head on my chest
not believing this affection.
flashing my wedding ring
my shirt was off, proud of my tattoo with my eyes closed
imagining her admiring it
I instigated putting on my clothes? did I?
I followed them out into the street and asked her
do you want me to contact you?
she says "no"
and I say "ditto for me" (the other girl in the group chuckles at this)
I realize I'm not wearing pants,
so I go back into the restaurant and say "hello?"
and try to go back to my front seat
but the door is locked to the front of the store and I ask the guy to go in there
to get my pants,
and he says ok as soon as he's done fixing something.
he's sitting at something like the top of basement stairs.
I remember seeing a coffee spill mess,
that I understand he has to clean
strange that she's faceless,
what is this a dream of what I think I am?
I say ditto because I'm cool, and married
what if I had insisted I call
maybe I didn't because it wasn't the right thing to do
woke up happy, and fascinated it was a dream
imagining I still have it...
Fri, Oct 27, 2017 at 6:59 AM
seriously, what is wrong with me
why do I feel like a worthless pOS
breathe
I look around and everyone is trying to live
not me, I hate
breathe
convince aneta to breathe,
I know where her headspace is,
right behind mine.
she'll complain
I'll apologize,
rinse, repeat next weekend
this is a test from my phone
i still need to figure out how to write a form
probably set it to ~/write
ok well is this worth $3 to buy the full version?
maybe i should check if i can even view my page from a phone
these ribs are kind of gross
nice job immortalizing gross ribs
duces
jan 24 2017(11:46am)
this was scribed into the inside of my phone case:
"These lines could have meaning
these shapes could be words
these words could be damning
this damning could be my salvation
how many lines have I squandered,
how many lives have I wasted?
how brilliant was my drunken perspective?
how dull is my life
I know this is not the end
this is what is best.
do not forget that."
so dramatic,
necessarily pretentions
(now I can throw away that case)
duces
january 23, 2017(1:41am)
so I'm starting to realize how important these entries are.
it seems these are all I really have left
I'm so quick to forget
so quick to grab that one thing I can regret
and the day is remembered for that
and nothing else.
now also I know that this Mac's TextEdit program
doesn't treat apostrophes and quotation marks
as such
making html and abbreviations all weird.
anyhow, today I made sloppy joe's, french fried potatoes, and slow cooked ribs
napped for 2 hours and did one hour of packing
I also realized maybe it's not the wealth that Aneta is worried about
maybe it's her health.
as soon as I get there we are going to see a doctor
I'm not in denial, and I'm not just being practical.
its both.
again, I'm scared
ok, that's enough let's get out of here
sun, jan 22 2017(1:04am) live from 2500 highland
happy new year I guess
just had trump inaugurated
unreal
did I mention I learned how to solve a Rubik's Cube
the week of christmas,
probably my first act as a 40 year old
I've been here alone since september
the house is down to it's lowest the bank will accept
it will sell, it MUST sell
I'm not sure if I should be with anyone
I think my capacity to have a real relationship
was broken a long time ago
as of this morning, I am working on an online store
random stuff mostly, but if my facebook page is getting hits those could be sales
I asked Alan if he wanted to exchange time today
but he's too busy.
I might just exchange time with Brian
we'll see
ok, 2017 no one's mean
except maybe our president...
I just read he made an executive order to stop the Affordable Care Act
let's see the repercussions of that
btw RIP: carrie fisher and her mother, prince, fife dawg, Muhammed Ali, blab
sunday sept 18 2016 2:14am
ok so I had to journal how I'm feeling
how I'm trying to keep everything in this house just as it was
as if Aneta will be back any day to complain about its level of disarray
she says she'll be right back,
but I know it's not that easy
it must be hard to be a widow or widower,
especially if there is no time to prepare
Must be hard for Mary Callisen,
whose live in boyfriend killed himself in the garage of their house
every little thing we shared here hurts
because I can't share it anymore
she is my strength,
sad but true
my insecurities are debilitating
I project them, and have done that to partners in the past
and I can't really share the new things in my day with anyone...
for instance, today while waiting for work, I captured 5 gyms
and rode front row on the Maverick twice...
totally lost my shit
then coming home I realized there was no line on the Wicked Twister
so had to hit that
thinking now,
I'd share this with aneta,
she wouldn't care,
but she'd appreciate it because enjoyed it.
speaking of work,
I just felt like a freak.
like I couldn't pull these things off...
whatever, tomorrow's another day, let's do this
wed (as in previously?) september 14, 2016
happy days(in need of editing)
I'm here in bed typing next to Aneta
I recall wondering if our Guinea Pig, GP Morgan,
was waiting for us to pick her up and bring her home
after we gave her to the rescue home
I wonder if she pictured us in our ridgewood apartment
as if it were still there
in the same condition she last saw it in
maybe the bed was in a different room,
or maybe we were watching a different movie,
but nothing really changed there
and someday,
we'd return to the way it was,
we'd all return.
besides, we were happy there
why would we not return?
I know it's the same way Aneta felt about her mom selling off her childhood home
the blue and white tiles set in the bathroom,
the cabinets and floor installed piece by piece throughout the house.
there is a feeling you'd always be able to come back.
my parents house, john elwood, isn't like that
I'm glad to be out of that shaming, punishing house.
going back is terribly wrong for me
I don't feel comfortable or safe there.
my safe places, ridgewood, shaker wallet, highland drive (for a day or two at least)
do tend to get wrecked,
destroying in a couple of days what may have taken years to build
shaker wallet may be an exception,
there was never a weird time there
no strange limbo...
where boxes were piled ceiling high or
unacceptable amounts of indoor-outdoor traffic
violated the space.
I see now, how john elwood isn't that place for me
Maia talks about it because she has no childhood home,
and it's the closest thing to it
well truth is,
we can never really go back
or can we,
not to places but to people
we can
wish me luck, aneta leaves this house in 32 hours and 51 minutes
she will probably never come back here
I may never go back there
Saturday, September 3, 2016 (3:36am)
well, business as usual I guess
unbelievable because nothing has really changed
yet
this is the limbo where we leave for Philadelphia tomorrow
and she leaves for good 10(?) days later
this is probably the last week here in this house while Aneta lives here
I am kind of scared that without her to keep the place nice
it could just go to shit
not shit, just dusty maybe, or cluttered,
I'll be dusting,
sweeping,
mopping,
mowing
putting stuff away
this will be the first time in more than a decade that I had a place to myself
I speculate that I will be free of certain burdens
and again I panic that the house won't be manageable
I should really start packing stuff right away
get out from under this house
the more I have in boxes ready to go, the better
I should organize the paperwork
organize the tools
I cringe when I think of all the shit I have to do.
massive eBay sales
should be priority.
plus the shows in October
being alone will be a test of my discipline to keep the house nice,
maybe I'll decorate,
must keep positive
tell the truth I'm scared
what if the relationship won't make it?
that's a whole 'nother can of worms
looking forward to having someone else help pay bills
any maybe the chance to stay out all hours to catch Pokemon
not looking forward to trying to upkeep the house as it is
it'll be near impossible without her here
I think I'm sort of the kind of guy who needs a base
someone or something to keep me grounded
so I don't fucking gonuts and do whatever the hell I want
what then?
again, it's all speculation until something actually happens.
also watching Aneta deal with this,
(and her dying childhood friend, George)
makes me realize how contagious my insecurity was
and how I've actually done much to hold her down
I'll quit it, I'll have to
this is what's best
if not best, at least it's reality
does that even make sense?
fine
saturday, August 27, 2016
hi, I was asked by Justin, 'what's up?'
and in trying to figure out how to answer
I decided to write...
so what's up is today I'm going to Cedar Point with Humanetics,
Aneta didn't sleep which means she may not even go
I got a 12 pack of Newcastles yesterday and I saw a toxic pattern return with her
maybe drinking isn't a great idea anymore,
things were turned around, still are.
anyways, she found a job in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
one at Macys, and one at Elder Beerman.
King of Prussia is 8 hours away from this house,
which we still owe close to 170k on still.
we've been here 13 months.
can we keep the house and have a future?
the house is one of the only things that makes this place bearable.
the job in King of Prussia has dreamjob potential
as of today the plan is for her to leave and work there
and me to stay here, in this mansion for one
if our relationship has legs I know I have to go
but is this (Pennsylvania OR Sandusky) really where we want to end up?
Sandusky, Ohio in a great big new house,
with tomatoes, thyme and bunnies growing in the yard
both cars in the garage,
a gigantic basement full of projects
I can choose to leave untouched if I want (or now I could pack it all)
plenty of room for 3 zolw's to run around
an office I only actually go into once or twice a month.
a lawnmower that reliably starts on the first pull
2 shop vacs
4 sprinklers on an automatic timer
this sun room.
we can trade it for a shithole apartment and a future.
my job isn't bad right now, 19.50
(with a dollar because it's second shift)
I just don't feel like it's the right time to leave
gotta do a bit more work there, at least.
I told aneta that and instantly she argues to sell the house.
it would take me years maybe a decade to make 80k with Humanetics
we are living off credit cards, only one is maxed out but
this is the furthest in credit card debt I've ever been
I've got to pull myself out of it
is the answer to go see a resume builder for $415 (like aneta did)?
and find a $80k a year job (like jiri did)?
is now the time?
the numbers say if Aneta leaves and takes her part of the bills with her
that she can survive, pay for a place
and I can manage to pay for this house
I have to prepare myself to leave (before I start packing)
my shrink says I'm not bipolar, she says I just have racing thoughts
that was actually a big and interesting thing.
my mom will never believe that, she's set and done.
Aneta wants to take a pregnancy test but it actually might be her menopause
(can we even afford to buy a test?)
The Zolws sleep all day, hope they aren't sick
maybe they see the chaos
but was there ever any stability?
just like the past, like before, and always...?
pretty negative, that thought is.
so, I'm also planning to go catch pokemon at Cedar Point
honestly, now I don't care what people think
(obviously because I'm mentioning it)
we/she won't be around soon enough (geez is that true?)
so in a week we'll go and look at the studio apartment where she's planning to stay in
this time it's not like leaving and not looking back
she's just tethered to this house, and me
my shrink asks how are we at long distance relationships
I'd be good at it
I'm great at believing in imaginary, perfect constructs
and so is Aneta
this house makes this place bearable
I was hoping to build a studio in the basement
ran out of money, and time.
should I even mention the glimpse of freedom I'm actually looking forward to?
I say that now but if/when it happens we will see how I feel
that grass is always greener, isn't it?
so finally, you get to hear what's up
thanks Justin(edit: he's my brother) for the inspiration
maybe we'll talk one day.
aug 2 2016 (11:29am)
nyt carbonarra
2 eggs
2 yolks
2/3 cup parmesian
3 strips of bacon
julienne bacon and fry
add cooked noodles
toss then add parmesian, egg mix, salt and lots of pepper
add water for creamyness,
toss and serve
peace!
sat jun 11 to16 (11:25am)
wow finally an entry not about me
is it mean to call today ANOTHER
day of Aneta’s Paralysis
she is looking for a job,
she doesn’t understand she’s been doing the same thing for a year
do something different please
fuck
I should go to work today
I should be blowing glass tomorrow
I need to get her out of my head and live my own
fucking life
I should "fuck bitches" (edit: just a slang phrase 'fuck bitches, get money')
fuck
Sunday, May 1, 2016 (11:11pm)
a couple of days ago
I found an old sketchbook
from the days when I shared a sketchbook with my girlfriend
little did I know she wrote to me..
I have no response
well, I guess I kind of do..
(written 4-27-16)
how could I possibly respond
how should I respond,
I was clearly a different person then,
so was she, I guess.
what an unbelievable world we lived in,
where all our dithers meant something
all of our logs were meant to be read later...
I can guarantee she never reads my response
I almost guaranteed I'd never read her entry.
I had no idea.
really didn't
(now I’m back)
nobody reads this
5-1-16(8:32PM) Huron, Ohio
chaos today...
today this is why I've got worry...
in chronological order,
not in order of importance
regret from not taking the cedar point sunday glassblowing job
(fuck that forget it)
worried that Alan doesn't give a crap enough to help me find an assist
(get on the horn, just ask around)
living off credit card debt(@6k)
student loan debt(@56k)
aneta and my mom's crazy shit
(who the heck knows what to do about that)
Aisha (that fucked up intern) going nutso on me today
(Can't believe she made the news)
did I break this computer screen here at work?
Not being able to find a better job because my degree is for chumps
not being all-in on anything, ever
I've always been half-committed
never full on with the glass,
when I was, I was miserable.
Not being able to go anywhere with this glass
or this job
or this life
what am I doing?
tomorrow I ask Erica Bennett what our goals are
why we are talking,
what are our goals
what can she help me with?
will she help me with my issues, pick my brain
give me methods to come to peace with myself?
flirt with me in my mind?
what is it supposed to be?
tuesday, april 26, 2016 (2:52am)
well, it’s taken me
a minute to actually get to writing this
and as always, I’m convinced this will never be read
yet I hesitate to confess fully
I used to hide text!
can you believe it?
I keep mulling over what to say to my counselor
she’s not even a shrink
just a counselor
in the middle of a lightstorm here, surrounded by the view
I probably won’t remember this night
why would I, it’s just another one
where my fantasies stay in my head and never even make it to this page.
Oh, yes.
I almost forgot, this blog is about getting what you want.
and how, in essence that’s all life is.
maybe this was an unconscious response to being asked today
what do I want?
that’s a good question…
success,
recognition,
pleasure,
money,
beauty,
respect,
love,
money,
a decent yard,
fruit trees,
money,
a dog?
(I don’t know the answer),
answers,
confidence,
respect,
wealth,
to blow glass,
music,
love,
money
please don’t ask, I can’t even
(rip prince)
sunday march 13 2016 (4:14am)
wrote this today about adam from mythbusters’s prince rupert drop video and explanation:
Really glad they did the highspeed of this,
(not to be a poop)
but Prince Rupert probably didn't come up with this as stated.
My initial thoughts were that his glassblowers probably showed him this trick,
then Prince Rupert became the jackass who brought them to parties.
But A quick Wikipedia search suggests they were first made in Northern Germany,
but also claimed to be from the Netherlands.
Prince Rupert did bring them to Britain and to King Charles II in 1660,
who brought them to the Royal Society in 1661,
where experiments were done.
As a glassblower (yes, I still call myself one)
I have to believe these things were made in hotshops
all over the world for a long time before they made it to the Royal Society...
I have no proof other than the being familiar with the curiosities glassblowers have with the material.
I've seen more delicate pieces of glass older than 1660 survive
but unfortunately any evidence of the Prince Rupert's Drops either looks like industrial scrap or ends up powderized.
Another interesting idea may be to analyze the remains of these drops
to maybe see just how the itty bitty pieces were held together/separated under the stress of cooling.
(Anyone got a microscope handy?)
The first time I saw one of these
it was referred to as a "tempered glass demonstration"
so I guess I was biased from the beginning.
Just sharing a thought.
thanks for reading
now to fix it on Facebook
so 4 hours of bernie sanders boosting trump pooping later
2-1-2016 (7:51pm) Huron, Ohio
can we bear to read (write)
another self-pitiful
account of my state of mind?
I should chart all the days I spend
wallowing.
believe you me
there are more
where I am just too tired/lazy/defeated
to make it to a computer at all.
my flaws are endless,
for once being able to do something right
would be comforting
this is all you get,
oh faithful following.
I can't even pay someone $230 an hour to read this.
that's why it's safe here.
I never talked about x
I never mentioned y
I was always safe,
either that or I was always lying.
I'm here 'guilty' of putting a metric screw in a standard hole
ready to take the normal apologetic stance, blame, or what the fuck ever
I don't remember forcing this screw into place
seriously?
email logs say I was the bonehead who did this
I seriously don't think so.
it could have been me
of course it could have
but I'm not so willing to accept how fucking stupid I am
assholes
January 25, 2016(2:03am)
happy new year, as is usually said,
when seeing someone for the first time in the new year…
have you seen me?
probably not.
Initially I wanted to talk a bit about blogs,
and my best guess on how to write them.
I would assume some preparation and research is necessary
before anything is written.
I would also assume that a certain style/format/voice has to be decided on,
unless all your blogs look/read/sound the same.
Maybe the first bulletpoint in this entry should have been
to determine a(or the) point of the article.
In the same way I hesitate to call myself a “foodie”
I am reluctant to call this online journal a “blog”.
When the word “blog” started being used (“weblog” actually)
I remembered thinking thats what I have here with this online journal…
now I consider this the Anti-Blog
I dont review restaurants,
unbox the latest tech,
or tell stories from whatever road trip Im on.
I mostly complain here.
and talk in the abstract about the day’s events
lucky enough to let them be forgotten in the muck
of my past.
As far as significant events that happened today I:
couldnt find a bike pump
ordered a tv mount
washed my car
brought half of the pallets downstairs
tried to use multi-sim to build a d-flip flop counter
maybe I’ll still bring the rest of the pallets down
and cut them into firewood pieces,
who knows?.
What I don’t know is why does this blog even exist?
will anyone ever read it?
maybe someday, everything will be read.
2016 - where the living is clean!
rip david bowie
rip hans gruber
rip eagles lead singer
dec 20 2015 (3:44am)
'never give up the con'
thats today's lesson,
here's the story,
I spent some time on Blab a beta 4-person video chat
I was one of four,
and as it turns out two were a couple,
living together
putting on an act for all of us.
I guess an inadvertent reveal showed the truth.
not a big deal
after the chuckles from it
I found myself feeling a bit betrayed
never give up the con,
you will lose more than you think.
peace see you in the future!
dec 4 2015 (2:41am)
so I just finished the second season of True Detective
the only reason it's lingering in my mind
is because of the ways the end could have gone
so many chances for our heros to to make it,
so close to just getting away.
all these characters had their honorable qualities
but their flaws ultimately brought them down.
Woodbridge: the gifted solder shot down by a coward
(not necessarily a flaw that Betrayed him,
but his own process of finding himself.)
Ray: pushes his luck for one more chance to see his son
(hes a good guy, usually does the right thing,
in reality he probably could've skyped that kid, eventually)
Frank: had to take a swing at some punk lowly gangster
(seems such a minor mistake, “for what?â€)
I wonder why the first season of fargo
didn't make me wonder like this
the lack of character complexity or development?
the somewhat predictable nature of the story?
the idea that in some stories destiny will trump justice
and we are all subject to our destiny.
what gives that all the women made it through,
and the men are tied to thier fates?
I'm done, I'm now trying to check
if the guy who took the evidence is the same guy Ray killed
(looks similar, coincidence?)
well I have to work tomorrow
(and have to work saturday,
if I want to pay these bills, that is)
So until next time,
escape your destiny,
as long as it will let you,
then stop.
Tuesday November 24, 2015 (1:08am) Shaker Highlands, Ohio
hi, so
trying to work past the way youtube
mutes any thoughts I might have…
just watched the making of Rushmore
then a Charlie Sheen interview on Conan,
now about to embark on what I think is a japanese architecture documentary.
what's really going on, you may ask?
well we are not making enough money to afford this house,
the cars, the gas, electricity, water, internet, insurance, etc…
(according to my liberal estimations,
we are running on a $400 monthly deficit,
when I say liberal i mean I did not account for gasoline to get to work,
money to buy groceries, or any other expenses that happen)
this is not sustainable.
I have to find something better for us
thats the only way.
again I find myself censored.
I'm forced into the world where I'm not allowed to find joy
and the joy I look for is not appreciated…
I like this setup,
where my private life is so shamefully kept secret
thats how it is, isnt it?
fuck all
(just heard a the train blaring his horn in the distance,
had it done that and the courier been able to wait 10 minutes
he might be alive, RIP courier and Terrier)
I follow rules now, lets see how far that takes me.
I have to go for this,
this is my bullshit,
and I believe it!
Monday, 10-5-2015(8:41pm)
yeah so, I feel like I'm under attack, from all sides
and I shit myself to boot!
I have to make better financial decisions
with every penny
every penny I spend and earn
no shit.
I have to balance the debt with my earnings
jesus, this house
because if I look at it I have this car...
I could pay it off with shares of facebook
or this student debt
(which isn't increasing as it was, btw)
anyways, we need to start saving again,
3 paychecks this month and another 3 in January,
I need to save
and I need to clean on what is making aneta so stuck
and scared
should we go to vegas?
our age gap is becoming more of whatever it is
we should go to vegas
I should marry her
I'm a wreck,
my decisions my fucking life
what a mess right now
I should clean, get clear
clean, get clear
whatever, I feel sick.
10-2-15(2:50am)
ok, I'm back after that shameful distraction
today's word is ‘worry'
I'm worried about losing my job…
I swear I hope it's not a self-fulfilling prophesy
(like stinking ned,
do I have to immortalize his name like this?
I swear I almost just forgot it completely)
well I'm suspicious of myself now…
what do all these things I hear mean?
here's a thought:
all these things mean exactly what I want them to mean
Confirmation bias
clean, be clear
dont feel guilty
or shameful
or sorry
just be,
just do
that is your strength
use your brain
do the difficult tasks
count to fucking ten, keep your cool
really
breathe
clear
nothing is happenning,
really.
9-30-2015(11:26am)
work
sleep
eat
spend money
work
sleep
spend money
work
sleep
eat
work
sleep
spend money
work
sleep
blow glass???
work
sleep
eat
rinse, repeat…
9-16-15(10:56pm)
of course I'll never have this moment,
this minute, back.
I'm inspired to report what the shitty voices in my head are saying:
you're not good enough
we're going to have go back and fix that
you aren't able to do anything well, or right
we wish we had picked one of the many people who can do what you try to do better
you can't be trusted
I thank Dr. Weinsier for being a teacher and being forgiving.
what is wrong with me?
so yes, this moment
I am at work, waiting to use a fixture
Ashwin revealed the loss of confidence
earlier today.
I bet it's spread throughout the department.
fucking great.
how am I going to be making the real money, again?
what's the real plan?
was there ever a plan?
don't know, maybe for now I just clean.
so for your scheduled dose of optimism:
keep on keepin' on
unless you're not then do something different.
peace and reluctantly lower standards...
9-9-15 (11:25am)
new question today,
am I closer to getting fired than getting promoted?
fuck that, am I actually closer to getting fired than I realize?
is promotion absurd?
as always,
we Will see what happens
9-9-15(1:29am) -surrounded by crickets-
I'm realizing that
my mind may tend to be scattered sometimes
I'm not overtly crazy
necessarily
maybe just 'out there'
I have my bipolar fits
and my bipolar joys.
can't you agree reality is quite a bit to handle
without a way out.
I've found a few:
being so fucking crazy that nothing matters,
being so fucking happy that nothing hurts.
being so fucking depressed that you are invincible.
invincible in my self-hate.
nobody hates me like I do.
not even close.
9/8/15 (6:18pm)
I'm in Huron, Ohio
what, how, why did I even end up here?
I'd actually feel much better if I were making
enough to earn a living, save
and not even considering skipping lunch.
I feel like this job is important,
like I am doing good, difficult work.
I'm asserting myself,
for what?
To struggle with bills?
So, we have come to the point were the end of our savings has
creeping over the horizon
(actually well closer than the horizon,
I could pay bills right now, enough that it would have
passed us a month ago)
but yes this is a tipping point.
the point where we have gone from
living off our savings
to living off our credit.
With only one (of 360) mortgage payments made
This is how we find ourselves...
What is the solution?
Can Aneta find another 50k job?
Can I find a 50k job?
In retrospect, had we not bought (or built) a house
we would be so, so, so, so good.
Can you imagine all the monies we'd have saved?!
but again that is not how we find ourselves.
ok, let's do this, then.
I'm convinced there are people out there
making more money than me,
doing less work.
I am not looking for an easy way out
or some get rich quick fucking bullshit.
but a paying career,
a real one.
and what for Aneta?
the money we saved is going into a really nice place for two,
the thought of a roomate just crossed my mind...
lol
so yes this is where I find myself.
I have a paddle but it's shorter than I need.
and at any moment all this could just hit the many fans everywhere.
am I really taking this lightly enough,
because we aren't in trouble... yet...
I'm really doing this because I don't know what will happen.
this is before the shitstorm.
am I too stupid to brace myself,
stock up on canned goods,
or even get out of the way???
we will see.
pathetic
8/11/15(1:41am)
ok, just remembering some weirdness in my past
seriously crazy stuff,
I wonder if I should seek help
maybe I'm missing my vitamin B
are these thoughts real?
nah, nothing's real
am I going to feel like a failure?
ridiculous
will I have won if I resist this thing...
I do need a drink to relieve me of some of this
that's no shit
right there.
7/26/15(9:09pm)
well, well, well,
here I am again from 2.5k hlnd dr.
cooking some gaspacho pork chops…
with an emphasis on cook-ING
meaning, I have no idea how this will taste…
(the tomatoes made a weird paste that never fried,
can some sort of ‘breading' be made from this, when deep fried?)
so lately we got grass…
or they seeded it, at least.
so while we've been praying for a day or two without rain for the past month,
now it seems there is no rain in sight,
turning or seeded lawn into the most expensive birdfeeder money can buy.
the current work is on being ‘open'
if that makes sense the next time it's read (by me, presumably)
it was a success
in trying this, you allow other people who are closed
to get the redeeming second glance or expected opportunity to stay open…
I've definitely been disappointed in the past by expecting that second ‘open' facade,
and never getting a chance to connect, bridge, or accept any energy at all.
the opportunist in me is thinking like a vampire
remaining open only lets me see more
for good or worse,
staying open, I do see things people don't
just one page from the book “The Untethered Soulâ€
can lead me to lots of things,
I'm not ready for lots of things, too.
did it really take almost 2 decades to even consider
that the ‘hush, hush here he comes' schtick was a joke?
I've even instigated it…
I'm amazed how closed I've been living.
so,
on that note,
keep your heart open,
make an effort
it can only help
7/1/15 (3:19 am)
broadcasting live from highland drive, sandusky, ohio
well hello, here I am in the new house
we had built this year…
yes, it's expensive and it's totally adding up
I'm on my ‘vacation' right now
4 days off plus the independance day holiday
so the past couple of days were:
packing,
moving,
cleaning,
installing,
moving,
spending money,
moving boxes,
unpacking,
getting estimates,
moving boxes,
spending money,
installing,
moving boxes,
unpacking
spending money
not getting called back
unpacking
installing
spending money…
yeah, so.
aneta and I aren't fighting (or fucking for that matter)
so at least that.
at some point I will have to see what the money situation looks like
I wonder if our neighbors envy us or see us as different because we spent
probably twice as much on our house as they did…
this house is so ‘customizable' it's scary.
there will have to be a limit to this spending, I suppose
but not until we have a fucking driveway.
we left shaker wallet for the last time today
guess it was a good landing/jump off point
(for the rest of my life?)
never left a house like that,
even vacuumed the whole thing.
ok, I gotta go,
hopefully we'll see the new terminator movie tomorrow.
gotta remember to reschedule the driveway estimate for 5:30 or 6,
until later, peace tacos
(because there ain't no tacos here)
6/21/15(1:38 am)
hi, we got keys friday for the new house
how many people read this?
I'm pretty impressed on how honest I can feel
writing this…
I ‘think' need a better job,
(I added ‘ marks in case someone reads this
someone who works where I work,
look how miserably scared I am)
one that pays better
i need more skills?
I can't even compile a program in c++
forget it
6/18/2015(1:32am)
I saw a new shrink today,
(shes actually a counselor)
Erica is her name, I think
what should I tell her?
(I'm always playing it safe
too scared to ‘shit where I eat')
this is a risk
and that my entire hour was just an attempt to portray myself as ‘not' a loser
so glad nobody reads this.
it wouldn't help her at all
there's not enough in here
even though she's getting paid to help me
6-9-2015(1:14am)Live From Shaker Village
hi, so today the counseling office called back because I tried to make
an appointment this weekend
didn't really like her tone when asking for insurance
United, huh?
which one?
I said, Not the one associated with Medicaid,
it's from work.br>
to which I think she...
whatever
6-7-15(3:24pm)from shaker village
I made this up today and where better to log it, enjoy!
ingredients:
collared greens and mushroom soup:
4-5 strips of fatty bacon - diced
cracked pepper
1 clove of garlic - minced
half a small yellow onion - diced
1 thing of mushrooms - sliced
squirt of soy sauce and squirt of fish sauce
half a batch of collared greens: de-stemmed and
a chicken boullon cube dissolved in 2? cups of water to make broth
swig of lager beer (highlife)
ground paprika - .33 tespoon
ground cayenne pepper - .24 teaspoon
directions:
chop and fry the bacon in a medium pot
add cracked pepper
when bacon begins to brown add garlic
later add chopped onion
keep frying until onion begins to brown
add chopped mushrooms and salt, stir
cover and fry until mushrooms are cooked stirring occasionally.
add some soy sauce and a sqirt of fish sauce, stir.
add collared greens and chicken broth
(wash out the broth with a swig or two of high life)
add less than half a tablespoon of paprika
and some cayenne pepper, stir.
bring to a boil and serve.
6-3-15(8:18PM)LFHat
Shea LeBouf says Just do it
WOW, I'm amazed I get worked up when a "co-worker"
starts talking about mistakes I made,
what the fuck?
am I really sitting here feeling worthless over this?
blame my parents again, right
I love you, forgive me, thank you, gp
word
I have a headache that's extending down to my stomach
adrenaline rush when this gal was telling me
what the project is about
unbelievable
so paranoid right now
gotta look for a shrink
and a kitchen installer
and a landscaper
and an everything to keep me sane
no idea what this full body headache has for me
I need some alcohol
I need manifest how I feel
get trashed
go fuck off somewhere
6/32/2015(10:47pm)
I don't know why my life is so full of self-hate.
you are truely the only one who will listen anymore.
I've pushed and pushed people away
so far and so hard
I've just about run out completely,
of places to go and people to push away.
don't read this and feel sorry.
this is the point I tell you to go fuck off.
to protect my dignity,
or whatever is left of it.
so many words come to mind...
cowardly
sloppy
insincere
out of control
disgusting
perverted
diseased
damaged
hostile
impatient
reckless
careless
spaz.
we don't need more,
I edited out the word 'misguided'
with the idea that it may summon some inappropriate sympathy
in the middle of my pathetic rant.
Did I ever demonstrate an clever tact with words?
Was there ever eloquence in my life at all?
ask me this today and my only responce could be
"fuck you"
can sleep possibly fix this?
can some cheap, well-vented beer cans do the trick tonight?
don't know what will, I'll run until my legs fall off
chanting a mantra that doesn't do me any good anymore.
did I really dissolve the power of that mantra
into my ocean of negativity?
is this how I lost my first engineering job?
(by being so self-involved, detached, distracted
and able to be dubbed 'worthless')
I remember that dark computer room,
where I built my website,
and started this blog.
I guess only fitting I find myself
just as depressed as when I started
(1997 if you are keeping score at home).
my fortune cookie told me to write a book
I better remember to get that lottery ticket...
thank you for listening,
and thank god the world is ignoring me.
5/29/2015(1:14am)
so hi, I'm sitting here next to 6 tortoise eggs and their incubator
which I match in my white boxers and v-neck tshirt,
(like a drunken male zolw nurse).
As I consumed this Miller Lite hurriedly enough to reap the reward,
I realized I should write more,
and see where that takes me.
This is something I can actively do after the graces of youth fail me
and while the intoxication of intoxication moves me(yay!).
Me thinks This is a good place,
here I can look back,
in ten minutes, or maybe 10 years
and just see,
how awfully misguided
or how gracefully naive I really was.
Here's something I wrote last night in bed,
a sort of genesis of the Shitty Blog:
How to Write the Most Tragically Uninformative Blogpost (the topic being itself, none the less)
So, I did a word count of my archived entries.
Of the 32,000 words only 33 of them were "glass"
and the most common was "I".
The list of words only used once was quite interesting.
That's all I can really say because I've closed the app.
(This entry must be titled:
How to Write the Most Tragically Uninformative Blogpost (the topic being itself, none the less)
I'll move on,
too lazy to get up and work at a proper keyboard,
I'm moving on right now, thumbing at my phone.
I will be back to give a better analysis of the last half of my life's word usage
(it may take years…)
Every time I delve into the archives,
either looking up a date X amount of years ago
or picking an entry at random
I feel like what I'm looking for isn't what I'm talking about,
but more about where I was,
how I was,
how things were.
I am going to make an effort to chronicle that better from now on.
For instance tonight was a fresh Sandusky night in early summer.
Where the air was rich with dew just waiting to fall.
So thick that it didn't matter if it had just rained,
everything would all be very wet again soon,
just this time set with much less violence.
At home I was actually greeted by a chorus of bullfrogs.
Whose voices would synchronize every few verses
(creating) an intimidating machine hiding in the dark,
much scarier than the trains.
This, alternated with the calls from all around,
out of synch and of a different tone.
I tried to record it with my phone
but the sound of my fumbling with the device was more impressive.
In the direction of the loudest sounds
I'd see movement in the water disrupting the waxing yellow reflection of the moon,
and be reassured this terrifying sound should not be at the heart of any of my concerns.
I listened for a while,
then I went inside where it was air conditioned.
This was our pond behind the shared driveway yesterday.
and tonight I sit with a couple of miller light pounders
lit from below by an incubator
cheers and good night!
5/27/2015(6:45PM) Huron, Ohio
ok, so I'm at work
sitting, bored at a monstrous guillotine
(It's actually a UTM, and now I know how to spell 'guillotine')
autistic eyes watching me,
how annoying
thoughts here lately are along the lines of
how completely done I am of this place...
I've been here before,
and I've left before.
right now I don't see this being an immediate solution.
Definitely another time of defining myself,
with a paying job, and mountains of bills.
bills that can only get bigger...
so, I think I need another job,
or another source of income at least.
some brainstorming on this:
part time toyota car salesman?
(now would be the time since I have school starting in august)
importer?
craftsman?
Insurance salesman?
manual laborer?
autocad draftsman?
whatever it is I need more income
I need to clear my mind and my world and let it come in
clean
I love you, Forgive me, Thank you, I'm sorry.
wonder if this keystroke record will ever be seen,
it's possible...
alexisdeleon.com/past.html
word.
what else is nice is the years of language I have in my archives
wonder how that puts me on the Search Engine Optimization
scale...
another year archived, I should analyze my word usage again,
my predictions:
lots of "so's" "well's" "fuck's"
and the rest of my mind's language...
May 26, 2015 (10:52am)
broadcasting from sandusky ohio
just came back from a run, almost 3 miles, without stopping that is,
feel better with no whiskey to hold me down,
that was a weird experiment
currently the house is waiting for a 'lazy susan' cabinet
rent (with the mortgage) has almost doubled
I just registered for the first of my last two semesters at BGSU Firelands
I've got 5 hours until I report to work
4 hours of sleep
potentially another zolw egg is fertile
(Washington possibly just inseminated Zolwie2 again just now)
The sun is out and it feels like summer.
Trying Ho'Oponopono cleaning methods, but it's not easy
should definitely not stop.
yup
uh huh
so, I guess I'll see you
peace, the fuck out.
well, actually I'm back
I realize that I've been doing this for over 15 years now
(sad to think about those first 2 years lost from the stinking computer lab
I wonder what kind of brilliance oozed from that!),
15 years is longer than I've smoked,
held any job
worked in any industry, even
owned any cars, tattoos, or pets, had any human relationship
(which I could almost include my family,
since I really haven't spoken to them for at least 10 years.. so maybe I'm catching up)
so the thought of the day is 'staying power'
what stays?
tattoos, scars (emotional and physical), family, bills huh
ok, well
the sun doesn't shine every day,
so I'm going to go take a nap.
4/3/2015 (12:48pm)
wow, so Happy New Year, I guess
so I've had my job for a while,
I have a dentist's appointment in about 24 days
possibly the first one since I was a teenager
the house at highland drive is almost complete, the drywallers are mudding it today
we have a 3rd zolw born on december 27th 2014,
from an incubated egg!
what else?
I'm podcasted out,
it's a shame that Rebecca left SGU,
but I also found out she was born in 1978, 2 years younger than I,
interesting.
too lazy to check on her podcast
but she is missed and did bring an interesting side to the show.
(in my current world, this matters to no one but me)
ok, so I'll archive 2014 sometime soon,
or maybe sometime later.
I'm missing blowing glass,
but only have a handful of mind-blown pieces
I should work on a collection so I'm ready to get into the studio.
kind of an exciting idea
like all things, this blurb must end
so until the next,
be good,
be too good.
12-12-2014 (9:22pm)
ok, this entry is really mostly for posterity,
funny I really don't know exactly what that word means
and I don't feel like there's time to look it up.
today I
(9/5/2026 edit: posterity)
woke up,
went to work in the dark
worked on some shit
ate a giant arby's beef and cheddar sandwich
worked on some more shit for the rest of the day,
went to the bar and didn't dance
went to meijer's
came home and ate zeberka
and I turned 38
I'm wondering if I should note all the people I talked to today
birthday wishes from my mom, leo, aneta, I think that's it.
I'm going to sleep now,
approximately 15 hours since I woke up this morning
9.5 of which were spent working
1.5 at the bar
.75 driving around and running errands
.5 at lunch
which leaves about 1.75 hours
some were spent talking to igi and violetta with aneta
showering
eating pasta and ribs
and writing this
...life
May the wonder of your days never fade from your eyes...
oh a quote I heard today:
"I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member."
-Groucho Marx
brilliant.
ok so this is blue apron's 2nd week and we were given some miatake mushroom tacos that were excellent
brilliant mix of flavors.
Aneta is away again, in Dallas this time,
friday we closed on the house we are set to build
and I really don't know what the future holds, or can hold
I'm working on college football picks,
electronics homework and tests,
benny hill on continuous loop for days,
I can't believe it's november already,
we have plans to wed in vegas in January
I think, or was it december?
at this point who knows?
anyway, Have I mentioned Ho' opono pono?
I'm half ass working on that, too
clearing my mind, getting rid of 'data'
it's all data
don't forget.
guess I'll see you on the flipside, if there is one...
10/29/2014 (8:32am)
hi, I'm here in Sandusky, Ohio.
it's a cold morning, I've fed the Zolw's
and goldfish.
A space shuttle Antaris exploded yesterday
just another day to forget, until now.
more and more do I feel like this is a time capsule
for instance today is day 5 of another Master Cleanse
and my juice is very sweet, maybe so sweet I can't lose this belly
but honestly it's not as big a deal as it was some 6 years ago.
I remember then I was at Paige's Foundry, not eating
but smoking
and I didn't have gallons of the juice on hand
definitely key, make batches a gallon at a time,
so you can drink whenever you want
helps curb the hunger.
I'm working on getting a job with humanetics,
I asked for 50k yesterday at the interview,
that's just a $10/hour pay increase, lol
from my current part-time-temporary position there
we will see what happpens, I did scare them a bit,
but I also should be looking around for another job.
-craving filipino longonisa right now-
until next time, peace and sunshine in October!
Thursday, September 18, 2014 (1:21pm)
ok so a quick update:
working nights at humanetics,
color meeting to build the house today
knee deep in ho oponopono
in school for a 2 year associate's degree
unrelenting pinch in my shoulder
pumpkin season is here...
got to change the website.
anyhow, right now I'm working 3 nights a week
and in school 3 days and nights a week
I stopped running, and dream of getting out there
I'm tired, we'll see what happens at this color meeting.
july 7, 2014(12:01am)
hi, live from Humanetics - Huron, Ohio
3rd shifting - voice ignoring - faith having
work right now.
I wonder if there is a keystroke record on this thing
whatever. I still have 16 minutes to wait inbetween tests,
and I can only sweep the floor so much, believe it or not.
so, I hope I have some kind of plan
to make myself better and reach some kind of "success"
breathe, say the mantra, watch the dvd
geez...
oh yeah the fortune cookies say:
"Your determination will bring you success."
"Wealth is not a matter of intelligence it's a matter of inspiration."
very well, I must agree.
and I finally found another 4 leaf clover,
in the yard of the house we are looking to buy.
makes me think, all the places I've found them that I remember...
columbus, at the dorms
logan, ohio - outside the hotshop
a few outside OSU's hotshop
socrates sculpture park, at thaddeus's sale
more than one at Maria Hernandez park
Swebodzin, Poland in that parkinglot
Forest Park, Queens that took a while
stumbled upon one at Sheldon Marsh, Huron, Ohio
one found with Leo Spiegel, in queens I think
maybe more that I don't remember.
(8/13/2026 edit: keep finding them, osborne park, at work, at nate's 4th of july)
Sunday, June 29, 2014(8:17am)
From 11, now there are 4,
this morning we found one of our goldfish dead
he was the biggest we called him “Monster” because of it
he measured 8” from head to short tail
and was very heavy.
we brought 11 goldfish originally slated for death as feed
from Ridgewood, Queens, New York in our customized breathable bucket
and have lost 7.
this is truly a weird countdown of our ties to The (only) City.
We said a few words, and at 7:30am
threw him into the pond behind our house
Even in the air he glistened a bit and shined back at us,
big enough to dwarf the other fish in our tanks for years
yet puny enough to shimmer a pristine glow against the backdrop of nature
He hit the water with a smack, unexpectedly dulled only by his weight
then he was gone.
so it’s just a fish, even though we had him for 5 years
longer than anyone we know here
longer than any paychecks, cars, health insurances we have here
it’s a weird state, kind of sad,
kind of regret not snapping a photo of the dead fish
as a sort of proof that we raised such a big-ass goldfish
but also a relief that he wouldn’t have to continue the recent battles in his tank
with algae, a growing algae eater who seemed to overtake Monster’s zeal for food
so, the 4 remain, in our now goldfish tank.
there it is, our goldfish died this morning
June 19, 2014(1:01am live from Humanetics)
ok I had something to tell you this morning
let's see if it comes to me
oh, yes it's about feeling isolated
Ashwin from India tells me people in Europe don't necessarily like Americans,
that they prefer Indians to Americans...
Same with Gus, from Venezuela or Columbia or somewhere, he knows they don't like Americans.
so here I am, just 3 hours from where I was born
speak the same language, watched the same tv shows, played the same video games,
American as fuck, all the way down to being brown.
so these assholes up here see brown and assume I use centimeters call soccer football
whatever, going to Europe happens so few times in my life that it doesn't really matter
racism can tend to perpetuate itself,
and if I were a better man I'd make it stop with me
and I do, when I can
if I can
if I am able
to not allow this sort of negativity to tap into the anger inside me
anger is a scary word, but it's an accurate description, sadly
like I said, I'm working on it...
so I remain seeking
peace
peace
europe
indians
american as fuck
June 18, 2014 (3:20am)
Live from Huron, Ohio
hello everyone, had another flashback of Downtown Brooklyn,
the night O'bama was elected.
how I ran into Min, the beautiful friend of the family that I really never felt I could impress.
that place was great, so many possibilities there
what a place to spend my youth.
don't know about here,
don't know about my youth
am I letting it fizzle away
I realized watching this World Cup,
if in some alternate universe where I became an exceptional professional soccer player
that this one, this World Cup in Brazil might be the very last one,
that is if I were good enough to keep on the team as the veteran/national hero/mascot
on that note I think Klinsmann is helping the US Class up thier act,
(btw why did he get rid of Donovan and the other popular US Striker? is he secretly trying to destroy any sort of tradition we could possibly build?)
a short clip scholding a defenseman looking for an offsides call
is all I can base my assumption on.
this is the gentrification of the Men's National Team
get rid of the childish riff-raff
win or lose play with dignity
the dignity that comes from playing on a team with history and reputation
a reputation you are obligated to uphold
maybe that is my problem, I forget where I come from
in the past I have represented Ohio, OSU, Brooklyn, Purdue, Dayton, and a few more I have forgotten.
I always manage to hang my head and forget
it's a syndrome and a disease
that I tell myself (and you) that I'm working on,
but am I?
6/17/2014(9:48pm)
this is from yesterday(this morning),
I have to do better to time and date stamp it when I dictate:
Dear future self if you're wondering where you were right now
i'm lying in bed trying to sleep after working a 10 hour hour third shift
hitting a crash test dummy with aluminum missile
worrying about a meeting to selectively increase my student loan debt
Aneta is in Atlanta for the rest of the week
worrying that the classes that I'll be taking won't be enough to earn what I need
not only to get out of debt but to become I'm the person I want to be
all I could really think of is
are these changes bad for us
are we bad for each other
were we only good for each other when we were so bad
we will have to find out
is it too late now to do anything about it
I really wonder if I ever read this again
on this day in 10 years or five years or three years later
i'll look it up and say wow I wish I was there again,
I doubt it
I still have flashbacks
Of running the Hillcourse and Ridgewood
of driving through Long Island city
driving over the Queensboro Bridge to rock center.
This is where I am now i'm working here on Ohio
working on the future that may never be there for me.
I'm having a hard time visualizing where want to be
last summer at this time
I would have been be driving to or from Toledo after blowing glass
spending all my time and money making glass that sold but not for enough.
I’m Going to close my eyes now.
with that I missed my appointment with Dr. Weinsier,
slept right through with my phone next to my ear even after he called
we will see what happens…
1/22/2014(12:56am)
I've noticed there are so many movies that are "based on true events" this year
12 Years a Slave,
American Hustle,
Dallas Buyers Club,
The Wolf of Wall Street,
42,
Emperor
The Frozen Ground
which ones am I forgetting?
Of course like they say, the truth is so much stranger and more unbelievable than any fiction.
but isn't that why we love movies?
for the relief that there are some stories where good guy wins,
that justice will prevail,
or love can and will conquer all,
or that heroes can live happily ever after.
We go to the movies to see the story of villians that operate above their fatal flaws
and can only be defeated by an equally supernatural force of good.
No matter what amazing feat was accomplished,
which ruthless evil was defeated,
or tremendous suffering was braved,
the phrase floating in the middle of the screen before the credits
only hints to how triumphant or wretched the characters were at the moment of their victory, defeat or breath of freedom
Are we, as a culture, progressing by the relief that these stories can be appreciated and not re-lived?
just a(n edited) thought
now where, was I?
1/22/2014(12:27am)
yeah well, it seems like I'm late for everything these days.
I wanted to write something 27 minutes ago
about the stars tattoo I got yesterday
but I missed it.
I was busy begging a Columbus art show in an email
to accept my late application
noticing a theme?
well aneta gets home this evening
and I start a new job Thursday
fucking ridiculous how my parents act
like this is the goddamn only fucking accomplishment In my life
my ears are getting hot I'm fucking pissed
gimme your fucking easy money paycheck you corporate assholes,
know that's the only god damn reason I'm even showing up.
I'm selling out and I'm fucking pissed.
Fuck All
but I really like the complexity of the stories.
3 down but still 2 more seasons to watch,(in parenthesis are updates from 1/22)
I posted this on Craigslist:
wished Wallace and D didn't die
and that little dude with the weird eyebrows who finished Wallace off is a d-bag all
jealous of Wallace and shit, he shoulda got shot from the chick on the bike(Snoop)
(instead he got a job at footlocker, lame)
Omar is my favorite bad ass gay guy ever
great showdown scene with Mouzone in the alley
sucks to see him making out with dudes, he's such a badass
Avon B. is cool, too
Stringer is a sonofabitch glad he got what he got
Mcnulty is a fucking slut, shitting on all his relationships, what an asshole.
hope Carver gets his shit together and gets good
feel sorry for Prez but fucking dumbass can't even go pickup the Chinese takeout without fucking up?
Cedric is like a ripped Dhalsimn glad he's getting it on with that Fuckbox redhead,
I was cooking when it happened so I don't know how she got on him
I swear I thought Kima and Mcnutty were gonna do it,
and the whole things was gonna be crazy weird
Bubbs needs to get clean, they never showed him his partner is dead
McNutty's babymama is so hot I'd like to see more of her breasts,
so is Nick's girlfriend her boobs are perfect.
I love The Wire because if there is a hot girl character,
chances are she's gonna show her tits, just like real life.(yeah right)
who is this Marlo character(turns out he's a bad ass), hope Avon wastes him and gets his corners
Avon will get out of prison, his sleazy lawyer is the shit.
I thought the shootout would take out a few of the extras and fuck up some regulars,
like what if Cedric became paralyzed and was like a black Professor X him or Herc
Prez and Ziggy(the dumb dock worker's son rotting in jail) are dumbass award winners
Prez is kinda ok, but Ziggy is an ass
Rawls is a jerk, and Cedric's wife is scary.
(maybe they could have given more pause when a character who we spent time with dies,
that could be a recurring thing,
only for the characters that we knew or saw character development,
or at least a glimpse of change in
like staring into the dead character's eyes for a beat or two,
if they still had eyes, that is…
characters like D'Angelo, Omar, Frank Sobotka
you know the ones that were good but died anyway… hmm) what do you think?,
oh and happy new year!
12/23/2013 (5:27am)
37 years and 4 minutes ago was when I started all of this.
I don't remember if I wrote on my birthday last year,
or ten years ago.
but today, last night, I couldn't sleep.
I'm here in Sandusky, with a bowl of generic cinnamon toast crunch
as aneta sleeps in the other room.
I wonder what I'll do today,
on this not-so-monumental
37th birthday
maybe I'll answer my phone, maybe not
maybe I'll sleep off this rolling hangover
maybe not,
I'll update my resume.
if the computer lab is open maybe I'll work on the annealing program.
huh…
well this is it, this is where I am
fucking hell, too many excuses, not enough failure
ok, chumps
see you when I do
Saturday December 21, 2013 (1:40am)
lucky for you I can't sleep.
lucky you get to read all about my life,
and why I can't sleep.
I seriously need to stop feeling so worthless.
I have the last show tomorrow of the year.
it's a 2 hour drive,
maybe I should leave now and eat at denny's before I arrive.
I'm doing it all wrong!
see?
Ok so I was driving in that Caliber today (or was it the PriusC?)
I guess I'll never know.
and decided to write these so I'd give a clue to what I was doing this time
10 years from now
I was driving to class while thinking this, so it must have been the prius
I'm listening to Radiohead 8-bit OK Computer's Paraniod Android
and working on a paper about not taxing sugary drinks
I really wonder how far into the future I/my web journal will reach
nobody reads this, that's the beauty
there may be one published "." link to this page
Uruguay just legalized marijuana, so let's see what happens.
yeah this is better, looking past my own head
looking 10 years into the future,
I wonder what advice I'd have for me when I read this next
would it have been in me this whole time
and I just wasn't listening?
Aneta left for Atlanta today
I have one more class until the semester is over,
then finals next week
long view, take it, jerk!
(short view I'm thinking get dressed up and walk in for that engineering job,
go to that brick gallery,
finish all the catchup homework for the end of the semester
it's great because we'll see how I'll do
I'm prone to do none of those things,
really.)
on a related note, I found that on December 11, 2003 I wrote:
"destined"
Thursday December 5th 2013 (1:18am)
The glassblower Kanik Chung died yesterday in his 40's.
Didn't know him very well but he did me right most always.
Suppose he'll become more of an icon to me now,
more than he already was I guess.
I wonder if when I die I'll have such a kind farewell on Facebook as he has?
Have I spent too much/not enough time being an asshole
to earn a decent send off?
It would be sad to die in early December,
so cold and wet, just on the brink of winter proper.
I guess there are downsides to dying in any month.
My dying process has been lasting years now, and every month sucks.
RIP kanik, would be nice to end up where you were…
today's topic one of my favorite activities: overeating.
as I reached for the box of assorted crackers to dip into the turkey salad
of which I had just stuffed into a toasted sandwich, and proceeded to eat relentlessly,
I realized that this 'endless food trough' toward a fridge may be a contributing factor to my over eating. (duh)
then I also realized (as I savored the baked sesame goodness of my last bite)
that my body does NOT know when to say when.
is it a result of living within financial restraint, not being able to indulge, necessarily on food when I want it?
how poetic it would be, but no.
I'm trying to recall a time when I had no money for food and any such claims would be an exaggeration on my part.
I'm a glutton, I physically enjoy the feeling of intoxication from food (and usually alcohol)
where the only thing I could possibly accomplish successfully is a nap.
my addictive personality has again emerged finding new pleasure sensors to extort.
well, so that's it, I've identified the problem.
I used to justify my food addiction by running, sometimes over 100 miles a month(idiot)
whatever, I may do that again, I may not.
the first step is identifying the problem
the second step is finishing my beer
the third step today is getting to class
peas out
11/27/2013 11:41pm
hi,
15lb bird in the oven now for what I hope will be long enough
to not get sick
gotta make sure the stuffing is cooked since I put those weird ass innards
in there…
I know we'll be eating turkey for a long time
and I can actually wait another hour to make sure it's cooked.
3 shows in december planned
at least aneta is back in town (for now)
ok, that's all
so if it is appropriate for you,
please, feast away, happy thanksgiving.
ok and today I drew parallels between
my inability to forgive and forget my grudges and
my helplessness from how I was raised.
…since I have no choice other than to deal with certain treatment,
I draw a line and am unwilling to forget or forgive myself or others who wrong me.
no one else can walk all over me.
that's me taking control
I was a few beers in when this first struck me and
it made more sense then, now I'm just fucking sleepy
this entry is uninspired, and so am I
peace!
10/27/2013
lou reed died today,
I'm inadvertently starting the mourning process, by listening
and I'm realizing now, how hard this will be,
I don't know when or how the music became a such part of me.
but it did
you did the most amazing things in music, and you are everywhere
thank you, rest in peace, Lou Reed.
10/20/2013(11:18pm)
good evening,
I guess I'm a bit censored by good taste and decency now
not that website traffic has ever been a real problem for me.
(nor has been being an a-hole)
but I'll not use the F-word today just in case there is someone with sensitive ears reading this
yesterday I drove down to my brother's wedding
and drove back.
yup, guess you'll never know what I thought,
(and I'll never remember)
best wishes to justin and niki
hope we didn't frighten the new in-laws too terribly,
yeah, I missed the Columbus Marathon today
I think about the time I'd finish (assuming I'd finish)
I was at Meijer's scanning a 6 pack of Bell's Octoberfest
and a pound of bacon
I miss over-eating, I mean running.
10/9/2013(2:40pm)
hi, how are you?
I'm fine, I think
these journal entries are about to get "real"
well not real as in the transformation into an living(or dying)-with-an-incurable-disease blog
but I'm just going to stop changing the names and faces,
otherwise I won't remember
I don't think I'm less capable of having meaningful experiences
now that I'm older
I just choose to go with what's safe, what's comfortable
that's my new theory, as we get older, we all tend to play it a lot safer
taking opportunities one at a time,
and not freaking out about missing them
I could be full of it right now,
and you should know by now how capable of being full of it I am
so as it stands, I say whatever
got that?
whatever
9/27/2013(1:42am)
speaking of practice,
here is an edited past entry I found interesting from 1-24-2012,
enjoy!
1/24/2012(found and published 9/27/2013)
The last thing out of my mouth today
(no idea who it was with, probably Aneta)
was about my theory that all artists operate with a certain level of shallowness
(possibly that artists are 'full of shit').
First, no artist can full understand the entire scope of any of the work they are making.
Obviously once a piece is made and put into the world,
each recipient or audience member will be exposed to it,
digest it (or not),
allow it to enter into their world,
through their eyes, and deal with it on some level.
All of this being done with each individual
with their own personal reference points.
(is this true for art that is Never seen… is it still art?)
Whatever mood, tone, state that the piece is borne of is,
more often than not,
is easily cleansed from the object itself during it's birth into another individual's reality.
As soon as it's entered into a reality beyond the maker's,
it has done just that, entered into another reality.
This goes for all types of art,
there is no way for a musician to know
that a song they wrote could become a valuable piece of nostalgia
or that it could come to symbolize anything more its initial intention.
Even though an artist doesn’t necessarily know the effect of a piece of work on the world
once it is created,
do artists need to have a distinct purpose
for every single act during its creation?
Supposedly yes.
But once they perform the act of creation
their rule over what the piece is, means or meant is finished.
I treasure finding a piece of art accompanied by a statement
that is so profound
that it truly resonates with me and surpasses the effect of the piece itself
(even if it's just a title).
Is this act of creation the answering of the question, "why?"
Or is it the collection of questions already resolved?
Or should it have to be one or the other?
I believe art is a manifestation of the human spirit,
in it's yearning, emotions and limitations.
Art is a liberating idea should allow a human to create freely and safely,
by essentially, just making.
Creating only in accordance with how they feel,
yet still choosing consciously.
And accepting the answers and solutions that come.
Don't try to explain the work,
we'll see right through it,
as we should.
9/27/2013(12:45am)
'ello good evening/morning
officially the first day of not writing for 'hands on expedition' credit
but I do appreciate the blogpost idea, and I should write
if nothing else then just for practice.
my heart still sinks when I look at the archives and read about GP Morgan
it really did all happen that fast
one day to the next.
another weird thing:
did I foretell my living in Sandusky?
13 years ago?
finances are a Wreck!
but it seems like our little stock investment has made about 17.5% since August 6th
and I hope by the time I come back and read this it will have made a positive difference
so I spent the last two days blowing glass,
take me down to pumpkin city,
but seriously, don't
I gotta sell em all
and make rent this month.
9/23/2013(11:44pm)
ok, I guess this is another blog entry for my CST1350 class.
(At least there is something forcing me to write these entries!)
I like the class, and I'm finding I like writing this HTML code,
easily working late into the night, on more than one occasion.
The amount of work it takes to complete the "Hands on Exercises is a bit more than I thought,
and I'm glad to be finished with it, finally.
I started the semester late, so I began by trying to play catch up.
Maybe that is why the course load seemed a lot.
I cannot complain because the practice is good,
and I'm forced to use my book like a reference guide,
but when these gigantic assignments are due within a day of having 2 papers and 2 tests due,
it's a bit overwhelming.
But, If the exercises would have been due earlier,
I probably wouldn't have been able to catch up and submit them on time.
well, it's 11:54pm and I'd better submit this
thanks for reading, enjoy the first days of fall!
9-18-2013(3:28am)
hi, so this is the blog for CST 1350
I just realized that there are actually "hands on exercises"
towards the end of each chapter
and I can stop doing every 'hands on' practice and 'hands on' this and that…
and me, telling someone to 'measure twice and cut once' yesterday
see, I definitely need to start believing and paying attention to my own bullshit.
I'm not sure if this blog is in APA or MLA style,
and it's pretty rough for Haiku
very used to no one reading this, that's all.
another thing, I'm glad I was impatient and bought the electronic copy online
so I could cut and paste text from the book
text, not code,
and the paper copy is easier to look through as a reference, and I paid like $5 for it
and the images for the JavaJam Friday Music Events are only accessible if I bought the book online,
and that's all!
this is not about 1350:
this is mostly a note so I remember but this weekend I found out that glass pumpkins are huge!
went to Willard, Oh and the farmer's market and sold just about all the pumpkins I could make.
it's on now.
we will see, I have to find a reliable assist.
that's what's up.
9-17-2013(9:12am)
ok, so this is my new blog about writing HTML.
The work involved in following this book's lesson plans is quite hectic.
I'm also a little intimidated by my professor's background in English.
I liked math and sciences more than reading and writing, historically.
and I'm actually glad that this class is having us do projects rather than getting step-by-step recipes on how and what to code (famous last words?)
a few little things, I'm still not used to using apple's 'command' button rather than 'control-v or c'
and I'm wondering if I had this book would I just be able to teach this class to myself?
I appreciate the feedback from the professor and the students and I'm glad there are deadlines and dated checkpoints we are expected to reach,
otherwise I probably had quit studying already.
anyhow I'm already full time so these credit hours are paid for, etc.
but since this is a class and a blog about writing code
I'm going to try to close this entry and space it with the proper html instead of the usual 3 open paragraph p's I usually do.
If it doesn't work, you know exactly why.
peace!
9/9/2013(1:13am)
well, well, well,
I now am the owner of a sweet computer, so nice
probably the nicest thing I own
oh, I have a new car now, too,
not so sweet, actually mostly stinky
but it comes back from the shampoo tomorrow, and I can't wait
I have some cool new web coding techniques
this is such a boring entry, I'm so fucking tired
I don't have the same edge I did when I was younger
I'm still here, still hopeful
but not young anymore.
fuck me, I'm so tired.
gotta unload the truck tomorrow and bs my way into class.
he really wants us to write a paper on some shit we have no idea what we are talking about?
is this some type of assessment?
I totally can only think of political reasons why the world hasn't been changed already
I must be an idiot
that is exactly how I'll leave you this time.
and ps. that new code don't work!
6.30.2013(1:52am) sandusky, ohio
ok, this will be my second attempt after a computer crash destroyed my first
it's been a while since my last entry
so to catch you up
since the ides of march
we got gold rings
I started blowing glass once a week
I started trying to sell my glass twice or more a week
I'm learning a ton about marketing, selling and production
aneta got her drivers license
I'm working at K&K as a handyman/fire extinguisher
I'll soon setup a woodshop at K&K just the way I'd want it
Jeff was relieved of his job duties
Jeff is brought back to do other stuff around the buildings
I'm trying to develop the ultimate, irresistible glass item to sell at $15-20
I'm getting frustrated
I got a juniper bonsai tree, which I may have killed already...
we acquired plenty of high maintenance house plants
I changed alexisdeleon.com into a list of stalker rendez vous points
I've totally dissolved any links to this page from the homepage
I've closed an out of state bank account
I've registered for classes
we've decided to keep going with this glass thing
we've decided to just relax and 'see what happens' at work
I'm working about 7 days a week now,
usually one in the hotshop and either 2 or 3 behind my glass sale tables trying to sling it
I've met a shitload of people through this glass selling bit
I tell people this is the hardest I've ever worked in my whole life
I'm tuning my bullshitting skills
I need to remind myself to be like water
so on that note, I'll leave you.
everywhere, all over the place, and dripping,
alexis
3/15/2013(1:36am) hunters way
watching GP Morgan movies is sad,
I really loved that little furry gal
I see a lot in home movies.
I see the hope in the future,
the bliss of being unaware of what is going to happen next.
the freedom of not knowing where I'd be when I watched that movie.
I've always been sentimental, even when I was too small to have much life to remember.
I recall hearing my toddler voice on a cassette tape when I was young,
must have been 7 or 8 because it was in our old house in Kettering, Ohio.
I heard my voice and I cried. I cried because I knew that those days were over
and I'd never be so pure, so sweet and innocent ever again.
some 30 years later it's still the same.
When i watch videos 3 years ago
there is still an innocence lost that will never be back again.
Maybe that's why Zolw Washington will outlive us
he is too cool to even care about this stuff at all.
ok, now that that is through,
to catch you up to speed:
the mayan calendar ended but the world didn't,
my birthday came and went and the world didn't end for that either,
new years was spent asleep somewhere within a week of solitude,
I'm back from K and K
my occupation right now is being a jobless chauffeur
I've tried some Ho Oponopono
I've cleaned some issues
I've enrolled in school
I'm running again
The Pope quit and we got a new one
we got a tortoise named Zolw Washington Bridge
and I think that's it
oh and happy new year
2013 - live a life that's clean!
(good luck, dude)
12/19/2012 (10:07am) Sandusky, Ohio
I just got home from a 2 month fiasco
which included over about a dozen plane rides,
4 lost suitcases,
one dead father in-law,
and 5 crappy hotels that were nothing like home.
it would be nice to think that it is over and we can relax a little bit,
but that's just not true.
we'll leave again in 2 weeks for Vegas, but Aneta will be in charge then.
not to mention Christmas with the folks.
I want to shop for a tv, get my bag, eat get drunk all that stuff
I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
12-3-2012 (9:59pm, Atlanta)
My head is full of conspiracy.
Way too much tequila in my drink.
I'm suspicious of you,
Your questions are laced with intent.
You do not deserve an honest answer,
Not from me.
This is how I'm losing my mind today.
Weak.
11-28-2012(11:01am, Poznan)
while I'm sitting in a group of non-english speakers
I'm daydreaming of sculpting the human figure in clay
and building a shipping crate for tools,
and making christmas gifts of glass
and making paper ornaments and decorating our christmas tree
but now I was thinking about GP Morgan
she probably pictured us sitting in our livingroom
hope she wasn't waiting for us.
I wonder if Aneta's dad was waiting
I wonder if I should try to help my dad quit smoking
I wonder if I'll be a loser my whole life
I don't even know what to miss anymore.
I don't know what I can dream of anymore.
11/17/2012
dallas, tx
aneta's dad passed away last night.
this is a mess.
Monday, October 29, 2012(10:29pm)
Not everybody hates to be lied to,
they'll say the opposite, to defend thier honor.
But when you can give someone a moment
of joy or comfort in a word, is there harm in it?
Will the truth always come out? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
In general I've trusted in the truth. Maybe that's why my life is leading into a masturbatory hell.
I don't live in the truth, never have. I was not raised to live in the truth.
I rarely had to deal with reality.
With this as a shield, I can be scholded, abused, mocked and ridiculed to no end,
knowing that I'm not really here.
I don't hate the truth, I think it's just there.
10/24/2012(7:36am)
(hi, my brain is a mess,
it's always been,
so I shouldn't be suprised
some thoughts right now are:
strenght training, Firelands Area Runners, yoga, interior design, hotshop, dayjob, shit, family, children,
The only way to have a healthy family kids in this modern life is to stay at home.
Extended family is essential especially early in age.
None of my cousins are married with kids, jobs, families, etc.
All of our parents had us and were successful, but never had family around like grandma and grandpa.
I do remember being disappointed by my parents,
I think it was something as small as being late to pick me up from soccer practice or school on more than one occasion.
I was confused and scared to think the only people I trusted,
that I've ever trusted, wouldn't be there like they said they would.
I look at my relationships now and see that type of behavior with everyone I've ever known and loved.
Childhood friends, gradeschool friends, middleschool friends, highschool friends, freshman year of college friends,
friends from that summer, Cassady, friends from mama's, friends from bernies,
friends from glass, friends from American Christmas, friends from willoughby, friends from urban.
wow.
10/23/2012(9:56pm)
hi,
two days ago I participated in the Columbus Marathon
I essentially ran 2/3rds then walked and grimaced the rest
I learned alot.
I learned that I've got to train much harder if I want to run this thing at the pace I'd like and not get hurt.
I'm a fool for not being properly prepared for this and trying too hard to continue through the pain.
my knee is getting better every day, I'm lucky for that.
I remember telling myself that any reasonable athelete would stop running (or even walking in my case)
to prevent further injury.
but I never felt like that was an option
besides how was I supposed to get back to my car anyways?
(I joked with another runner about a wheelbarrel coming around for the broken
had I seen it I would probably have tried to get a ride!)
so I did it, I kept on
lucky I didn't cause any serious damage, (I don' think anyways)
and I got a medal for crossing the finish line,
just barely, a half hour before they closed the course
not so pretty
here is a brief breakdown at DailyMile.com
not proud of my performance but not ashamed.
chalk this one up to inexperience
next year will be different, I see the goal now
10/7/2012(10:48pm)
live from atlanta, georgia
I'm finding running in a new place is a ton more enjoyable
than running a boring old route
I fell today, catching myself with my palms.
anyways a driver passing shouted "take your time!"
and I've chosen to receive that as wisdom rather than malice
those words resonated for the last 3 miles
and I think it would be a good thing to integrate
into my running and life.
blah, I don't feel like stylizing much anything
so this is what you get, peace.
10/7/2012
atlanta, ga
somewhere around mile 5 I was
running up a slight incline approaching an intersection
I fell, scuffed my knee and caught myself
with my palms
took a beat with my chest on the ground
got up and started running again
someone who was stopped at the oncoming intersection
yelled "take your time!"
as he obeyed his green light and passed me
so it being the only thing said to me besides a couple of generic "good morning's"
an hour into my being awake today,
it resonated.
Last night's fortune cookie read: "Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!"
maybe this is bigger than I thought!
9/27/2012(9:36pm)
so for the past week I've been 'rehabbing' my hip.
which means doing stretches and exercises for my abs, hips and glutes
it's my right buttcheek that hurts, even after 2 miles of running
I'm worried because in 3 weeks I'm scheduled to run 26.2 miles in Columbus
so essentially my taper has become a nosedive,
with rocks breaking my fall on the way down
the name of the game now isn't "under 4 hours"
it's "survive the run without serious injury, stupid"
that's exactly the name of the game now
9/25/2012 (11:15pm)
so GP's legacy
(besides the eaten tassles on our rug or the chewed cords on just about everything)
is probably the idea of disappointment
in her short life, if we would leave her with someone or take her someplace
we would always come back to get her
and bring her home
I wonder when she realized that she wasn't coming back home with us
and we'd never see her again
or if she even did at all.
I think of my life
it's been a series of people, places, laughs and trips.
almost none of them ever lasting very long
that's my fault,
my walking through life discarding relationships
I was thinking about changing it, all of it
maybe
Friday, September 21, 2012(10:23pm)
digging up some old cd books
I found a Built to Spill mix I made years ago in my post-adolescence angst.
I'm definitely reminded of the emotions I had when adding these songs,
convinced of thier significance in the entire world,
but now I'm not so sure.
anyhow, now I'm "lead fabricator" in the new K&K prop shop.
trying to build an automatic fish feeder for our installation trips.
and I'll take a minute to write a R.I.P for GP Morgan.
ok, now I'm sad for GPMC.
did you know when I was holding her or lounging with her on my chest,
she would nibble lightly on my finger to signal that she wanted to be put back down
in her room?
when we went to the vet and they took biopsy samples from her,
she nibbled my finger
I wish I could have saved her
life is so worthless
we seriously need to suffer through all this?
what in the hell is it for?
I'm a liar
and a thief
have a nice life.
R.I.P. GP Morgan Chase 2/2009 - 9/4/2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012 (5:17am)
Live from Fairview Lanes, just outside of Sandusky, Ohio.
since I last spoke to you a lot has happenned.
and now I'm here,
Running is something I do have, to keep me sane, I've been logging my running and exercise on DailyMile.com
The Columbus Marathon is October 21st then the Brooklyn Marathon is November 18th so those are the goals for me right now.
I traded that fretless bass for a new Washburn acoustic, I like the way it sounds
I found a glass studio, and I get to work there now on the weekends.
It's the first dark 6am since I've been here and I'm going for a run.
Catch you on the flip, wherever it may be.
June 12, 2012 (11:38pm)
ok, so...
we are moving in 25 days
we bought a Toyota Prius C
I have 3 days of work left
and I have a ring being made, it's more than I can afford
my mind is really just all over the place
April 30, 2012 (8:26am)
yesterday's lincoln tunnel 5k has made me sore as all heck!
not a bad finish, more later!
but for now
"bank error in most cases the money didn't come from a "community chest" but another bank client who will
be missing the money and come after it. so there is a victim, the person whose money it actually is. However,
since the invention of interest banks have been raking in money, generating it, pushing numbers
and beans around all into their favor. So when some newbie teller puts the beans into the wrong account, lord
knows they can cover it tenfold if they have to, but they wont. Because they have made it their business to collect
one bean from every single one of their 10,000,000 customers, and they have also made it their business to
not miss a single one, especially if was supposed to go into their pocket.
I say ethical, the banks should shoulder the loss, when I make banking mistakes, I have to pay for it.
They should too."
Friday, April 20, 2012 (12:26am)
(I'll come back and read this about my running experience and already know it sucks)
I used to think I knew a thing or two about running shoes, but I didn't know what a difference it makes,
literally down the road. Since September of last year, I've been running more miles than I've ever run in my entire life.
Because of my foot's tendency to over pronate I've always worn shoes that boast a supportive heel cup,
fixing the way my feet land on the ground.
But I've never used these shoes with the mileage of a cross country runner.
I'm a natural heel-striker. Meaning I'd rather run with a long stride, landing severly on my heels and rolling off
my toes. While the internet is full of people who stand adamantly for either side of 'forefoot-striking' vs.
'heel-striking' runners. I would say if your body is used to running a certain way,
do it and don't fill your head with tweeking every step, it's taxing and only amusing for about 2 weeks.
Same goes for shoes, if you have a pair of shoes that is tweeking your articulation at every step, it will eventually hurt you.
For this reason the type of shoe you wear, especially if you intend to run with higher mileage totals, is terribly important.
I've always trained in "support-y" shoes, but never really ran distances.
After putting about 70 miles on a pair of "support-y" shoes that was trying to force me to land on a part of my foot t
hat I didn't want to land on, my entire right leg was in pain, with every step.
I was devistated, I thought I'll never be able to run again. I looked into my running mechanics and thought heel-striking was causing me problems,
so I got a pair of shoes with a minimal heel and as it turns out, not supporty at all.
All in an effort to begin running as a forefoot-striker. What an enormous difference it made.
From the first day I used the shoes I could tell the difference, the pain was gone.
Initially I was trying to run on my toes, but as I started to fatigue I started to fall back into my old form,
but landing slightly more onto my midfoot
because of the thinner heel cushioning. I'm rounding the 70 mile mark with these new shoes
and the pain had not reappeared at all.
So I guess the moral of this story is:
if you have to run far and wear shoes, get the right ones.
jesus, what a day yesterday
congrats to aneta for getting the job
hope the screening goes well
goodbye GP Morgan Chase Manhattan
We miss you already and always will
(9/27/2013: 2:59am we gave her to a couple of women in queens
who, I'm convinced looted GP's nice purple tapestry, custom crate, and glass bowl
the last two still have her name on them
we chatted in the cold, and I shouted "goodbye GP!
down the sidewalk walking back to the truck.
the next day was sad, but Aneta's allergies were immediately better
now that GP is dead I wonder where my sadness and regret comes from
she was a good GP.
I hope she knew how much we love her
we have her picture next to the dresser where her room was,
we've started letting her go, slowly.)
4/11/2012(10:40pm)
new counter today, hope it's reliable
(starting at 365) just wrote the letter to Kristin,
GP's new human
so for the last time,
I'll say "goodnight GP" 4/8/2012 (11:30pm)
as the days count down that I have to
give up my GP Morgan
I keep explaining to her that we have to give her up
'thursday' I keep saying
I keep tlaking to her enough I hope she knows
aneta believes it matters more to me than it does her,
and that's probably true
anyways she is going to have a good gp life there
with friends and playmates
it should be fine
again, I say we 4.t.12(B:S2am)
good morning
I think it may be true what they say about twenty twelve
that cycles that usually happen over years and centuries
are now sped up into months and days
there is a lot happenning in my life right now
and in reality, I've been reluctant to really move on anything
then I got the email, we can give GPMC to Sarah in Woodside
this week, and we decided against friday the 13th
so I think it's thursday, I hope she'll make gp friends and get to play outside
we! on this whole situation 4.7.12(1:08am)
fry 2 sliced cloves of garlic with a chopped onion
and some cracked black pepper in a generous amount of olive oil
add some seasoning
when the onions have browned,
add about half a bottle (or less) of dry white wine
when simmering add a handful of parsley and a quarter stick of butter and put in about 2 dozen (or more) mussels
cover and steam
when the mussels open up
steam for about 8 more minutes
eat. 4/5/2012 (1:30am)
I wish I had some outlet, some real way to say
"hey world, this sucks! But I'm not going to just sit back and take it.
I'm gonna do something about it, and even if I can't change it
I want to let you know that I am certainly not fucking happy."
gpmc was scared when I was holding her after her bath.
she was scared of what we'd do to her.
then as I was woken by Aneta's asthmatic coughing in the middle of the night
I had to consider the options.
how cruel is it to try to give away a guinea pig who is balding and riddled
with tumors, who may only have a few months to live,
who has only known Aneta and I for her whole life to a complete stranger?
is it worse to put her down ourselves?
how would we (I) do it?
I'm not going to terrify her by bringing her to the vet to be put down.
no way!
there has to be another way,
I AM convinced!
we've mopped the house 3 times in the last 4 days,
I got a window exhaust fan directly above her cage out the window
there is another room, the furthest from gp that Aneta spends the day in
I gave gp a bath.
I got rid of the carpet gp hangs out on
what else can I do
I have to go to petsmart and buy the anti-allergy spray...
it's petland discounts and I got the hours, I'll go tomorrow
and I ordered a bottle online and a book about living with allergies
which should arrive this weekend
I'm fighting this,
but I still feel sick. 3/30/2012 (3:18)
hi, I'm having another breakdown
this one is more quiet
I think having to give up gpmc
will be very difficult
I feel like I can't even be nice to her in front of Aneta
what the fuck is up?
(along with the weirdness at work)
I feel like breaking the trust gpmc has in me is
just another in a long string of
untrustworthy actions.
is there anyone (alive) who trusts me?
(I say alive because once you're dead
I don't have to worry if you trust me or not)
I gotta man up, and live with the fact that
promises are worthless, and my word is only good
for as long as I feel like it.
so today Aneta goes to Sandusky for an interview.
and when I think, I can't sleep.
3-23-2012 (originally 6:07, now it's 6:24am)
hello, much has hapenned since the last entry.
yesterday I heard Lorne Michaels say on Alec Baldwin's podcast
something to the effect of creativity being borne from rules.
I believe that is true,
my creative process is like stinky, shiny soup
and what are my rules?
I'll pick one that I like, function
(this idea felt so much more profound when I first wrote it,
before my computer froze.)
anyways function to satisfy need,
creativity to exploit function.
I think I need to chew on that for a while.
so I meant to write on the Leap Day, Feb. 29th this year,
but didn't, but mentioning it now may be relevant in the future.
tweets are such an easy way to dump the shit I want to dump
onto the internet, as long as I can do it in 140 characters.
(unlike my Notepad HTML editor)
oh, and there's a chance that we may be moving back to Ohio,
this time around Sandusky.
geez, is this failure, is this me giving up, if so on what?
I also got some hearing back in my left ear,
the surgery by Dr. Smoha went well, but it's not 100% like my right.
I'm not convinced it will be, just based on what the surgeon himself said.
the other doctors really didn't know what they were promising.
it's almost been 6 weeks since the surgery and I'm using every day
as an excuse to put off my running regimen.
(I'm fantasizing about being selected to run,
but won't say too much or I may jinx it,
I'll find out mid April)
so that's all, I guess.
my job at Roll and Hill, rolls on
and so do I
Peace Out, Folks - for now
1/24/2012(found and published 9/27/2013)
The last thing out of my mouth today
(no idea who it was with, probably Aneta)
was about my theory that all artists operate with a certain level of shallowness
(possibly that artists are 'full of shit').
First, no artist can full understand the entire scope of any of the work they are making.
Obviously once a piece is made and put into the world,
each recipient or audience member will be exposed to it,
digest it (or not),
allow it to enter into their world,
through their eyes, and deal with it on some level.
All of this being done with each individual
with their own personal reference points.
(is this true for art that is Never seen… is it still art?)
Whatever mood, tone, state that the piece is borne of is,
more often than not,
is easily cleansed from the object itself during it's birth into another individual's reality.
As soon as it's entered into a reality beyond the maker's,
it has done just that, entered into another reality.
This goes for all types of art,
there is no way for a musician to know
that a song they wrote could become a valuable piece of nostalgia
or that it could come to symbolize anything more its initial intention.
Even though an artist doesn’t necessarily know the effect of a piece of work on the world
once it is created,
do artists need to have a distinct purpose
for every single act during its creation?
Supposedly yes.
But once they perform the act of creation
their rule over what the piece is, means or meant is finished.
I treasure finding a piece of art accompanied by a statement
that is so profound
that it truly resonates with me and surpasses the effect of the piece itself
(even if it's just a title).
Is this act of creation the answering of the question, "why?"
Or is it the collection of questions already resolved?
Or should it have to be one or the other?
I believe art is a manifestation of the human spirit,
in it's yearning, emotions and limitations.
Art is a liberating idea should allow a human to create freely and safely,
by essentially, just making.
Creating only in accordance with how they feel,
yet still choosing consciously.
And accepting the answers and solutions that come.
Don't try to explain the work,
we'll see right through it,
as we should.
1-24-2012 (11:40pm)
(the first version:)
The last thing out of my mouth today
was something to the effect that all artists operate with a certain level of shallowness.
No artist fully understands the pieces they are making.
I have to believe this because, obviously once a piece is made and put into the world,
each recipient or audience member will allow it to enter into their world,
through their eyes and with their own personal reference points.
Whatever mood, tone, state that the piece is borne of is, more often than not,
ultimately cleansed from the object itself during the creative process .
This is a safe explanation of why I think that artists can never really know what they are doing.
This goes for all types of art,
there is no way for a musician to know that a song they wrote
could become a valuable piece of nostalgia or that it could come to
symbolize anything besides its initial intention.
The argument continues that if an artist claims
to know exactly what he or she is doing, then they are full of shit.
Now I have to rewind a bit,
because even though an artist doesn't necessarily
know the effect of a piece of work on the world once it is created,
do artists have to have a distinct purpose for every single act during its creation?
I mean is the act of creation the answering of these questions,
or is it a collection of answers already resolved?
Or should it be one or the other?
My only conclusion is my basic belief in what art, in itself, is.
I believe it is a manifestation of the human spirit, in it's yearning, humility, and emotions.
This is a liberating idea should allow one to create freely and safely,
making according to how I feel, still choosing consciously,
but accepting the answers and solutions that come.
This same idea can be paralyzing, as well, if taken too seriously.
The end of the world begins today.
I've been waiting a long time to see what the Mayan's were talking about.
I feel like I've been waiting since before everyone knew about it.
Last night on a Skype conversation,
this subject came up, and my only comment was
"It's fine if the end of the world happens this year,
I'm up to my eyeballs in debt."
maybe I'm too old now for that to be funny.
I was speaking to a mother and a couple trying to start a family.
And aparrently the apocalypse this year would be a tragedy for thier families.
and do I really have nothing to lose?
I 'know' this won't be the end of times
I would never be so lucky actually see it (another running joke)
(speaking of which, happy birthday to me, merry christmas, etc.)
my curiousity remains unsatisfied,
until around this time next year
then we'll know something, I think.
at any rate, at least this year will be different
this is it, this is the end
so I will jump at the opportunity to wish you
The Final Happy New Year! Wednesday, December 7, 2011(8:16am)
hi, I'm having some thoughts about interpersonal interactment,
namely I feel guilty for being rude while someone else
was trying to finish a sentence.
strange, I guess I've been on the receiving end of it
and hated it.
yet, I didn't quite learn.
is this part of my "comedic genius",
recognizing patterns in conversation and pouncing at the moment?
I'm so hilarious the world just hasn't caught up...
(yeah...)
anyhow I don't want to offend people, new friends or co-workers
etc...
hopefully publishing my concern here will absolve me of this sin
and I can finally forgive myself for it.
and I wish I could tweet this guilt away
but 140 characters isn't enough, I was raised Catholic, after all November 25, 2011 (11:06pm)
After that last entry, on Nov. 17th I went to zuccotti park to support Occupy Wall Street.
Having recently lost my job, I had to decide to go surfing in the cold,
or go join in on the marches planned for 7am.
Procrastinating, I watched the masses accumulating
on wide arial views (due to a media-blackout-style "no fly zone" issued) on tv
and streaming video on the web,
then finally decided to just go.
Getting off the train, I swear, it looked like any other day in the financial district,
people walking fast with phones to thier ears, plastic bags, leather bags,
maybe just a bit more eye contact than usual, but not much.
I started going downtown faster, I had to find it.
After a couple of police barricade lined blocks I finally heard the drums and voices.
I arrived to a group of about 3-400 people crowding the sidewalks on all 4 corners
at the intersection of Nassau and Pine, everyone facing into the street shouting and chanting.
Police were standing alone, staggered in the street, looking suprisingly relaxed.
It was nice to be greeted by a humane edge to the protests,
seeing the police officers, men and women,
weren't scared shitless of being eaten alive by the hundreds of people
surrounding them and screaming.
That's where I saw someone first yell "MIKE CHECK!"
We, Aneta and I, had read on a Polish news website about the practice
of a non-electrified speaker being repeated by the crowd
so other protesters further away could hear what was being said.
I found it noble that without electricity protesters in the park were repeating information
by thier voices,
and just as the cops had taken the electricity the night before
so had the local news neglected to report what was actually happening.
I had to get an account from a report published half a planet away,
yet the information manages to get through.
These 'mike checks' were being repeated in quadruplicate
once by each corner, pretty amazing.
News that the Wall Street bell had been postponed was buzzing through the crowd,
and trough tweets. And finally we sang the National Anthem,
I did notice one of the police officers mouthing the words with us,
kind of made me feel like we are all in it together,
aren't we though, after all?
I marched with the group back to Liberty Square
where I talked to a few people and observed for a bit,
actually here is some footage of that day... you can see me geeking out bigtime
in the bottom right corner of the screen, 1:12:25 into this video.
(in my defense I was reading his press tag which said
"the other 99" which the stream what motivated me to actually
get my ass down there that morning.)
so, today I watched "Capitalism: A Love Story"
and if you ever wonder what the OWS is all about
why people aren't happy
and why people refuse to leave Libery Square
watch that movie.
Fact checkers please please dispute anything you may think are lies or bias
that Michael Moore submits as truth,
I'd be glad to any of hear it. nov. 16, 2011 (11:31pm)
feel pretty vunerable, my finances are teetering on a few handshakes
pretty pathetic that I have to beg and do all this just for a mediocre financial existence
am I so stupid that I can't find the means to earn a living wage?
have I become such an outcast to society that I can't be accepted and paid a normal salary
just like every one else?
I'm a big liar, you can see through me every thing I do.
did you expect anything less?
I shouldn't talk so much, that's the only time I lie. Sunday 10-30-2011(8:41am)
Good morning,
my daily-ish running has been put on hold for a week or so
because of pain in my right ankle
making my whole right leg ache strangely.
That said, I'm considering turning this blog into a "dying man's" journal
like the blogging cancer patients who summon millions of followers,
just longer.
I'll log my daily deterioration,
my struggle and hopes to fight it,
then I'll die.
Each day I'll have some insightful and profound moment that I'll share,
that will speak to people at thier core,
not only reminding them how essential it is to be alive,
but also how lucky they are to not be me.
I'll have a long list of things I used to be able to do
but sadly, in my condition, I can't do any longer.
I'll have pictures in which I look healty and happy
then show you what I look like now.
When I'm gone there will be an picture of an empty bed
the sunlight will pierce through the window for the first time in days,
it'll be seen long enough to get a picture of it, then the room will empty again.
The light will bounce off the sheets and now sentimental tiny objects on the bedside table
casting reflections on the walls, even the ceiling.
"Alexis would have liked this" a comment or thought would pass while standing in the doorway.
As the room goes on paying it's silent tribute to the space where I lived, ate, shit, and finally died.
The peaceful beauty without an audience continues, and will, over and over after I'm gone.
So, I'm asking in the most honest way I know,
if you'll please sympathize rather than empathize with me when I say
I'm dying and I'm not sure if I even give a crap. Saturday, 10/8/2011(7:28pm)
hi, paddled out today for my first October surf session.
and guess what? I finally caught a wave!
on a "flat, inconsistant" day, standing up on my board felt pretty good
(so now I'm looking for rubber booties, gloves and a hood...)
things to consider:
occupy wall street (now and forever),
potential illness coming,
RIP Amy Winehouse (now and forever),
running,
the legend of zelda in my pocket,
carving a block of plaster,
data plans,
student loan forbearance
the end of the world
and tweet the planet
9/13/2011(7:23am)
not exactly sure why...
yesterday at work when my legs were so sore
the pain from moving made me almost lose consciousness
(it was that or sleep deprivation, both of which, it turns out, I'm experimenting with)
during one of these semi-lucid moments
I came to the conclusion that the soreness
hurts so bad that it's releasing adrenaline
and I actually love being sore.
and now I can't even buy into that.
so, I say run till it hurts, then run some more...
one day you won't be able to run, then you won't. 9/6/2011 (8:58pm)
the rain continues to come down for the 15th straight hour
I tweeted that this is a kind of validation, or consolation
for how I feel about my life
but it doesn't help.
I'm not as crazy as I want to be.
still have the west memphis 3 on my mind
hope they catch the killer
glad they freed those guys
18 fucking years later
unbelieveable.
my lame brain is thinking of work,
I'm restless, rainy, tired, moved, hungry, sleepy, dazed, frustrated, confused, chewed up, waaaaaaaaa
8/20/2011 (8:48pm)
another saturday night and I've got aneta mad at me
(for being a db and choosing to try a job that everyone knew was impossible.)
I got no money,
and I just got paid.
how I wish I had someone reading this blog
I'm in an awful way
not awful enough to start smoking again
but maybe bad enough to order chinese food.
deep thought for the day:
I noticed that I named this website "past.html"
and it always made perfect sense to me, named as such.
I guess because at the moment of every entry's completion
it becomes the past, whether it be less than a millisecond ago, or years ago
I wonder if this correlates to my twitter presence
and my absence from this page
since I'm "all about the now"
and I "don't waste my time with the past(.html)"
ok homeslices,
until next time,
don't take the bait. 8/10/2011(6:41am)
(GPMC's biopsy results found spindle cells,
and the doctor explained those are typical of
certain types of cancers, malignant cancers.
just one of the samples came up with this
and it's possible it's a mistake
anyways, wee she seems happy
ps. London's burning - I hope it spreads all the way here
not because I feel like I'd survive in an anarchist state,
but because I know the government should have reminders
of the unrest that exists,
and they don't listen to votes,
they only listen to burning cars. 8/3/2011(12:44am)
today (yesterday) we found out that GP Morgan has lumps in her
lymph areas, and one in her belly the size of a walnut.
some samples were taken to see what kind of cells the lumps are made of
and the vet will call us in a couple of days.
the walnut could be a hormonal problem that could potentially be fixed
if she got spayed
otherwise, she may get a steroid to fight it-
she seems normal, active, eating, pooping,
but I'm sad she's sick, of course.
gpmc is my favorite gp ever.
so when the vet was taking the biopsy samples
gp nibbled on my finger gently like she does
when she doesn't want to be held anymore.
that's my cue, otherwise she'll pee on me.
she's so cute,
she trusts us and she was very happy to be home.
I did lose it a bit, crying for my gp.
man,
this has to be perfect fodder for what's called "twittercide" 6/26/2011(11:57pm)
ok, I was lying in bed
strumming through the inspiring propaganda tweets
I could potentially offer to my 'captured' audience
and was thinking of writing a simple form script that will
update my website automatically
an html script designed to I have to look into this
and I was craving some chocolate cake and milk
(I had to settle for some months-old, prepackaged brownies from the freezer)
6-14-2011(10:19pm)
ok, so today, for the first time, with the help of my Lola Edna's wok
I successfully made my own Pancit
(and it actually tastes like pancit,
better than some I've had, even.)
here's the recipe:
soak rice noodles and drain
marinate sausage(mexican chorizo), chicken, and shrimp in soy sauce and lemon juice
fry 4 chopped cloves of garlic and one coarsely chopped onion
add meat and marinate, cover and sautee
add 4 chopped carrots, 4 stalks of celery, and a chopped handful of greenbeans
cover until liquid collects
add noodles and cover in sauce
add small chopped head of cabbage and chopped bundle of green onions
let simmer until cabbage wilts
turn off heat and add crumbled pork rind,
toss and add lemon juice to flavor
note: this was all done on high heat
eat and enjoy!
I was told that this pan was actually the wok
my grandmother brought to the united states
from the Phillipines in the 1960's
ok, so tomorrow I will try to start to take 5 pictures a day
we'll see how it works.
peace! 6-14-2011(12:19am)
Rest in Peace Lola Edna Palileo
1919-June 7, 2011 6/11/2011(1:18pm chicago time)
ok, so I would be lying if I didn't say I'm glad to be going home.
that word 'home' has plenty of meanings now.
of course home is always where my loved ones are:
aneta, gpmc, mom & dad, cassidy, justin
but when it comes to comforts
like a full fridge, a wardrobe where nothing's missing or forgotten
and a comfortable existence
I call Ridgewood home, and I call Centerville home too.
seeing my cousin's family displaced by my aunt's passing
of course disproves my theory,
of home being where the heart is
but challenges the idea of the strength in family being relationships
rather than just a familiar fridge,
I just realized through a conversation with my cousin that
not having her childhood home in the family anymore had a greater effect on
her and her family than I thought
of course the siblings are all chasing thier futures and such
but I still feel lucky that I can call my childhood neighborhood, my parents' neighborhood
home.
sorry this probably needs to be edited a lot more than I can do now
5/23/2011(7:41am)
my may 16th tweet should have read:
"A suspicious young mistiza across the train
read from a book of clouds,
as the Domino Sugar building appeared abruptly from the fog,
much bigger than it had ever done before." 5/9/2011(12:40am)
hey what's up?
why am I pretending to be an artist?
when I'm not
maybe I want to be an artist
with a brain and body that realizes concepts
beautifully illustrated and explored to thier fullest
with airtight reasoning and curiosity,
with the craftsmanship deserved of such lofty things,
with a following that will never let me do wrong.
art is about juxtapositions, statements, and observations,
am I confused about what it is to me?
is it something to prove what a big brain I have,
or to show what skilled hands I have?
or is it an arena to play my one good hand
to ultimately immortalize me?
are my eyes too fixed on a prize,
so far away that I only see a mountain of work in front of me
and not my next step?
is it safe to say, now
that I have given up.
and the joke has become reality?
if I can convince myself that my ideas
are worth the effort to express them again
that may be the first step.
I am not like the "artists"
I do not have access and funding for any material I please.
I should treat this time like an exercise,
an exercise in using materials, whatever I can get.
ugh,
really? 4/18/2011(5:50am)
good morning, as I carve an existence in the one city in the world
most representational of the state of our civilization.
it bothers me to think...
so I shouldn't
-a 3/4/2011 (12:04am)
today's letter to my Glassblowing 1 class:
Hello,
So, I used to work for a glassblower who, when interviewed about his art, mentioned (something to the point of) "since glass is all about heat and I'm all about glass, I take the same philosophy toward glass and apply it to food... and it's totally like, the same thing." While I agree with him on some points, like glass is all about the heat, and he is all about glass, I don't know about the cooking thing. But I do know that having a 900 degree oven, a 1200 degree garage, and an 1800 degree gloryhole does offer opportunities that my microwave and George Foreman Grill cannot.
so on that note, at the end of class tomorrow we'll have a little snack session. Miho and I will be bringing some snacks, feel free to bring something you'd like to share. (if you are considering throwing a pizza in the annealer, let me know first -we'd have to make space arrangements/wrap it in tinfoil to keep the brick dust out, etc.) experimentation is welcome (within moderation) and there is a full size fridge available to keep you cool and fresh.
looking forward to Saturday, have a great Friday!
-Alexis
I guess I like taking playful shots at some people,
not that I don't respect them or anything...
I actually think I'm still not quite right from having 11 of my pipes and punties
just walk out of the studio
yuk,
I still haven't digested it completely.
maybe I never will. 2-16-2011 (1am)
who am I kidding, I have plenty to do.
here's an a list:
devest glass pcs,shoot glass pcs, edit a quick video
follow up on tempered glass offer,
make super-blow-mold,
cast rubber for eggcrates,
cut fat swashtikas, and fuse or bind
invest sconces for pate-de-verre
here's a b list:
call hhc
do taxes
I should put more B vitamins in my diet
and I should work all day tomorrow
8 hours is the goal
I'll try to clock in and out
we'll see
and tony o. was awesome
I worry too much
now I just have to worry about my real job
2-13-2011 (9:47pm)
'watch it happen'
so today I met a gentleman named tony oursler
he wanted to book me to make some glass pieces
he was going to give me his email,
but I gave him a card with my email, instead.
turns out he's famous,
famous enough to not have any direct contact information
anywhere immediately on the internet.
he may have expected me to be a little more star struck,
but only after a few google searches did I,
remember seeing his work in boston.
and I don't think his work really resonated anywhere within me, necessarily.
perhaps in the grand scheme,
I have an artistic obligation to not encourage him to make any more.
instant karma in the flesh-losin like it's in style,
-alexis 2-12-2011 (9:35am)
got my ny plates yesterday,
glad I finally did it.
also I was told my chinese horoscope for this year
said there may be a car accident with some "blood shed".
crap, plus the registration expires on 2/13
so I've got the unlucky number 13 posted in the lower
left hand corner of my windshield.
just great.
I think there's something wrong with the bearings?
and I was also told the engine mount is bad, gotta fix that.
so...
please chillax to the sout-aprikan beats of Die Antwoord
unbelieveable 1-8-2011 3:14am
just some thoughts about things,
(This was commented out, makes no sense today, 8/13/2026,: hey dude, go get your cdl!
your ticket to a better life
enough with your fucked up attitude)
not writing it in here for you, though.
I have never been this sick, for as long as i can remember.
of course self-depreciating-I call it karma
like I've done such horrible things with my life,
that I deserve to cough up yellow mucus balls uncontrollably for 2 days straight.
this is turning out to be a very Catholic illness.
the word of the day is "conditional"
as in: "The parents, not knowing how to control thier child,
decided thier affection to be conditional according to the childrens' behavior,
causing the children to have trust issues for the rest of thier fucked up lives."
ok, that's enough.
wow, I'm a bitter apple,
(ya think?)
and in general I'm just trying to disguise it,
(or I'm trying to distract myself/you from it)
on that note, today is my 12,345th day on this planet,
is that at least cause for celebration?
hooray, I get a phlegm ticker-tape parade.
1-6-2011 1:09pm
happy new year! well, I'm back from berlin/poznan/berlin
the streets of berlin on new year's were crazy,
people lighting off fireworks everywhere.
we stayed near Alexanderplatz and went out to Spittelmarkt
I think I saw my cousin, Andrea, on the U2 train platform
it's a small enough world, I guess.
it was a nice trip
but now I'm sick as hell, my throat hurts from coughing so much
uh
and apparently there was a partial solar eclipse in europe on the 3rd
but it was so overcast we didn't see the sun but once the entire trip.
so welcome to 2011... we've died and gone to heaven.
and happy birthday to me 12-22-2010 3:17am
I'm not wise to actually poop in my food bowl, but it's worthy of mention today. yesterday I saw the end of a full lunar eclipse
that is, a full eclipse over a full moon
on the winter solstice, none the less.
I wondered if this day of epic timely coincidences would be remembered by me at all,
or if it would slip into my pocket with all the other coins, as most have before.
I was reminded of a news story I saw on 60 minutes this weekend,
about what's called "superior autobiographical memory".
this is the phenomenon where a person will remember every single day of his or her life.
I don't know how to describe myself sentimental, regretful, guilt riddled;
but as I sit here at 3:30am, unable to sleep because of some anxiety and worry of the day's events
(this one or any combination of the ones passed)
I would describe my memory as disasterous.
perhaps I am entertaining the wrong method to remembering my life.
but many times when i think back, I see scars and pain and regret.
like all the wrinkles in my brain are nothing but a record
of the damage that I've done to my life, and all the people in it.
(my brain is the manatee in the shallow florida vacation home bay waters of life,)
if I were burdened to remember every single day, I wouldn't be able to function
breakdowns would occur more often than they do now, and I would sleep even less.
I'd like to be able to say, "so may this day be forgotten, let them all be forgotten"
but I can't, and I won't
though my actions may speak otherwise,
I don't forget people and places that I shouldn't forget.
so let this day be remembered,
if nothing else in the shallow, unread 'blog' that is my life.
until next time,
May your moons be full and your nights be long when the shadow is cast... 12-7-2010 4:14am
ok, good morning
I managed to read some of the julie-julia project blog
and although I applaud how the movie brought the entire story
into context (and perhaps embellished or romanticized, as well)
the beginnings of the blog seem rocky,
my synopsis: the writing was casual, not-so-rythmic, with a splash of a big word here and there.
but the first day did leave me dry, uninspired indeed. I stopped reading after a month, the first time she discussed the recipe itself.
which held my attention better than the less wordy blurbs of how easy the dishes were to make.
that part I did enjoy, she spoke of the changes in the fundamentals of her cooking theory.
that was interesting.
I don't know much about writing, journalism, reporting, poetry, or even learning disabilites.
I'm convinced that my short attention span,
and the resulting inability to read more than 3 pages of Anything before I fall asleep,
are actually a learning disability.
and no, I'm not trying to compete with any of the "asperger crowd",
I just wish I could be a better reader.
and I have terets syndrome, where I have verbal spasms, but
only when thoughts of regret and unlivable past mistakes cross my mind. (daily)
I'm sick as hell 12-6-2010 7:14pm
watching julie and julia
and saw billy elliot yesterday.
I don't feel so good.
RIP Leslie Neilsen 12-2-2010 2:12am
I'm even scared to donate to wikileaks.
I wonder how this will play out
some argue that the leaks just reinforce our foriegn policy
but politicians and diplomats can't have that type of transparency
heaven forbid.
we'll see (or maybe we won't)
11-21-2010 8:52pm
ok, it's almost bedtime
11-10-2010 7:22pm
hi, I just ate a 1.4lb steak
celebration, I guess after receiving my first paycheck.
I'm good with this new job.
moving art all day
I saw a picture of Kate Moss I've never seen before today
it was in black and white, she was naked, hugging her knee, looking over her shoulder
no idea who took the picture and I didn't really get a chance to see it very well
but it gave me a chuckle, knowing it probably wasn't a print
and probably will never become one.
and probably not affordable for me.
as a longtime fan
I must say,
it wasn't that nice, she looked too vunerable,
but as I said, I didn't really get a chance to look at it all that well
working at this job is somewhat inspiring
I guess...
peace and deja vu (I'm watching "terminator: salvation"). 10/31/2010, 11:03pm
hi, happy halloween.
do it up, all of you.
today your public loves you for it. 10/13/2010, 12:41am
well, it's been a while, once again
I'm applying for jobs like crazy
I can't imagine where I'll find myself.
the census has been over for about 3 weeks now,
and I haven't been out surfing in about 2 weeks
I have a full suit I'm planning on trying out tomorrow.
if it's not freezing cold when I wake up.
I actually did roll a "smokey treat" for tomorrow
I've always hated that term,
but it just came to mind
and so now it's forever invested in the archival amber of my online journal
maybe someday I'll extract the DNA of where I heard it first
(I can't remember that girl's name at all right now)
and use it to clone forgettable people to surround me with a new life experience.
this is another fine example why we (I in particular)
should not mess with introducing genetically unfit entities (be them memories or fish)
into our world, I've seen Jurasic Park, I know the deal.
so until next time, please
keep it real, keep it unmodified. 8/22/2010, 12:19am
yesterday, the 21st, was a pretty eventful day
it started with some eggs over easy over rice, which I enjoyed,
next I saw a body in the street, she was alive, thank god, but hit by a car while jogging, which was scary
then a shark swimming with me in the water, which was even more scary
then a flat tire, and thankfully a tire shop 3 blocks away (who offered me a $35 tire and sold me a tire for $25)
watched some NASCAR at the Bristol Motor Speedway and took a nap, which was nice
then I heard some black sabbath, 2 newcastles from a tap, 4 baby back ribs, and saw andrea(missy)
and finally bought $3 worth of scratch and win lottery tickets
from which I won $4.
so today (or technically yesterday)
I remain,
unbitten and holding a winning scratch and win ticket. 8-4-2010
hello, I'm finally editing my website
it's a long process
and I'm finding plenty of jpegs
that are entirely useless
wish me luck
oh and my rib isn't broken, but it's still sore
got about a week of rest off of it, that's all
but it's really back to the grind
we'll see how it goes.
yeah, I start a new job
on monday, surfing and lots of things are keeping my mind off it 7-13-2010
hi everybody, it finally rained today
I think the first time in 2 weeks
so I hurt my ribs yesterday
now I can't pick anything up or barely move without
pain
hope it isn't fractured or something crazy like that
we'll see tomorrow.
see you then! 6-28-2010
yesterday I got a surfboard
it's a used al merrick it's beautiful and I wish I knew how to use it.
it will come with time,
and a black superhero outfit
my arms are sore
and I still feel the waves pushing me up and down
5-18-2010
day of the pig?
maybe it was today maybe it was yesterday
can't say much about a gutted pig
but I was thinking about it a bit
after seeing "brother's keeper" about the Ward brothers,
in upstate new york
now I'm watching "delirous"
a Steve Buscemi movie
and I'm wondering
'think big to get big'
ya ya ya ya ya
maybe I'll write @ this tomorrow
maybe not 5-3-2010(2:01am)
well it was an interesting day
yesterday moreso
yestereday I did a demo at urban
(and in preparation managed to change into
over-confident-think-you're-funnier-than-you-are-entertainer-but-a-bit-obnoxious mode),
then proceeded to make a pitiful bottle.
(the setup was wrong, I let it get too long before I tried to pull the neck,
rushed, perhaps after sticking 7" pieces cane on both sides of the bubble.)
so after that, my previous attempts at entertainment were terribly taken wrong,
in my mind, anyhow -I'd much rather my fucking around
be a somewhat distanced from the seriousness of the production of my work,
at least in it's essence
and I believe that has to come with time,
I'm much better now, than I was, I know for sure...
but still not quite 'there', yet.
ok, anyways, I went to my other job after that, feeling some kind of incompetent
and had to learn a new function in the database.
that being said, i probably fucked that up, too.
(trying to avoid it by checking the work twice, slowing me down while doing nothing positive for my confidence)
it was somewhat of a crazy day that I tried to make up for when I went home and
turned off my phone, to guarantee an entire night's sleep uninterrupted until it's due end.
(that must have been yesterday)
so, today I rolled out of bed, practiced my hairstyling skills,
went to work for the census -which went fine, by the with very few f'ups
then went to shoot some pool with some co-workers
I felt fine about work, and hanging out with co-workers
(both of whom don't, or didn't, make as much as me
but did hold supervisor positions in the office
-just thougth i'd throw that in there as it occured to me)
but it seemed I wanted to prove myself on the pool table
so I kind of slipped into entertainer mode
but careful not to offend and just really trying to have fun
I may have come off as desperate, but whatever.
then I get home and my horoscope reads:
"You've got what it takes to regain control of your vehicle
and get back onto the right track. The work may be arduous,
but all you need to do is believe in yourself to get where you're going.
All the time and effort will not go to waste -- a big payoff is in store, and soon!"
which is accurate, yes
(-after playing pool today I actually did fill the tires on my bike and finally rode it after 2 years of it's storage in pieces)
but typically I would sit and wait for this 'payoff'
should I stay 'true to the course' right now,
or should I really work on what I've been telling myself I want?
the reality is I'll see how I feel tomorrow, and maybe I'll let you in on it then
or maybe I won't
either way you'll find out when my path reveals my decision
thanks for listening,
and Please have an afternoon beer for me. 4-30-2010(5pm)
since this is an official blog now
I'm updating this live from McCarren park
in greenpoint/williamsburg
I feel cool, but my butt is wet from sitting in the grass
anyways I'm waiting to get a new water pump into my car
half way home on the G and switching to the M
I get the call that my car will be ready at 5 pm>
I'm psyched, I thought I wouldn't have a car until tomorrow
heaven forbid. 4-29-2010(12:29am)
back again from work.
so right now I'm upgrading to Windows 2000
from Windows 97...
I in fact don't know if that's such a great idea
Windows 97 was a program which did just fine,
minimal integration into my system,
minimal disk space.
my first lesson was as Windows 97 allows you to save and open files
with the character "-" in the file name.
Windows 2000 does not...
(this may have actually interfered with some resume submissions - as
I assume the following iterations of Windows probably didn't revert back to
Windows 97 protocols...)
hmm...
and of course I'm not editing this in my new upgraded program,
I'm still using Notepad.
well I just found it on ebay someone is trying to sell the 4 disk version I have for $114
and another person has it bid up to $12.51 with 2 days left
I'm probably going to sell it. no use in me keeping this around
I could get a new DS game for that price, so we'll see.
ok, tonight in my sleep, I'll be transformed
from a Census Worker to a Studio Technician
and I probably won't even know the when it happens.
I should go shopping.
ha ha ha on you,Gordon Brown, silly brit.
bad politician, watch your tongue! 4-27-2k10(12:01am)
of course, back again with from my census job
getting paid this much an hour I can NOT complain
at this point, I guess I can't complain about anything
definitely not complain about work.
I have to work at 8am tomorrow.
this cannot be an emotionally charged entry
not tonight, I'm too tired for that
remaining detached would just be best
for everyone especially for this job.
I realize again about teaching, or crew-leading
that uncertainty is a weakness that shouldn't be shown.
you aren't doing them a favor by allowing them to question your
authority or expertise.
it's not about encouraging them to think for themselves
that comes later, only after training in basics and essentials
is complete.
I find life is so much easier from the peanut gallery
and I Must stop being so comfortable there 4-26-2010(12;38am)
eh, whatever
I did do what I could do at the census
it's really a shame
now I'm thinking what's wrong with me
and what did I do to fuck up tonight?
I didn't really do anything questionable
really.
nothing
but it's true
if your subordinates become insubordinate
it's much harder to get anything done.
ya ya ya - ya ya
it is what it is, I'll help count people
pay me, and I'll help count people
and I will try to do it well...
that's all
fuck the good fight, just gimme money! 4-25-2010 (12:12am)
hi, just got home from my census job.
I guess the shit will hit the fan on monday when we train some 2,500 people to become enumerators.
I'm detached because I know that though it will be hard work,
I'm not in charge.
and the only reason this census thing can work at all is because there are plenty of people
working at it.
not much really going on in my brain,
except for when there was a girl in the office
expaining how her post surgery painkillers were a derivative of heroin,
I knew what she meant.
and I'm actually really lucky I didn't pursue
such a pastime in my life.
so yes,
please keep fighting the good fight,
even if it means you aren't in constant ecstacy
for every moment along the way. 4-21-2010
it's getting late
even though I was thinking of what to write
today in this blog, and I've ultimately come up with nothing.
I had thoughts of being in positions of authority
one strange thing: this morning when I was listening to pandora
I tried to recall the name of the band "The Strokes"
and I couldn't until I was finally out the door.
I left chanting to myself "remember the strokes, and add it to pandora"
then later today I found out that one of my co-worker friends
actually had a stroke and was in the hospital.
and that's how I ended my day,
visiting Chris in the hospital until they kicked pam and I out
well no, this is how I ended my day
exactly like this. 4:20.2:36
I will not stay up 2 hours to celebrate 4:20
not tonight, celebrated my first online 4:20
in the age being anyonymous online anymore is strange when you can put a name to a face and everything. that's weird
I still didn't ask what type of people girls talk to. so so random.
weird shit does happen on the chatroulette thing.
huh I feel like I'm typing onto an old typewriter, no spell checker.
no automatic indentations. no frills, I do have links, and perhaps images.
so easy to get distracted sometimes.
monday 4-19-2010(11:44pm) ridgewood
I'm lucky to be here,
and so are you!
I just kissed aneta, she's lying next to me,
sleeping, please don't forget...
hey, once again I'm self-loathing.
asking myself questions like:
have I actually accomplished anything at all?
have I worked hard toward anything at all?
I wonder if these thoughts are worth logging in this journal
if reading this later will inspire me to do anything besides fall further
I recently heard someone say "Talk is cheap."
it's the cheapest, and I love it for that.
for more reasons than the obvious carefree annotation of my life's failure.
I enjoy writing, almost as much as cooking.
cooking seems more primal.
I know that if I don't cook something,
I'll continue to suffer in hunger,
and if I'm not successful,
I'll have no choice but to eat whatever I've made for at least the next 2 days.
in the novel that is my life,
will I be a character deserved to continue?
or would I rather end up in several publisher's trashcans?
my hope and kindness is becoming ridiculous, or is it?
I still believe,
so for what it's worth,
may your days be filled with awareness,
and may you never let reality change your mind. 2-19-2010(8:05am)
hi, so the other day I started a job with the 2010 census
I'm kind of having a dilemma about working a job that
has nothing to do with what I'd like to be doing
butd, in reality I finally got what I wanted
a job that pays and is flexible.
I should comment on past census workers I met,
people who took the test, and felons
but I can't right now,
I have to go and teach glassblowing to some nyu students
(thank god for that)
1-28-2010(11:48am)back in the QNS
hi, well looks like I left 2009 on a crappy note for you
sorry 'bout that
happy new year, anyways
just feeling pressure to get off my ass and do stuff
so thank god that now I'm busier than ever.
trying to make ends meet, taking all sorts of jobby jobs
finishing all sorts of jobby jobs
you know, the works.
so last night I spent 2 hours watching "Will it Blend"
a youtube series of some guy putting things into his contractor grade blender
my favorites were the glow sticks, the Digital SLR, and the bic lighters.
2 hours of my life I'll never get back.
never realized I was so into blending stuff.
it's all connected, man 12-26-2009(3:18am)john elwood drive
maybe I am a b*ckstabbing,
unambitious, lazy, know-it-all
short tempered loser.
I can speak more honestly than you,
and I'm not sure if I trust you.
do I really have to edit this journal
so all these adjectives don't seem so apparent?
I don't trust anyone, never did
if this is an entry of flaws I should mention that,
and the fact that I only hold one degree and I don't
travel across the globe like all the other people in the family
I'm compared to.
excuse me for being so.
whatever 12-22-2009(5:43pm) ridgewood, queens
this is it, today is the last day of me being 32.
another year has gone by,
with, what I fear to be very little to show for it
maybe I should chronicle my days on my body in tattoos.
(it's been at least 2 years since I've gotten a new tattoo, I'm probably due)
but again what does that lead to?
for instance I'm trying to write something now that will remind me
of how I'm doing today.
I got a kick ass new bag but in black.
ok, now I'm kinda irked by a phone call I got
the new(er) receptionist, kinda a scary girl
ok, nevermind. 12-20-2009(12:59pm)
hello, last night we got about 6 inches of snow
enough to linger until my birthday and maybe christmas
and the sun was out this morning.
it's still white
but in a few hours it will turn grey, then black
so we're still in the final precious few hours
of the snow's pleasant "sweet spot"
before the city claims it as it's own nasty frozen sludge
two days ago Thaddeus and I spent the day
at the corner of Green and Prince streets, in soho
trying to sell glass
in 11 hours on the coldest day of the year I sold 2 christmas ornaments and made $40
not worth it
oh well those ornaments weren't meant to be sold,
not that day at least
Thaddeus sold a piece and made $100
ok, that's all, stay warm, dry, and sunny 12-14-2009(11:56pm)
ok, here it is
this is what I'm thinking
"us and them"
with what I'm doing,
with what we're doing.
The honeymoon is over.
Is what I'm hearing now
actually just the truth,
the truth that we both knew all along?
We could be bigger than all of them.
We could conquer all of it.
We showed them, we did.
But the truth is,
we aren't bigger,
and we can't conquer,
and in the end
what we did show them
was that they were right.
and had my "they're all going to laugh at you" head on
we'll see
11-1-2009(11:50)
hi, today is the day after halloween
we didn't go out last night,
we actually spent the night with Rafal and Agnieska
complaining about the film crew that was using our home
until 8 o'clock.
this was the same crew who had thought it was a good idea
to set our fridge to the "off" setting
as to not blow any fuses in our apartment.
this same genius was aparently too busy being so damn clever
that he forgot to turn the stupid machine on before he left.
mind you we only lost 2 cups of yogurt,
3 or 4 pieces of chicken,
half a gallon of milk, and some leftovers
BUT I insist it's still Bull Shit.
so at 9 they were finally gone,
and the house was trashed.
this was not a professional crew,
but a crew of students, filming a student film
at one time, the creator of this film was a 'friend' of Aneta's.
This is exactly how bridges get burnt.
so the moral of the story is:
-don't let anyone film in your house unless you are getting paid BIGTIME
-sign a contract saying that "the crew won't fuck up my house and leave it trashed, and the crew will film from this time to this time and there are no exceptions"
verbal agreements and approximations will not do, get it in writing
I'm still not so happy about it.
ok happy belated halloween
boo
10-27-2009(9:10am)
hello, good morning
I'm not so thrilled about the rain today
it seems when there's nothing to worry about,
besides feeling blah, I welcome the rain.
but today, I've got worries
and I don't need this rain.
but the forcast says it'll be here today and tomorrow.
perhaps that's God telling
look, the weather is crapy enough
so stop worrying, it's not worth it.
till next time, hope it's sunny where you are.
10-24-2009(9:36am)
good morning,
after driving 12 hours
(from ridgewood to long island city to greenpoint to philadelphia to the philadelphia airport to centerville, ohio)
with the promise of filling the rental car with goods from
every possible thrift store within an hour's drive,
my co-conspirator/thrifing entheusiast cousin has fallen ill. : (
apparently vomiting and fever are 2 things that can keep us away from the post 12 hour drive thrifing fiasco
I'm going to call and ask permission to go by my self,
but acting, of course in her name, and representing both of us
in our used-to-overpaying-for-thrifted-junk ways
we'll see how it goes.
10-19-2009(6:05pm)
hello,
a minute ago while I was cleaning up after preparing some stuffed peppers
(ground beef, uncased hot italian sausage, green onion, fresh curly parsley, garlic, salt, pepper, a little hot sauce and some of sierra nevada's 'anniversary ale' a hoppy brown ale, then covered with stewed tomoatoes, stuffed into a green pepper and a long red sweet pepper)
I was thinking of how I could really use a cigarette.
but since Aneta has been fighting an infection and hasn't smoked in 6 days,
now, I realized, may be a good time to quit.
these were actually my thoughts, as I was hurried along in my cleaning
by knowing the sooner I get finished, the sooner I can have that smoke.
then I said "maybe I can blog about this"
so here I am (without a cigarette)
I'm blogging about making a decision to try to quit smoking
by diverting the urge to smoke by doing something else
(I may even run out of things to do)
so instead of smoking after this blog
I'm going to check my village on travian.com
but that's something I can do with a cigarette in hand...
we will see how well it works...
ok, until next time,
fight the cancer until you can't anymore!
10-17-2009 (3:55pm) ridgewood, ny
ok hi, so here it is
the new and improved journal
borne in secrecy, although the clues to it's whereabouts still remain
I don't think anyone is reading...
I'll link to it eventually,
in some, perhaps not so clever way
I must spend time on it, I know.
so Aneta had a root canal, 4 of them on one tooth
two days ago, then again yesterday...
I'm playing male nurse all day today,
and I actually enjoy it.
my client emailed me and I have to put the project on hold until next week
I can probably guess he'll take my samples,
which I made for a loss
(no, not even free... $300 -200 for the studio rental, -80 for the help, and 29 for the color)
so yes, this is a life/business lesson in how not to do it.
so now I wait, Monday is the day that I'm supposed to find out one way or another,
but I've decided it has to be on my terms,
I cannot suspend my other sources of income for this guy, who I've never actually met
who sent me $300 for samples that cost me $310,
who refuses to open a dialogue with me about what's really on his mind
it's frustrating, and there is still an opportunity for him to make good.
and if that's the case, then this is all on the hush hush.
but anyway. that's what's on my mind.
and I don't think I can be at fault for that
so, essentially I must say
don't start plans, reservations, or materials until you have money in your pocket
and that's that.
10-14-2009 (11:08am)
well, geocities is closing,
which may be good for me.
perhaps, I can enjoy the uncensored anonymity that I knew before.
before my mother quoted one of my more vulgar entries.
Goodbye geocities hello freedom,
my next entry will be at alexisdeleon.com/past.html
So upon it's long awaited return,
we'll mark today as the day we've entered into a new era of ethereal and unbridled commentary...
welcome
---
there are several things on my mind.
right now it's the project that I'm "working" on right now.
so to make it happen I had to clear out my schedule
which means no other work, besides this project.
maybe I'm naive in trusting this client.
is this another hard learned life lesson in the making?
I really hope it goes as planned eh, well I hope it happens at all.
-
I've also been contemplating the shepherd's pie.
looking at recipies, I find the basic ingredients like
beef, lamb, potatoes, onions, carrots, garlic, cheese, Worcestershire sauce...
but reading further I find things like balsamic vinegar, tomatoes, spaghetti noodles, sour cream.
it all sounds delicious.
mine today will be with some bell pepper, some of Blair's hot sauce, string beans, garlic, an onion, peas, carrots, corn, beef and sausage, cheese, japanese bread crumbs, and one tomoato.
it should be fine. (I'll eat it either way, of course)
-
finally, I was thinking about the phenomenon
of not being able to be left alone in a room with a girl
without us hooking up,
that mild adrenaline rush that, if not controlled,
can fuel a semi-hardon for what feels like hours.
I haven't experienced this in a while,
perhaps 10 years?
maybe because I'm an adult now,
and I'm now above wanting to just fuck a girl like an animal.
Either that or now my face is just too pitted, my eyes too crossed, my hair too coarse, and attitude too broken...
I'll accept the first excuse, I'm no animal, are you one?
8-7-2009(10:41pm) ridgewood, queens
so, I'm certain that I need to find out what it means for me to be an "artist"
and what I'm compelled to make.
I've been neglecting my itch to 'tinker' and make stuff.
I've been slacking so hard.
to rediculous extents.
my job is to make, to explore material and form,
to create.
I want to produce objects or volumes that require no explanation
objects that simply exist in all of thier beauty and ugliness.
must I really have something to say?
must I really have something to say?
I haven't realistically adhered to the timeline, i'm thirty two.
I really should have been annihilating the mediocrity by now.
instead of attending thier events.
instead of being scared to join thier ranks.
I must schedule studio time.
that is a must.
I need to take it up a few notches, making stuff constantly.
playing with all the shit I have as 'materials'
I'm scared of failing
but what does failure mean?
failing to carry on the family name?
failing to provide for myself?
failing to try?
I think that's it...
ok, please read this well, and over and over again.
I hope I'm not done dreaming.
7-3-2009(10:50pm)
well, life goes on
October 26, 2009 is the day it ends
Geocities will be no longer.
(I'm thinking, "should I link to geocities now, just so it can be added to the
collection of bunk links on these pages?")
(thank god for the annotated grateful dead page, and RIP leslie harpold of hoopla.com)
I transferred all my files on this server to my hard drive
and I'm seeing nothing is sacred, especially when you involve time.
websites are only as permanent
as the guy (or girl) slaving over it,
for days, months, or even years.
until, for some reason they are unable to redirect people
to the work that was done.
in doing so, I found an old excluded entry about my ex, Marcy,
just questioning our relationship, and I ultimately was right,
and now not only is it unquestioned, it's gone
I used to censor these, just in case someone would read it
but over the years,
I have seen there are substantially more people not reading this
than there are people reading it (hi mom!).
so it's a disservice to myself to hold back,
or describe a situation by abstractly referring to the mundane,
(thinking I'll know what the hell I'm talking about later)
because I will forget,
and that means no one will remember.
I'm feeling nostalgic, and worthless in the grand scheme of things.
I've always had an appreciation for the past,
the idea of capturing moments that can never happen again
and today I'm realizing that everything comes to a close.
...and, of course, that the only constant is change
not even geocities,
the one time mecca of free website hosting is immune.
I remember the 'archived web' project,
where all the old websites would somehow be preserved
that's a good one, I thought. "physically impossible" is the reality.
I knew it was a bust when I heard of it,
but looking through this site, the many variations, and it's links (-and remembering what they were supposed to be),
I wish it could be true
I also know that life goes on (for me much slower these days it seems)
things change, I change, and the past is the past.
it's never lost if you remember it (or record it?)
and it's only forgotten if you let it
so goodnight, and happy 4th of july!
5-22-2009 (10:20am)
I'm in poznan, poland
this place seems a bit more sophisticated
than your average town,
apparently it has 10 universities
which keeps it young, and dignified in potential
I think I'm the only brown person in town,
light brown, included.
it's nice here, a bit humid yesterday when we arrived
and humid in brussels, where my overlay was
the airport there is a mess,
and the security checkers
were assholes for taking my $50 bottle of Glenlivet.
FYI if you are traveling to an EU country
the booze you buy at the duty free
has to be in a 'sealed' bag or
it "may be confiscated by security"
and if it's a $50(usd at the fucking duty free!) bottle of
15 year old whiskey
you can bet your sweet-foreign-ass it will be confiscated
so, that being said
I'm off to see poland,
keep it real and be good, I'll do the same
5-20-2009 (11:06am)
ok, going to poland today.
I actually can't wait to have a 7 hour uninterrupted
Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars playing session
but we'll see, I'll take some pictures, plenty I hope
I got a 4 gig sd card for $19 and figured it was a deal
and I found out geocities is closing...
so by the summer's end I'll move this site, hopefully some
will follow...
(speaking of which, I wonder if all my established meta tabs
will transfer?
we'll find out, y'all.
and please look up, I'll be waving down
from across the atlantic
cheers!
5-5-2009(12:27pm)
sunday may third two thousand and nine, twelve fifty five
pm.
sat, april 25, 2009
saturday april 18, 2k9 11:13am
Friday, April 17, 2009(6:39pm)
Happy Easter Sunday April 12, 2009 (1:43pm) ridgewood, queens
tuesday 4-7-09(1210am)
Saturday, april 4, 2009(11:04am)
11:04am 3-30-2009
12-23-2008(11:33pm)
11-21-2008(5:01am)
11-13-2008(6:16pm)
11-12-2008 (10:58pm)
7-28-2008(1:15pm)
for all you non-limerickers out there not staying current,
12-31-2007(4:46am)
12-23-2007(12:50am)
6-28-2007(1:47am)
6-10-2007(5:43am)
5-5-2007(3:58am)
4-10-2007(1:28am)
4-4-2007 (12:17am)
Leslie was a phenomenal web designer from michigan
4-3-2007
1-4-2007
12-21-2006(7:14pm)east williamsburg, soon to be ohio
November 1, 2006(9:58pm)
October 30, 2006
and actually the pics are on the web at:
monday, september 25th, 2006(1:07am)
saturday september 16, 2006(12:02am)
8-27-06 (7:52pm)
8-2-06(2.48am)
6/28/06(11:36pm)
4/30/2006(12:49am)
4-5-06(1231am)
3-31-06(7:18pm)
3-8-2006(6:39am)
3-5-2006(11:30)
3-5-2006(5:47pm)
3-5-06(213am)
things on my mind(which include but are not limited to):
coming to nyc to find myself?
things to do- (pay rent, raise that wall, make a toothbrush holder, plan shit,
art is the only way to express my witness(can I use that word there?) and rage
I like my job because on any given day there may or may not be someone who knows what the hell is going on there...
and finally how am I going to take full advantage of my current situation?
thanks for listening
2-27-06(8:18pm)
1-17-2006(1:38pm)
12/24/2005(2:09am)
12/13/05(1:47am), ridgewood, queens
11-30-05(11:45pm), above rosario's, brooklyn, ny
11/11/05(1:40am)
oct 3, 2005(1:17am)
monday september 26, 2005(12:19 am)
July 26, 2005(3:35am)
July 25, 2005(1:42am)
July 20, 2005 (3:56am)
june 27, 2005 (8:17am)
june 26, 2005 (12:22am)
june 10, 2005 (2:07am)
June 8, 2005(7:50am)
june 7, 2005 (10:31am)
may 28, 2005(9:13pm)dlb studios
may 11, 2005(8.01pm)
april 10, 2005(2:37am)
april 6, 2005(2.50am)
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
(this is from an email I sent)
...I have a weird thing about the safety and detachment associated with computer interactions with people,
for example, I could watch the security cameras here at work all day...
like today I was eating a sandwich watching the security camera tv,
is this normal?
anyways... one phone call, and the safety of all of the keyboards,
this is true to me though,
I mean I live where I live, and I ultimately decide how much I invest in hating,
ok, well I think my revisions have damaged my original note, but if you're
goodnight
2-19-2005(5:11pm)
2-18-2005(3:41am)
1-11-2005(10:01am)
1-6-2005(5.36pm)
1-5-2005(10:05am)
1-3-2005(11:56 pm)
January 2, 2005(12:03am)
12-28-2004(9:19am)
12-28-2004(3:25am)
12-27-2004
12-25-2004
12-2-2004(11.29pm)
9-19-2004(10:06pm)
9-12-2004(10:51am)
8-14-2004(2.40m)
8-12-2004(3:12am)
7-28-2004(4:10am)
7-18-2004(3:55am)
7/4/2004(3:23am)
6-25-2004(1136pm)
6-22-2004(2:51am)
6-20-2004(3:07pm)
6-8-2004(3.12pm)
6-6-2004(1:41am)
6-2-2004(12.11am)
5-23-2004(11:28am)
5-17-2004(10:22pm)
5-14-2004(2:59am)
5-11-2004(8:43pm)
5-9-2004(4:36am)
5-3-2004(12:11am)
4-10-2004(10:30am)
3-23-2004(10:59pm)ssac
3-20-2004(12:15am)
3-16-2004(3:06am)
3-13-2004(3:58am)ssac
3-12-2004(12:23am)ssac
3-10-2004(7:07pm)ssac
3-9-2004(3:53am)
3-5-2004(8:12pm)
2-26-2004(1.03am)
2-25-2004(6:11pm)
2-20-2004(5:54pm)
1-24-2004(4:18am)
1-16-2004(9:05am)
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11-20-2003(9:33am)
11-18-2003(11:10pm)
11-10-2003(8:57am)
11-8-03(10:15am)
11.1.03.426am
10-21-03(12:27)
9-30-2003(10:50pm)
9-27-2003(10:02am)
9-23-2003
8-27-2003(1:10am)
8-25-2003(10:10pm)
8-24-2003(11.15am)
8-24-2003(12:47am)
8-22-2003(6:18 am)
8-20-2003(11:26pm)
8-13-2003(11.16pm)
8-6-2003(1:10am)
8-5-2003(12.05am)
7-26-2003(408am)
7-22-2003(1:20am)
7-15-2003(1:46am)
july sixth, two thousand three(four minutes after one AM)
june 21, 2003(12:15pm)
June 6, 2003(10:50pm)
June 4, 2003(1:38am)
May 17, 2003(2:30am)
may 8, 2003(11:05am)
april 23, 2003(2:07pm)
march 19, 2003(10:01am)
march 17, 2003(12.22am)
3-3-2003(2:15pm)
3-3-2003(12:54am)
3-1-2003(2.26am)
2-26-2003(9:25pm)
2-17-2003(11:17pm)
2-17-2003(2:08am)
2-11-2003(10:54pm)
2-11-2003(1:16pm)
2-10-2003(2:01pm)
2-10-2003(1:28am)
february 7 2003(12:49pm)
2-3-2002(8:55pm)
1-26-2003(637pm)
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10-16-2002(12:02am)
10-12-2002(2:30am)
10-11-2002(8:21am)
10-4-2002(3:42pm)
10-2-2002, (1:33pm)
10-1-2002,Tuesday! (10:42am)
9-29-2002(835pm)
9-27-2002(1:28pm)
9-24-2002(4:37pm)
9-17-2002(255pm)
9-17-2002(11:22 am)
A moment of silence for 9-11-2001
9-10-2002(1:31pm)lfcgay
9-9-2002(425pm)
9-7-2002(1:oopm)
9-6-2002(1:44pm)
9-5-2002(4:18pm)
9-2-2002(11:28pm)
8-29-2002(12:11am)
8-27-2002(4:43pm)
8-22-2002(9:57pm)
8-21-2002(2:33pm)
8-12-2002(11:32pm)
8-9-2002(12:47pm)lfcgay
8-4-2002(8:04pm)LFD
8-2-2002(10:01am)LF CGAY
7-29-2002(10:24am)LFCGAY
7-27-2002(3:15pm)
remember, you can only fuck yourself?#060;br>
7-26-2002(11:21am)LFCGAY[LIVE FROM THE CARTOON RESEARCH LIBRARY]
2-26-2002(9pm)
February 25, 2002(1:46am)
2-19-2002(5:24pm)
2-7-2002(142am)
1-31-2002(9:19am)
1-30-2002
1-27-2002(543pm)
1-25-2002(1:55am)
1-11-2002(1:57pm)
1-10-2002(12:08am)
1-6-2002<10:07pm>
1-1-2002 (10.:28pm)
12-27-2001(4:53am)
12/23/2001(2:50am)
12-21-2001(11am)
10-30-2001(3:?? pm)
10-24-2001(3:14am)
10-9-2001(5:14pm)
9-22-2001(10:48pm)
9-22-2001(331am)
9-19-2001(9.05pm)
9-11-2001(belated)
9-9-2001(542pm)
8-27-2001(12:54am)
8-23-2001(1,14 am)
7-29-2001(9.12pm)
7-9-2001(8.51pm)
I used to keep a more accurate journal
7-6-1(12:20pm)
7-1-1(10.37pm)
6-29-2001(10.26pm)
6-27-1(11.36pm)
6-10-2001(1o:3opm)
5-28-o1 (1223am)
5*26*1 dawn
5-12-201-312am
5-7-1(114am)
4-29-01 11.09pm
3-22-2001 10:13pm
2181340am
2-6-1
1-2-01
10-30-2k(11:52pm)
9-13-2000(1:41am)
9-8?-2000(2:29am)
5-16-2000(12:25am)
2-13-2000(5:20pm)
2-12-2000(6:40pm)
2-5-2(quarter till 2am)
1-22-2000(12:25pm)
1-13-2000(5:45pm)
1-8-2000(4:37pm)
1-6-2000(1:48pm)
1-2-2000(9:35pm)
12-28-1999(10:54am)
12-27-1999(7:36pm)
12-26-1999(5:10pm) 12-23-1999(8:28pm)
12-22-1999(7:49pm)
12-2-1999(9:19am)
Tuesday 11-16-1999(8:27pm)
10-16-1999(11:10am...one more minute, but I didn't try)
9-1-1999(5:58pm)
8-21-1999(9:56pm)
7-10-1999(10:20pm) 7-3-1999(9:03pm) 7-3-1999(11:21am)
monday morning, still dark
6-13-1999(2:08pm)
6-6-1999(10:04pm)
5-27-1999(12:12pm)
5-21-1999(11:25am)
happy cinco de mayo
well, today I have to figure out why my driver's licence
isn't registering in the computer's systems
yes, and I don't remember writing one of these journal entries
with a cigarette, today I had one.
little things,
today... will it happen,
probably not.(and it didn't)
ok, cheers!
hi I'm at urban glass again,
working, rather refining my janitorial skills
bringing mopping to a science
and elevating sweeping to a religion
that isn't entirely true,
I've been putting off getting to the inevitable duty
of sweeping behind and underneath the ovens,
which managed to reach the list of things for me to do.
along with reloading a grease gun,
neither of which I'm excited about.
I wrote my friend Rachel yesterday
real mail, of course.
I was talking about our guinea pig, Morgan.
how I'm trying to keep life exciting for her by
introducing new types of lettuce every few weeks
we have a italian fruit stand which should keep her
interested for a while,
but I mentioned that I may soon have to travel to chinatown,
just to find the most exotic greens I can
to keep my GP Morgan from dispairing over a caged life
we'll see,
so until next time,
keep your cages clean and open!
ridgewood, queens
so I'm going to try to make art again
"art"
vessels, incorporating the random
unconventional, naturally beautiful, and unpredictable
nature of glass
I believe bringing projects to completion
is about confidence in the idea
it's the only thing that has driven me to actually
start this project
I really think this will turn out to be a nice puece
if it works, that is
wish me luck, I'll need it
spring is finally here, it was in the high 70's today
what did we do to deserve this?
cheers!
keep the faith, y'all
LFUG again,
2009 has been crazy so far
alot of new projects,
some are stuff I've done before, like glass gallery work
some are totally random new stuff, like moving a kiln
refinishing furniture?!
filipino glass?
gradschool, shiat biach
Live From Urban Glass(LFUG)
hello, while there is neither an unlimited
supply of alchohol
nor endless bandwidth here
I have arranged (through 43 things)
the ability to journal my shit
from anywhere I can get email.
initially that was the idea.
find the web, click, click, click
and instant real-time journalling.
but since geocites has become seemingly
more and more complicated for me to use
(probably beacuse all of my interfaces with
technology these days are extremely user friendly
-that is except here at urban of course,
where most of the computer controllers
have a 16 button keypad and malfunction
when plugged into a pc -ahem GB5)
but really, I can't wait until I can do this from my
cellphone
touching the screen with ease,
with only me, as the end user, in mind.
bring it on, iphone we need you now more than ever.
hi, it's a gorgeous Sunday afternoon,
but I am committed to not leaving the house at all
It seems lots of people are moving into Bushwick,
the neighborhood I just left.
and I'm still accepting the fact
that I shouldn't give so much importance to which neighborhood or borough I live in
it's absolutely flakey
but what am I, but an overgrown flake?
and just because it commands importance to other people
doesn't mean it has to mean that much to me.
(and again saying it and believing it are 2 different things)
enjoy the spring!
woah, I'm tired
some days I feel really stupid,
I think I need to take things slower
once I have my mind set on something
I find it hard to think clearly about other things
(what?)
I should slow down.
really, be more deliberate,
and Careful
that's the word,
being careful isn't slower, it's better.
hi, yesterday was the glassblower's ball
and a 'vintage' chihuly piece from 1979
failed to sell at auction starting at $14,000
(the appraised price was $28k)
I heard the news while we were packing
and announced it to the ug crew
and everyone was gave me a look of suprise
and disappointment
like chihuly
is our poisonous gas monitoring caged bird,
if chihuly
doesn't sell, what will?
but I believe there will always be a niche for
vessels, art, and lighting
and there will always be a glassblower to make them
maybe it's me, maybe it isn't.
(I'm wrestling with the idea of upgrading to the new DSi
we'll find out what I choose to do)
ok, until next time,
please, be kind.
(happy new year!) wow, whatever audience I may have had, I must have lost by now,
I shouldn't flatter myself like that
my daily blog entry, (now sent to my email!)
I wonder if this will catch on...
we'll see
blabber blabber blabber that's what my site has been.
is this supposed to be a website?, a journal?, what is it?
how personal should this get?
it was once talk radio sent into the airwaves to nobody
but now what is it?
the web is a good tool for social networking
but the idea of this actually being read by anyone scares me
that's why it's neglected.
so today it's sunny and a little chilly
I'll try to reformat this into a 'blog'
so today's subject is religion
yup.
ok, see you next time!
thanks for tuning in.
ok, my birthday
so I've decided to do a food log,
when I have nothing to say
I could call it my foo-blog
I'll talk about the meals I ate that day
should I write in rhyme?
or will I have to time
to post pics of my curds and whey!
this morning:scrambled eggs, sausage, oj, tomatoes, bread, and cheese,
lunch was a gyro with everything but pickles and beets
dinner was general tso's chicken the combo with a couple of beers and weed.
walking home the almost quarter-almost crescent moon
hung at half past seven o'clock
and I realized what an amazing world I've been too busy to see
...and a fun time at the bar had by all
completely new friends
I think I got applause at the end of the night... unreal
what is that?
at any rate I don't have to wake up until 2 tomorrow
so judge me, then piss off
you don't know me
hi, I just talked to Aneta on the phone
and she will talk to me in a week,
or maybe she won't.
she's strong,
and she's not waiting for me
I'm relieved she will still talk to me
I was worried she'd never contact me again.
ok, hello
friday I decided to break up with Aneta
after 10 months of having her with me, now there is nothing,
I know it hurts
she told me only to contact her if I want to make it work
but what does that mean?
does that mean that only contact her if I believe she is the one?
the one woman I will spend the rest of my life with?
I'm not ready for that
I was also told to be honest and tell her immediately if I had doubts, and not to waste her time.
so that's what I did.
now look where I'm at.
this afternoon I was confident in my decision to break it off.
and to call her in a few months,
but I know she's hurt, and it hurts me.
I care about her, why am I doing this to her?
am I trying to tell her that even if it's not going to last forever,
we can still enjoy eachother right now?
or am I trying to tell her that.
I'm afraid I'll never talk to her again, and not because I won't try
but, because she wouldn't want it.
this may be the last entry in 2008 hopefully not.
cheers, folks
and remember
everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is that I'm a big loser,
and don't have my life together...
good afternoon
I've been away,
I'm updating my website today
things are never normal,
my decisions are never formal
am I one
or are we two?
go ask her,
she'll tell you what to do.
I've been seeing Aneta since about 12-31-2007
what can I tell you?
I was told I need to formulate my own opinions yesterday,
but I don't believe her.
we'll see!
ok, good morning
yesterday I rode in my first bike race
called the Alley Kitten III
it was awesome, I came in closer to last than first
but it was great
I'll recall the manifest before I forget
(that link has the locations but not the route I took)
we started at broome and christie,
my first checkpoint at Christopher and the West Side Highway (where we had to run a lap around the circle)
then to 54th and the West Side Highway (where we had to write our new years resolutions)
then crosstown to 56th and York (where we had to drink some Jim Beam)
then to 26th and 5th Avenue
and then to 9th and Avenue A(where we had to strike a pose)
the finish line was at Continuum bike shop betwween 12th and 13th on Ave B
it was pretty amazing,
a damn good excuse to strap on my helmet,
and go as fast as I can through the city
on my POS bike, which weighed a TON!
I'm thinking of upgrading for the next one,
oh yes, there will be a next one.
cheers!
ok, so it's been requested of me
to save the cheerleading and inspirational "propaganda"
for my own head or my paper journal
and to put an honest record of my life on this page
and so what's new since June?
I've quit a day job, started 2 night jobs, avoided a christmas job, had 3 new ohioans move into my neighborhood, I've taken better care of my truck (but still haven't named her), I've been put into jail (for 41 hours waiting for a judge to look at my case and send me home without paying anything), I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be, I've won a gameboy ds (but haven't gotten it yet), I've gotten a new pair of blue adidas slippers (that should last at least a couple of years), I've cleansed, dieted, and binged, I've been sprayed for bedbugs, I've washed my comforter, I've lost touch with some people, and made new friends, I've started making glass again, and that's all.
see that's why I don't write about real life,
it's BO-RING
wouldn't you rather hear, something like
"hey bud, don't give up -the sun'll come up tomorrow, 'betcha bottom dollar"
oh, and in about 4 hours I'll have lived 31 years...
with nothing really to show for it...
boring, pathetic, and sad.
ok,
selfish masturbator
narcissistic sonofabitch
self wallowing idiot
it's so about 'me'
now is the time to get taken advantage of
should I make list?
eh, whatever
I'm feeling desperate because of money
but I'm worrying, not in actual trouble yet
which is unsettling
more than I like
I'm also realizing that I used to live like this all the time
relying on a paycheck to come in on it's scheduled date
and it's fucked
especially now, especially with my spending habits
eh
we'll see
ok.
peace, and everything good under the sun.
hello,
once again I've successfully managed to "not get laid"
hanging out with pretty fucking cool people
there were plenty of girls,
nice ones like -----, ----, ---- , and ------
what a loser, to even write thier names.
I also found out that Mike from R&D tattooing
is dead, the guy who's art I see every day on my arm
is dead.
rest in peace, the world isn't nice to kind people.
anyways,
I'm also recording this
(my keyboard action at least...)
maybe I'll post it with a link...
maybe not.
peace!
a million and a half things going on in my head
1. Happy Cinco de
2. My "dream" job
3. The role I play in my friendships
forgettaboutit
my parents,
my friends,
my personality,
my looks,
my physique,
my clothes,
my attitude,
my posture,
my hair,
my skin,
my shoes,
my car,
my past,
my living situation,
my snobbery,
my pickyness,
my nose,
my karma,
my destiny,
my self-consciousness,
my future,
my aspirations,
my laziness,
my fears,
my desperation?
is that what's wrong with me?
or what I blame?
or are they the reasons?
or are they excuses for my condition?
worthless peace out.
1966-2006
who moved to san francisco and started alot of hoopla
I never met her in person, but we exchanged emails early when I was first starting my website
her personal site was Hoopla.com, which became Harpold.com
she was inspirational, encouraging, eloquent, and of the stylistically elite
I am honored to know that she has actually read this blog in it's beginnings
rest in peace, leslie
thank you
you are missed.
wow, I didn't realize I've put in an entry in 2007
and a sad one at that.
who knows anything anymore.
I think I'm just worried that
I'm destined to make the same mistakes I've made in the past
and be the same idiot I was in the past.
and my schedule and lifestyle doesn't allow me to have
the luxury of sanctuary in a private life.
but if you ask me, I'm full of excuses.
happy new year
today this is what I'm thinking
thinking of not trusting people
thinking of people I do trust
thinking of people thinking I'm worthless
thinking of my ability
thinking of my fucking court date
thinking of flossing my teeth
thinking of shit, man...
shit
oh, and I'm f$%&ing 30 now.
ok, well this was what I was thinking a couple of days ago
we should have hooked up
because it will never be like that again
I felt it, too
but it didn't last
seeing her boyfriend, of course, set her straight
she's not married,
what was phenomenal was her encouraging me to feel something
am I that sad,
am I that numb to affection
I wonder how long I've been like this?
this whole experience
fuck it, it takes too much of my life away from me
I just need to find a real job, that's what I should be worried about
ok, peace
I think my camera caught an apparition(sp?)
audio and a pic
I'll do anything to spook myself, geez
here's what I submitted to ghostvillage.com
(look at the pic and hear the audio, kinda freaks me out)
A day before Halloween we (5 humans and a dog, Novia) were on the rooftop of my building here in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY everything was normal enough, there were no interruptions in our night.
About midway into our stay on the roof, Novia the dog, started running back and forth on the rooftop, and we managed to snap a picture of her. Coincidentally enough the camera was set to record an accompaning sound byte. The image and the audio were very interesting.
In the picture there is an 'orb' that it seems Novia is chasing around. We also noticed that some of the pictures of the dog after this showed Novia's eyes burning with a bright golden light, while others, taken at a closer distance, did not.
The audio file was strange because it has much more noise than the other audio we recorded that night and almost a garbled voice comes through. It's quite interesting, especially the sound byte, I hear different things every time I listen to it, so please decide for yourself.
I looked back in my files of some of the other pictures I took and found another one, on the same rooftop of a glowing mass about the same color almost 'sitting' in one of the chairs up there.
I always try to be very respectful of the rooftop area there and I hope I wasn't disturbing this thing. I don't even know anything about this, but I hope you post my pictures and audio.
alexisdeleon.com/apparitions
but besides that, all's well
I start at american christmas tomorrow
I think I can survive, but I may just have to
keep telling myself, with every day that goes by
that it's just
"one more cold beer, another paid parking ticket, another..."
well, what now?
do I feel accomplished?
am I waiting for some closure?
no, it's a done deal for now,
my closure will come when I finally say
"how are you?"
just as we planned.
you know it's for the best
there was nothing good,
besides the feeling of accomplishment
and the trophy of being blessed into the normal world.
not a bad weekend,
eventful at the very least.
mental note:
whenever it's a bad thing the complications always
steal whatever immediate redemption (you think?) that's attached
(I have no idea what I'm talking about)
and hey, I'm starting to feel o.k.
blogs, fucking trips of course he's dead. stupid stupid who. oh well fucking shit. talented of course come on. so smart so fucking smart
click for the blogging fucking rage steaming from my ears, holy shit, hold it forget about it. you tell em ass, of course you are. there are things inbetween yous... me. rememeber? just like before!
really.
I'm sick.
This weekend I spent in my bed sleeping, sweating, and blowing my nose.
I'm feeling some urgency
as the number of weekends I have left in my twenties grows smaller.
I know for some that number 30 just passes,
like a "tuesday" or a "june"
So who am I to fight it?
29 will pass, without much resistance,
just as the past 10 years did.
(kicking and screaming, and not if I can help it, and no fucking way!)
the all-time loser in me has prevailed
just as I thought everything was going to be just right
I pulled behind the pulled over car, instead of in front of
and I tried to shut my glove box
now, I'm deep trouble
so much to do,(but first let's update the blog)
Janice, jesus what a...
I wasn't getting paid enough, first of all
now her chaos is spilling into my life
now, her chaos is overtaking my life
I guess it's back to making ends meet,
and not going to jail.
and becoming extremely wealthy.
see ya.
well, ny what the fuck is up?
I'm exhausted
and I haven't even gotten my feet wet,
yet.
peace,
and please, chill out on shit a little bit,
you aren't on fire.
hi
welcome
things came to mind tonight
I miss what I had, in columbus
(I was throwing-not shooting, or pitching... throwing or tossing darts)
and I thought to myself,
every lesson in (this?) life I've learned
tells me
that the conjugation of the word have
into the past tense
indicates just that
these are things that I do not have
these are things I had
and the past is the past
my pride does keep me from showing my face
I should be making millionS by now.
but, I'm not
am I just here to get away?
am I totally stagnant here, in hiding?
peace you sad, sad pieces of shit.
-listen to keith and the girl
alexis
ok I was listening to a weezer song angel pumping gas...
and it makes me kick myself for all the things I knew I should do
but don't for some reason or another
kid's stuff, really!
really
just crap I'm thinking lateley
cowardice and bashfulness
how lame is that?
ok, life is doing it again
beating me down, to a pulp in fact
I feel like shit, I'm broke, tired, and miserable
I look and feel like crap
eh, I need to sleep
hi, good morning,
I've never been this broke before in my life,
we will definitely have to see if my next paycheck,
my first full one(which is minus a few minutes for being late, even
is going to pay my bills, if not I'll continue to be apologetic and
lame.
but it's true, having NO money sucks.
bills, tolls, gas, and food.
I'm not allowed to make any mistakes that cost money...
drywall screws, and a cheap ass drill bit
crap on a stick again,
if it's sunny enjoy it, and if it's raining, I feel ya.
-a
trifecta!,
I don't think I've ever, hmm maybe once
but 3's a charm...
I'm back in my own head again...
plenty of human contact,
but I'm back into my small life with very few close friends
whom I hardly see.
this is a good time to regroup and re-evaluate... everything.
and what else is new is I have a project,
building my room and studio, I can't wait...
images soon to follow, if I can get my computer going
peacethrees -a
ok another journal entry for ya today!
this one is about where I am and what's happenning in my life...
ok I moved to williamburg, in brooklyn,
and I'm starting to think that this could be becoming another
'little too trendy 'little too late area
and I will finally have a workspace to make shit
that's important...
my old boss the gallery owner told me
"if you are an artist, and you don't make work", he said
"we don't like you"
pretty cryptic, huh?
so I must prove my worth
and where else to do it, than
willliamburg,
I raised a wall today and now I'm doing the prep work for
the bed loft which should be done by the end of the week,
then finally, after months and years of putting it off,
I will make something
peace and muenster cheese just a little bit burnt.
the original idea in this journal entry
was to write like it's the old days
and so just as in the past,
the web browser froze and forced me to shut it down,
thus, true to form, I'm re-writing this(some of it)...
(the idea is that no one is listening...)
it's a good place to find yourself, or to lose yourself...
make shit, send emails, call my discover card, call my mom and tell
her that the 'curse' was probably just a scheme to get me to go back to the
psychic, put up shelves, find a dresser, find a door and hang it,
build the bed loft for my room, do laundry, go to the grocery, and pay rent)
and it's always about the struggle
-that's why
(witness and rage, huh...
what have you seen, I've seen a pathetic little dork throwing a hissy fit)
and it's therapy(for about the same price)
and that's cool.
man what did I get myself into?
I'm back in brooklyn
wmbrg waddup?!
holy fucking shit
what a...
so I'm moving back to brooklyn
whaddupp?
Ok, finally a minute to welcome in the new year...
but first things first:
I like change,
but only if it's in the right direction, that is...
One thing I've noticed these past few years
is the mis-use of the phrase "on line"
I was appalled when today at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles,
(who, throughout time has refused to be outdone,
setting new standards for (and is therefore The Authority on)
waiting patiently for your turn)
...at this government institution of waiting,
I saw a sign requesting the state's dear patrons wait "ON LINE"
until the next teller becomes available.
I refused violently within.
I waited "in line" patiently like I had been taught,
not so many years ago.
Before the internet introduced the phrase "on-line"
people had been waiting in line for years, happily.
My 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Heusmann
(who, by the way, swore I'd be pumping gas at the local Shell station)
would have torn my ear right off.
I could just hear her say,
"You," with her refined, uptight southern draw,
"you don't wait ON LINE... you wait IN LINE!
Your poor immigrant grandmother waits on line,
and you aren't allowed."
Well, Mrs. Heusmann I agree with you on this one,
and I'm glad you said it and not me.
The gap between proper English and new terminology cannot be stretched this far,
it is just wrong.
So I'll continue to wait IN lines,
and ON phone lines,
and ON-line for downloads,
but I refuse to use the same terminology for all three.
make the madness stop.
"Please wait IN LINE for 2006"
well, yesterday(my 29th birthday) I...
booked a flight to hawaii
got a parking ticket
finally bought a queensized bed to sleep on
(instead of that piece of shit 'mattress')
sent out christmas cards
had a delicious omelette
did laundry
cleaned out my truck
finally saw the lame apple store
found sweet fingerpuppets(a turtle, a snail, and a rooster)
and a cool cigarette case(with an american flag for andrzej)
got an awesome hat
ordered the final component to my ipod's proper function
finally saw times square at night(although it looks like it's daytime there)
and went to a broadway show with a beautiful girl (12/23/2013: her name was Kamilah Sage and I should have kissed her, the show was "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" with John Lithgow)
yeah
the city's a nice place to dork around all day in
I gotta fill my schedule so I don't forget all the shit I gotta see
all those bridges I've burnt,
or have I?
no time for friends,
dime a dozen, are they?
what's wrong with me...
I have to: be better to my friends,
be better to myself
figure it out
take some time
do what I want to do
have confidence
be good
be bad
love
live
be respectful
be appropriate
not be a perv
be a perv
wake up
move
tie up my loose ends
listen
build it
use it
trust
take
give
play
win
earn it
stop apologizing
do it right
learn
cope
care
sing
fly
sleep
never compromise
lots of things, but first things first:
1921?-2005
talking today to my friend andrzej
and it'll be a while until I find out what it's like
to be alone in nyc
because right now I work a job where I see people, good people
everyday
and I make friends
and I'm not alone in new york
which is good, I think
maybe I should try to keep it like this
in fact I know I should
and, I'm watching Magnolia
(and I did object to never seeing people again)
and I'm thinking of all the friends that I've met
and have never seen again, I'm not a kid anymore
so no more of that, I have to spend the time
and pay the postage
that's not so much to ask
I got it
thanks for listening
really, what the hell is it all for?
my career might be in jeopardy because of some dumb asshole
but really this entry is about me leaving everything
this entry is about not keeping everything
this entry is about me being myself and believing in me
and being as true and sincere as I am
this is not about you, and will never be...
what is it? a smile, a good time? a fuck?
sure, it's sad
and I care, and have cared, but now
it's up to me, the city will be good for me
the city will be good for me...
I close my eyes and can't imagine how it will be, living in the city.
no more stupid guilty feelings, no more nothing.
just me,
wish me luck m*therduckers
-note-(4-21-2010) it really sounds like I left running
from things there in Columbus
but it really wasn't like that
I did leave some loose ends untied
but I don't think it's anything I can't fix or necessarily needs fixing
ok, well I'm moving out...
from the beloved dlb
(finally?)
it is time to simplify,
will this page be all I have(again)
to keep me sane?
there are things out there...
sam told me today, and I agree
there is a whole world out there
I must make a plan
for tomorrow
(not the next day, just tomorrow)
ok, that's it,
thanks,
yours, alexis
today I...
woke up gently
went to the bank to make me current
went to the grocery(ies),
for cold cuts and dinner
ran some errands, and burnt Enon's High Society
cooked a nice pasta dinner
pounded some pbr's
took a nap
did my dishes
found out about dragons and rats
saw something I've never seen anyone do before!
and bought a pack of smokes
it is, of course, all the same day.... one to forget
I can hardly take care of myself!
that's what's wrong,
so now I gotta fix it,
I'll need some time,
may I suggest you bail out now while you have fair warning.
geez
that's another thing,
putting myself down...
gotta cut that out
ok, you got it, cheers
0
oh yeah!
ok, my dreams:
a movie with ben stiller,
and the child actress in kill bill vol. 2
on the bus walking past a strange man being held custody,
but he has a knife stuck into my rump
a sash caught in the window, as it turns out... an autopsy,
the flashback, with a shadowy figure approaching,
the father was guilty,
ben stiller was innocent.
then, at a party, it's winding down,
and I end up making out with girl in yellow
and thinking she's taller than me,
back inside I check the sausage and there's only one left,
I find pink inside it,
and put it into the microwave,
careful not to add the silverware,
I place the silverware on a lid or something.
there is a girl there
somehow I meet this girl they call "black"
Ryan is there and so is Adam Boggs
the three are in the bed, not doing anything,
just joking around and playing
looking out the window,
there are nudists all over the yard,
there's a girl with bolognia nipples and saggy tube-boobs
and there's a pregnant looking dude with a penis
and she is touching my back while we look out the window
mixed with the clothed,
laughing and playing
I leave, and try to say goodbye to everyone,
some familiar looking girl on the way out
says "so Alexis....(something)"
as I leave some guy along the wall
says something about not getting or not wanting "help from anyone"
and I say "not from you"
and I'm released into the parkinglot, driveway
whaddup.
this is a bad day!
the thing at wheaton village was reportedly not being given to me,
I'm probably going to get fired(for a broken Fujita)
my place in brooklyn fell through,
I thought I was drugged
don't feel well
maybe I was somewhat prepared,
because all this is stuff I knew,
or at least suspected, may happen
but this is what I've been dreading,
when I should have been preparing for it
at this time tomorrow,
I may be looking for a job
or applying for unemployment
life is a mess
I thought I was going to be saved from all of this,
maybe it's bad karma for being bad
do I have to worry about vandals, or thieves, I'm worried.
ugh...
puke
ok, so plenty of things on my mind
like being a sack of crap
who gets lets himself get taken advantage of
who's reality is all a big act
who is never really sincere
who has nothing because he wants it that way
who is really bitter way way way down deep
I'm crushing my head,
who needs this bullshit?
ok,
I'm being pushed pulled and twisted in all sorts of directions,
my house is being disbanded in july(never seemed so strange)
my only reliable job is laying me off in september(unless I leave sooner),
and I'm waiting on Hank from Wheaton, Brian from Urban,
and Dynelle from Williamsburg(not necessarily in that order)
to tell me if I can have a place with them.
helplessly on the bubble,
constantly rethinking and revamping everything planned
is fucked, seems people string me along to annoy me,
that's probably it
give me a 'yes' or a 'no' please
part of me wants to make money, pay off debts,
and work toward stuff I want
what I want is grad school
which means building a resume
and portfolio
I want some other things too...
ok, what's on my mind?
I'm thinking goodbyes are good
don't always get them...
plus, I'm liking being in my own little head,
again.
a little more room to breathe,
relax a bit(not too much).
of course, I'm waiting for someone to save me from it,
but waiting, looking, and all that shi... has gotten me this far
...which is absolutely nowhere.
I hope it rains all day tomorrow and I don't see the sun at all
glum,
-alexis
sorry this is so neglected,
this used to be my true 'space',
no one ever read this, or even cared what little bullshit
happenned in my day
drifting out into my own little head
(like anyone reads this now)
so today I paid alot for about 1.6 lbs of steak
and I'm going to eat the hell out of all of it.
yeah, that's all
hey man, what's up, lamer?
apologize for the last entry,
that's just weird
anyways, yeah another day,
the weather was gorgeous today!
saw the sunrise today and it was awesome
very peaceful,
ok, enjoy
-alexis
life goes on, and I can't stop it...
I got a phonecall from this girl today,
she's beautiful,
anyways since I've known her, for the past, what 6-7 years
I've been just awkward and not so polished whenever I run into her.
she's such a sweetheart, and I'm always put in my place by her beauty.
that's what I do, I sit and watch her in awe, as she's telling me about her life
and what she's done since we last spoke,
I get frozen.
I don't know why I'm such a dork, I know what I am to her, I'm a project in the works.
maybe one of these days I'll get my shit together, and do some good, something
worth showing for.
but yeah, I'll go another 6 months, year, etc. without seeing her...
I hope it's not the same story again...
she's not a part of my life, she's a visitor.
I have lots of visitors in my life...
voyeur
there's some strange voyeuristic twang to the voice in my head,
always saying stuff like "they know you're watching"
(our cameras work are obviously displayed).
in our tiny closet.
And although I was less than two steps away from actual interaction,
I found myself just observing, developing a strange empathy and "Real World" sense of connection.
I could dissect thier appearance and mannnerisms as I pleased,
and if I wanted to I could pop out of the closet and say hi,
this is an immediate bonus, and I know I shouldn't be a glutton for such a
blessing.
(kinda like the movie "sliver"?... what a shitty movie to compare my life to)
computer screens, servers, and miles of inter-connectected data wires inbetween come
crashing down, the text becomes a voice, ...that's profound...
something about this qwerty voyeurism,
this electric anonyminity(sp?) that liberates me,
I know it's sad, but it is entertaining, if not fulfilling.
loving, hurting, worrying about, interacting with, and thinking
about or anything with anything.
reading this sorry there's not real point, but hey it's late...
3:27 AM
ok, here it is,
moment of truth, if you will
do i have the balls to do this,
or am i going to get swept away?
let's see how it unfolds...
(if I sit here and do nothing, nothing will happen)
I've been neglecting this journal,
making us much more intimate
it's because of myspace
the blog thing....
well, what's new
back again from nyc, it's all that
what's real? that's all
hello, good morning
today it's raining again,
just got an early start
and found the french press coffee maker I wanted
some 12 bucks, not bad
I'll get it later this week
ok, have a great day now.
love, prosperity, and good things...
thanks!
well today I woke up sick,
worked outside for longer than I would have liked,
got my truck towed, and
spent the last of my money on unpaid parking tickets.
was I complaining yesterday?
Thankyou god, for slapping me one.
good morning boys and girls,
yeah life, it sucks
but at least there's alot of stuff to do before it's over
I'm sorta thinking about what I actually 'have'...
somedays, I think all I have is you,
thanks for reading.
...on a lighter note,
I woke up early for some reason today
so I decided to make breakfast,
something easy like fried eggs and rice
so I readied the cooker,
(which included excavating the
previous dish one of my roomates had failed to make edible,
but hadn't yet begun growing spores)
...couldn't find the plug,
finally found it,
plugged it in, swearing all to hell
and started the cooker.
About 10 minutes ago, I checked on it
and found there was no rice in it, just boiling water.
that sucks, huh?
will alexis get his breakfast????
stay tuned...
hi, I spent the entire day being sick
waking up every 10 minutes covered in sweat
couldn't leave the house
I shouldn't worry about being short,
me, dudley moore, tom cruise, and michael j. fox
and that's supposed to cheer me up?
ok, later y'all
hello, good morning
Happy Fucking New Year!(some things change and others don't)
a few resolutions are:
to quit feeling sorry for myself
to quit knocking myself down
to stop my suffering when I can
to stop smoking
and to get what I want
easy enough, huh?
oh, and to not neglect my friends and people I care about(all of you)
yes, may 2005 be profitable and alive,
and with minimal amounts of jive.
I do deserve everything that's coming to me
alot of the stuff I do is crap!
now look,
there are other things and reasons
maybe I'll get what I want
maybe I'll get what I deserve
I could get nothing.
handling it is not the issue
the world is moving so very fast
what do I want?
money, love, complications?
grr
I'm an idiot,
I do need to be locked in my room for 4 days,
that's the only way!
...Buy Your Own Beer Satan, I Saw The Light...
your music lives, and your legend grows
1972?-2004
hello, these last few days have been a whirlwind of activity
filled with more emotional headway/damage/etc.
than the usual years of stupidity.
I'm dealing with things like honesty, morals, family, dependence, trust,
not so much tact and strategy...
I wonder if that is a coming of age thing,
where I pay attention to me, and my life
and try to weave it gently into other people's lives
rather than the opposite,
where I let other people's lives form and filter out my life for me.
I think that is a reasonable conclusion, enjoy!
ok, had a birthday a couple of days ago, 28 now...
merry christmas
no, I wouldn't dare put anything too revealing here,
(I know better)
the holidays are nice, it reminds me that I know my family
a lot better than any of us are willing to admit
happy holidays, everyone.
safe travels and best wishes to you and yours
celebrate life!
-alexis
p.s. I have a new counter now
really, I am so glad I forgot about this journal...
here:
at least she hates me...
bitter rants, that what this has become, huh?
well this time it's about reality,
nothing's real, except maybe the money
but my gimmick is to still have hope,
in life, in humanity
so I'll tell you I do, and things'll be just fine
yes, just fine.
here:
"what's for you won't go by you"
no matter how hard you try to fight it off,
it will catch you,
I hope
no I don't trust nyone,
fuckin fucks doin ll kinds of shit to me
fuck you,
you find your ltch nd hng on
go get 'em
I'll tke shot just like you did me
how did you hndle it?
bitch, mybe I cn lern from them
fucking rediculous
yeh, I'm feeling you
my pride won't let me
rging gin
wht ws it, I know I cme off s n sshole tonight
with severl people
whtever, i let you get to me, you don't do the sme
so pece
allright, well today I'd like to thank
Sharon McJannet for asking me out to
see her boyfriend's show...
at the door, I happenned to find
a(n) One Hundred Dollar Bill ($100)
lying on the floor
it was, of course, too late to buy any lottery tickets
but now, I can eat and pay rent, properly
thanks!
-yours
ps. all of this written using control-v for my a's and !'s
ok, so it goes...
my comfortable little world,
convenient
everything is so profound,
my paranoia says I'm dead.
what do you think?
ok, I gotta edit some of this stuff that makes me sound stupid...
done, I don't know who is reading this anymore,
I don't know what is going on anymore,
this is my day(again) in a nutshell:
burning bridges
building bridges
dying
living
loving
hating, it's all the same, afterall, huh?
oh, man!
happy fourth
peace
out
party people, cast of characters tonight at the comfest
leslie,anthony,davefrick,aaron&simeon,donovan,post,jason
mikejordan,pat,greg,jefffernagle,chrisblousey,angela,
rob,rayfusco,beth,briangalinski,bruce,andytaylor,
mariavianello,mart&alexa&mike,pat,copper,lizatzenburger,
lauren,sarah,ken&savant,keikichihonna,emilyhausener,melanieshull,
jenniferannbell,bill&yuki,russianalex,the bygones,
grafton,tim easton,michellelewin
if you are on this list, this is an official shout-out,
cause I'm a dork like that
nice to see everyone again
feel the love, yo
-alexis
as good a reason as any,
I guess
hope I don't fail,
or prove I'm a wuss...
we'll see
hi, I'm back, here' s my webpage alexisdeleon.com
check it out
ok, I'm at work, f'n ready to leave for
the big easy
gas conference,
bring it on
# Wearing jade will bring you luck.
# For your health, don't worry or be thinking all the time.
anyways, do I have too many aquiantences?
I may see you again
all of you
(of course, I remember and miss all of you)
everything seems so temporary
all the things that have ever meant anything to me
have turned to fleeting memories,
(that has to be my attraction to glass)
thus I speculate that relationships have become seeded in hendonistic intent
or weighted in some other area which I think or thought important
maybe it's because I don't quite trust my priorities, yet
even though these priorities are more honest and respectable then one may think
thanks
-alexis
of course, upon further review
I didn't allow for any entrance
I'm so damaged, but I do love
peace, please
ok, well my horizons may be as broad as they have ever been
step 2 of a long slippery slope path
it's stupid because it's friends
not just some
whatever, yeah
now really, what will the bridge club think?
ok, so I don't know who to be anymore,
I'm coming of age and have become a shy,
quiet recluse
am I going to forget my dreams,
lose them in a mess of paying bills
drinking carelessly,
and being overly sensitive?
I'm no fun
fuck it all
I skipped out on my accupuncture appointment
to hopefully get my computer fixed...
(traded one activity that will make me feel better
for another that will make me feel stupid, and ultimately worse)
ok well this morning I found 2 four leaf clovers
picked up some responsibilities
spent some money
caused a ruckus at some korean restaurant
singing 'bohemian rhapsody' too loud
played off of racist paranoia
peace, elbow grease, and fuck you please
man, I can't find my phone,
and my computer is down.
today, yesterday...
for the team?
I hate having a boss
do I trust anyone?
what the hell am I gonna do?
am I a complete failure?
I need to be released from all the shit that is holding me back
ok figuring things out,
kinda sorry, kinda pathetic
fuck all
my japanese roomate is looking over my shoulder
reading all of this
making fun of me, not so funny
yesterday was fun
again I'll use keywords
(that I won't be able to place with memories of yesterday):
shit clogged toilet,
kieth clayton
goddamn gallery hop engagement,
18th century creamatorium neighbor asking us to leave,
umbrellas and nancy sinatra,
j.a.p.o. meat
peace,
keep on keeping on.
-alexis
ok, so am I mostly a coward?
at least I'm no fake, or shady
I feel like people can't see through me,
because it's really me I'm putting out
I'm not dressed up, or acting falsely
I'm mostly tired.
ok, so this is in case my goddamn, fucking bitchass computer
still won't work, after I try to fuck with it.
the story is: I installed "1n\/er$10n" and left it on for fucking hours
so some motherfucker put a virus on my machine
and now it won't even boot.
I closed mirc, shut it down and took it apart, didn't scan it, didn't restart it, nothing...
just shut it down.
fuckall
hey, I really have to stop feeling so cornered, so stuck
I am, though, I am stuck...
anyways, fuckall
ok, show's over now I gotta eat and clean up
thanks everyone, I love you all, you know this....
ok, so now I'm redefining what's real to me(finally)
nothing is really, but
I know that this show is real
maybe it's like a cotillion
where I present my work to the world
or just another show
it's my first solo gig...
people from all over the place are going to be there, like crazy
lots of people... show show show...
so (to keep in line with "what's real?")
this is real... this show is all for them
and you.
this is the get together where I can have people I enjoy
gather.
thanks for reading...
-alexis
hey what's up?
I just took some polaroid pictures of the studio that I've been in for 2 weeks
and I have a feeling I'll miss it...
I stared at the polaroid and then at the scene I shot
and noticed little details, kinda like in minority report.
it was a strange feeling
knowing that I could reach into this picture and change things
and knowing that I'd probably look at this picture later and wish I could...
we'll see...(I was told twice today that I need to take pictures of the studio space,
once by lisa and once by richard).
pictures make shit last too long
ok peace...
oh, and now I get to work in a shared space, whadda ya think of that?
that's the question I'll have for everyone who walks by.
monkeywrench in my gears, worked through a g-love cd, then started another
my prof walked in with some dude,
and now all my insecurities and everything is at work
freakin out
freakin out
sorry, why do I do this...
it is not break time, get back to fucking work, bitch
ok archives, so I can journal when I'm forced to Mac.
that's how I lost it in the beginning...
I lost it
p.s. oh, and yesterday's word was "crooked"
(from a flyer on the design school's floor, and from jake about a bubble)
my show, click later for a card
I found out I talk too much,
like I fucking care
man, I'm free,
I excuse myself.
that's all
apparrently I'm a stalker now...
great, wonderful, brilliant....
blame,
I feel trapped and stuck like a fat pig
no backbone, or anything to support me,
alone, with nothing, but a bad attitude
maybe I just need sleep
outta here
ok, my nap's over, anyways
I feel better now, really...
I 'chose' not to?
am I fucking crazy or just a lozer?
forget
forget the bathroom
forget the walk of shame
forget I passed out
forget juniper
forget the dinner bucket
forget lunch
forget blossom
forget the marver(but the furnaces were cold!)
I'm not raging or dirty, intent is important, and I know better
forget, dickweed, forget...
I can't be here and call this my life
totally empty
kinda.
assholes, sensitive geeks, conformist lemmings(assembled into a monster),
like I have a clue...
fuck you, I'll be me, you be you.
(that's what I'll important to not listen to all the bullshit in my head
There is alot of shitty things I've done that I regret,
enough to fuckin' ruin me forever, I believe it
anyways, yeah I let it get to me, and I get fucking buried...
so much more,
this is where being bipolar and crazy can help me.
crazy enough to think I can overcome this mountain of horse shit
and convince myself of a cheer enough to make my years of stupidity
an oblivious mishap of luck.
fuck you, you shady fuckwads, you have no idea...
-peace, but not to you.
defeated by the day, again
so depressed
I feel like I can't move forward, worthless
worthless
physically sick, I feel sick
happy new year, ya?
another one of those freak out days,
you know.
I keep thinking, that's my problem
gotta stop thinking...
ok, I was thinking about the past
the goal is
to release the past that binds me,
and accept the past that empowers me.
peace...
today I've decided to start taking note and sharing with you
the mysterious words that
haunt or follow me throughout the day
(the words that hit a resonance with me enough for me to trip over it,
with or without a reasonable explanation).
for example, a word of the past was "100%"
I must have heard that 3 or 4 times from different people
(someone was trying to tell me something... about school, about my career, about my lovelife?)
so... today's word is "Eagle"
I have no fucking clue
have I worked for anything in my whole life?
anything?
sad, I know
realest thing ever
could explain it, but would I let...
pick up and move on
I need to change(clothes)
ok, back where I started...
I know what that means
we finally talked... finally!
yes. all I do is brood over shit,
I'm a fucking mess
caught a cold, and don't feel well
I'm so sick of the list of things to do
everything feels so futile, what is the point?
crazy dream last night:
I was wearing a necklace with a feather on it,near the clasp
and a necklace with things like lemons on it,
in a big grassy field on a hill, feeling good to be free
looking up and being saddenned to tears
that I could only see in widescreen
so I walk back to the 'cabin'
on the way up I get looks from people
get back look for beers in the fridge under the stairs
for some guests, as people walk by
I see some beers in the fridge that I don't expect
I think there's more...
treated l!ke shit, I get it
sketch, get fake
don't think of me
this was a good day for me
now I'm weeks behind
am I really dreaming, or am I as hopeless as it seems
relax
sometimes I feel like I have nothing
ok, I get it I'm too obsessive
I blew it anyways, I couldn't take care of her
I so need to relax
uh...
well, it's just me
(wouldn't it have been funny if I attacked tonight?)
(yeah real funny like that)
no
I had fun, I don't trust anyone
shit's dead
I have to worry about everything I do and say(just like you do)
like a parnoid freak
the 'good'(for those of the sort) news is
when I really do, do something to worry about, no one is really bothered
but you know it's not me to be like that...
and if you are like that, yer fucked
some 'revelations' today:
- don't get consumed by bitterness.
- everything is gonna be ok.
- I should just really relax.
why do I a) allow myself to fuck up?
b) regret, and beat myself up over my fuck ups
stop doing what you are doing,
have confidence in yourself,
relax
it'll be just fine
ok man, what the fuck is up?
getting spun, thown, and flipped over backwards,
what a day!(and it just started)
life goes on, man
stop it, what does she need?
ok,
me, me, me, me, me...
but I'm still not good at it.
go figure...
well, bombs went off in india,
very close to where
someone special is
I hope she's ok
that's all.
nothing's fun....
Aquelera do Brasil
Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June,
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured "someday soon."
We kissed and clung together,
Then, tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say;
Now, when twilight dims the sky above
Recalling thrills of our love,
There's one thing I'm certain of
Return I will to old Brazil.
I need to keep more secrets,
and not tell everyone everything,
(except, of course, you... I trust you)
it's probably a defense,
for when I get scared and threatened.
my mind is kinda the weakest, and don't have the power to deal
sometimes...
ok, neptune - secretive
saturn - developed, and governed
I think I'm picky, and that's good
"she's not affected, because they laugh at me, not her" - maybe mark twain
yes this journal used to be a report of the inspired life lesson
of the day...
but now has become a gripe session
this abuse is out of control
peace
obnoxious
thinks he knows everything
lazy
lacks self confidence
wallows in self-pity(this journal)
lacks direction
is broke
never learns
needs to escape
is always considered guilty
not well liked
just give up, man...
hey what's up?
figured a few things out today, about treating people, etc...
but why is it always such a fight
I guess it cures boredom...
maybe I'm slow...
in fact I think I am
I need money and a job, and some responsibility
ok, whatever,
right?
peace
ok, well am I really a selfish bastard,
probably,
I will... I'll try at least, gotta know what's up with me...
I try so fucking hard,(too hard)
and I could have treated someone better,
know it's too late...
hi, yeah the world isn't out to get me,
but I think my new roomates are
oh well, if any of you ever read this
maybe I'll see ya, hopefully not, right...
hopefully not...
hey, sorry bro about that,
I totally forgot you were mentioned
man I need to chill!
bad time to do anything but stay home...
really
ok, how's it going?
just mustering up what I can,
it's not what I am in my world that bothers me
something else, maybe the real me, maybe what could be me
whatever, right?
["it's enough to make kings and vagabonds give up the very best"
sorry to quote elton john but that's an interesting quote...
and I'm not picky, just bitter and desperate...(from 'who wants to marry my dad')]
-believe in love,
alexis
hi, so I read my past journal entries,
actually had them read to me by windows xp's narrator program, and
I am not impressed,
saw a sort of deterioration
from a hopeful dreamer to
a warped, pessimistic crazy
I can still chirp songs of hope without having to fake it...
but now maybe it's just buried a little deeper,
under lots of negative stuffs
which make up what you see and feel...
maybe I need to take a break.
-alexis
p.s. lot's of things, I gotta quit being afraid of people, I gotta quit being so paranoid, I gotta living the way I want, and getting what I want, and I gotta take care of myself better, ok...(I'll get back to you if it goes well, if not.. it's not worth it)
I'm ok, thanks...
peace, catch you on the flipside of down...
hi everyone,
on my way to penland,
so I've been thinking lots of things,
like hate(I mean, how is the world that you make for yourself?),
self-doubt(what are you really worth?),
and superficiality(what is really important?)
I also saw movies that I liked and made me think
like Spirited Away(made me think of the people I come across in my life, and what they are to me),
Kiki's Delivery Service(finding your motivation to continue with life),
Starship Troopers(what is acceptable in that society... with boy-girl showers(a great scene with some of the most pure acting), and the movie's so-real-it's-crazy pop culture)this movie mentions harvard
Bamboozled(spike lee adresses racism again but this time I felt emotionally attached to the characters)this movie mentions harvard
Catch Me if You Can(reality is what you make of it, huh? and the truth is always so fucking cool, and this movie mentions harvard)
one redeeming quality about all of these movies is that they all
incorperate a love or even sentiment, between characters.
and I even saw movies that sucked like The Last Dragon(a waste of time, it was the underdog-makes-good-and-gets-the-girl story)
ok, that's all for today
peace for all...
hey 'dancer in the dark' sucks, man
buy the soundtrack but don't see the movie
...toyed with mostly
hey what's up we had a 'specify glass' show today,
it went well, I missed an interview with the lantern
I also found 2 4-leaf clovers today(off the same plant), coincidence?
no luck involved, man, none...
hmm, anyone seen that x-files when mulder found a whole handful of 5-leaf clovers, that was awesome...
I'm always doing something else when the x-files is on
peace and nacho cheese
hey, don't frown...
go good!
it's never too late
to you out there:
don't ever stop dreaming,
until it's over...
trust me, this is right.
hi, back again, trying to get organized...
I think this journal has become too close to the real me
I need to talk about what a beautiful day it is
and how my sinuses never feel quite right...
enjoy the springtime funk, after all
it's ALL springtime funk.
we are going to alfred, ny to see an old prof, ruth
hopefully we'll have some fun, I like to party.
I wanted to go to nyc to see michelle, but it's not gonna happen, too far
(I like new york city)
for tomorrow...
love conquers all.
never lose hope, have some of mine...
-alex!s
oh and,
happy st. patrick's day
yeah it's cool, always depressed lately
it's the bills, the taxes, and the insurance
will I make it!?
whoknows...
enjoy the sun and everything under it...
no, man I don't trust anyone...
I know the tricks
and I am as paranoid as they come!
so many little weird things that make me think so
little things
weird things
I know I used to care
I think I still do
if it isn't, will I know?
is my heart capable of love?
still not sour from deceit,
not yet hopeless from lies,
accepting all the smiles from those, unknowing, who ween me from true life,
yes.
it is my place to believe...
until the end.
even she can't look me in the eyes.
a trust, so easily broken
is not,
can not,
no matter what we report,
be
a true love...
this is why I need more
(and need to say less).
you win
(true love doesn't exist you stupid motherfuckers)
that's fucked up when the only reason to be nice to me is
sometimes it's the only way... right?
mostly paranoid? or just plain lame, lame lame lame....
so...
"suspicion breeds confidence"(from Brazil)
that's why I doubt and the world crashes on me
incredibly worthless and distinctively puny.
I found myself to be somebody I did not ever want to become...
there is no appropriate penance, so now I wallow.
(why do end each day telling myself to do better?)
man, I get to read my past entries, and they suck...
the last 2 were censored, sorry.
this one is about my complexes
one that thinks I'm worthless,
a 'you think you're better than me!?' complex,
a center of attention problem,
trust issues,
and some others that I can't think of right now.
it's easy to blame my childhood, adolesence, and relationships
maybe there was always something missing,
that's why I'm so messed.
besides that I think right now, I am just another lazy dreamer,
who wants it all, but would rather have it served to me, preferably without having to leave the couch...
ok, penny Alexis you are a moron
hmm, I wonder if my nickel will dime me tonight...
maybe there is more(or less) going on than I thought,
ok, I'm quarter here
ok, I figured out why I am 1 in my 2 3,
after my stay in the hospital, some 3 years ago, I became half 4
when you break your 5, 6 7 flows out of your 8,
my 9 10 was leaking this yellow fluid, and now
I think that it is because I have a dried
11 12 clot stuck in my 13
I have not gone 14 since my accident,
I realized that too, isn't that weird?
maybe I have and had just forgotten
I don't know.
so, I should go to a 15 so they can tell me if they see anything in
there that's unusual, in the meantime I should 16 or something
to get that shit out of my 17...
l8r
man, I hope I'm not some monster,
some predator,
I have crazy evil thoughts sometimes,
I'll just pray for them to go away...
maybe I'm not right,
dear God I hope not...
...easy man, easy...
ok typing this 2wice tonite, you phreaks!
so much shit to think about, what is art?
it ain't (certainly is not) me...
ok, late... don't take the bait,
alexis
p.s. click these links today, it's a nAsty computer art webring
goats, I got 'em and people get 'em
I can't let 'em,
think, rudeboy... maybe I always do mess shit up
use your head
that's all, mr. dowrong
nice to meet you please leave me alone.
hey
the pc is back, so there'll be more of me...
I've found myself more busy,
less bored and wasting time online
I don't know if that's good,
maybe now we'll see what a real failure I can be
if I actually try
(like I'm really gonna try)
peace like geese...
oh, I confessed
no I don't feel like a looser cause
I gotta work on a project during the Soupabowe
well, anyways, it'll be pirates tonight, that's
comforting
I gotta run,
hey ok, just a quick note...
Im wrong as always, I like dos alot, I always think the worst,
and too much of it. on that,
I'm the hell outta here...
peace and wrestling grease
"your making me Paranoid!" -dude in the backseat
happy new year I guess, I think I lost a few.
she doesn't read this anyways.!
I don't know why,
whatever whatever, I feel sick
I'm outta here...
2003 - why's this bullshit happen to me?
merry christmas
for what it's worth
to all you hounds of hell, those who are fallen too deep into the dark side
(am I one already?)
maybe I encourage you and temp you too much
in the end, you can do whatever you want
consequences are temporary
I'm a fucker
peace to the baby jeees
p.s. I'm at my brother's comp, mystery men is playing on dvd!
live from fucking dow's
2 hours and I'm fucking 26!
no, I'm not going to spend this one alone, not tonight
no
not tonight
(I'll spend it at a bar drinking my ass off)even worse
I need the truth, just a glimpse, not all of it
ok, motherfuckers still trying to smooth out the wrinkles from this weekend...
this is what happenned, weird bad stuff...
josh's friend from back home got stabbed and killed,
ted's friend committed suicide
sally was held up at gunpoint at her bank
susan's boyfriend's boss pulled a gun on his wife
a tornado hit erin's county
a hailstorm broke my window
and I got robbed
all this weekend...
and to you thieves who took my projector, my guitars, my glass, and my gameboy
fuck you!
to everyone else:
peace and good vibes, until the weather says it's ok to go crazy
p.s. sorry I missed the marbles tonite.. that sux
and I can't help freaking out about things
I think I know...
only time will tell...
thanks!
you!
hey, here again, I'm afraid that my pc at home days are limited
so I'll write something profound and leave you with something
remarkable...
the last day on earth...
hello thank god it's friday,
it's actually saturday morning, but
nobody's paying attention
(to me, thank god because this journal entry sucks.)
"it's all the same day, man..."-janis joplin
ok, back in beezniss...
me pc is back on line.
now for the regularly scheduled amount of comfort and disreguard for the web...
ok, fuckitall
I don't know, thingsa weird...
plenty-o-fake people out there,
are you one?
peace out with your peas out!(not so funny, man)
hey, another day like this...
kinda stressful,
makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong
and I know something's going right
I feel paranoid, like people are out to get me
I don't underestimate them,
but I also know that if someone really wanted me dead
it wouldn't be that hard
paranoid about strangers trying to make things personal
it'll get to me, eventually today...
I'll break and we'll see...
but right now I'm doing fine.
thanks, and take it easy, you "children of the going on"
ok, right now I'm skipping class
(yesterday vanilla beer, soccer, and yoga)
because I didn't want to be 7 minutes late(again)
I'm thinking that people might think I'm some primadonna
who doesn't need to show up for class,
especially when it seems like mostly freshmen in there.
I was also thinking that tomorrow when we meet
I could ask the person next to me
if we did anything and borrow notes...
more importantly right now, there's something going on
I remember saying to myself,
it's not necessarily what I need
but what I want...
maybe for a more comfortable life
maybe just so I'm not
maybe because...
I'm a hopeless romantic
hi!
I was told that I seem like I'm hiding something, and that I need to stop being
afraid of life, having one, and being a part of one.
now, on my way back from dinner with my parents tonight,
I realized what I'm hiding.
I'm embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not doing
this life thing right.
I am trying to hide the fact that I should not be here, in school still,
coasting with life, spending money that will haunt me later.
this makes everything that I've made for myself here seem terribly wrong,
and I cannot enjoy it without a nagging conscious.
I have no direction, I'm counting on my clever disregard for convention
to eventually make me successful at whatever I do.
I guess I have faith in God, and myself...
even if nobody else does!
things I should've done a long time ago.
maybe I don't know what's good for me.
forget about it, forget it all!
God doesn't listen to what I say.
ok!
I'm so fucked up...
stagnant, afraid to move on
then, I start questioning myself
do I have anything that's mine?
allright, here goes... fuckin great, here goes
wish me luck...
man oh man, I think the people around me are trying to make me crazy
Maybe they already succeeded.
hooray for you guys
please gloat when it's over, not a second sooner
then live your useless lives telling stories about it
useless, that's all...
ok, not so bad, I guess
not so bad
I guess it helps that I have no idea what I'm doing
what is it really all for?
none of this makes any difference to me
really
I should have... a long time ago
if you are reading this write something in my fucking
guestbook, please...
hey this is me, what's up?
just washed my rug with 4 goodyear blimps flying in formation over me
that was weird
all of a sudden there was a loud buzz
and I expected to bombarded with water balloons.
college football...
ok, I feel fine...
confused maybe!
but I'm fine don't feel bad, don't feel good,
anyways, bo-ring for you, sign the guestbook, asswipe.
man, oh man
this is so crazy
you suck
I feel better
lfdows on high
so I'm doing something wrong,
I feel bad about a chair.
I'm gonna return it when I can
I apologized 2wice, but I'll still return it.
and there's something else wrong, but I don't know what it is...
hey just got done writing 4 essays for my final exam in history of art.
click on "exam" to read them.
it's about girls, gods, and monsters the usual.
sorry I was bitching at my teacher,
I don't hate her, she's just angry.
lf fine arts library
goddamn it,
bitter people, I'm fucking bitter too, so you go and fuckoff.
my history of art teacher is an angry dyke!
hey now wait, I'm at the computer labs
and this shit's crazy.
finals are coming next week and I got 3 2 study 4.
now I gotta check my guestbook
crazy bitch
hey another day, I need to start working hard,
instead of sitting around and getting fat.
please welcome sam:
Hello, everybody! This is your guest journalist Sam! I am goin to put an exclamation point after every freakin' sentence! Alexis and I work in one of the most boring places on earth! Alexis is so cool! He's talking on his cell phone right now! I have a cell phone! It's name is Schmoouu! I was going to call it Herman, but my mother said that was an ugly name!
I'm going to tell a story now! Once there was a little bunny, and it was bright pink! Like, NUCLEAR PINK! Radioactive pink that fried the beholder's eyeballs! Sweet, huh?! So anywho, one day the bunny thought, This Sucks. I want to take over the world! So Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman went to the White House and knocked on the door!
BANGBANGBANG!
And George W. Bush came to the door and said what the dealio?!
And the bunny said I'm gonna fuckin' take over the presidency and then the world!
And Dubya recognized the threat to his power in the bunny, and shot the bunny dead!
BAMBAMBAM!
And since the bunny was a fucking bunny, which are pretty much useless, defenseless animals, well, bitch went down!
And then, Dubya got the chair for his brutality, 'cause he killed a little crippled homeless minority girl in the bunny's shower of bullets, and America was saved!
Thanks Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman!
(I'm sorry I kept this -a)
hey what's up?
well now, my shit is so not together, it's rediculous
quiz tomorrow and quiz tuesday, I think I'm ready
I need to find a place with more than one room
a bedroom, kitchen, and a livingroom
it's necessary...
ok, now something thought provoking and profound,
your mom.
hey what's up?, I don't know nothin,...
what is this all about?
man oh man,
there are a few things I have trouble with, I mean today I have to
start a new class, without a book, because I can't afford one
and I feel like crap, and the world sucks,
beyond that, enjoy the day.
ok motherfuckers, I don抰 know why but I can抰 type in my html editor
what the hell is up?
this is being written in word
hello hello, I'm back I got my password back, and now I'm online again...
for better or worse, I again have somewhere to put my crap...
my life has changed, I found that it isn't what I thought,
I still do believe that love is the answer and it will prevail...
(what a hopeless loser)
I am so wrong!
(ps.remember yesterday?)
hey today I'm 9,196 days old I really don't remember every day,
not even most of them...
is tomorrow a day I'll never forget
or even remember?
new today:
I figured I'm a flake,
realized I look back upon my life(like I'm dying) too much,
regretted a few days, cherished a few,
thought about my future,
realized that I put too much hope into tomorrow,
and found a word for my condition, apathy.
ok, lots of stuff, feeling particularly worthless. I feel like I was spin around the wheel and overlooked, by all sorts. there is no dignity in being me. I'm past worrying about that. why is my life so difficult. When I taste a morsel of it, I'm punished severly for it. really don't feel well, and I have only you, my anonymous lovers to cry to. parasitic, pathetic, worthless, I don't know what to do. end it now, you say, give up on your life, since you hate it so so much, poor fucking you, I've turned the page on you, see ya. my dignity keeps you alive with the taste of blood in your mouth, I need a life.
I was thinking I want to be like a river, or the ocean, or the sun,
how for them every day passes, and new things come and go
but the river still stands the tide keeps rolling, and the sun brings the next day
things are never the same,
things can never be the same
I can think of 4 times in my life!
(off the top of my head)
when this exciting hope for tomorrow, for the next second was real
utopia, heaven, bliss,
I wanna be like a river, pushing through each day, relentlessly
obyeing time
yet I'll stand, like the day before, strong, and ready for when tomorrow brings the same
but I'm not like a river, and it hurts
when the perfect moments are pushed on
kept in my heart, and never shared,
only real for those who remember
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm in the right, when I know, and the world knows, I'm in the wrong.
it's a weird feeling like I don't even want to go outside
there is a way to mess that up, and I'm convinced I do it.
and remember, you don't know me.
to sophie
new dayclock, that's all
later
pathetic, nothing, wasted, lost, hopeless, tired, I quit.
you know that one story about the kid who all the kids make fun of and laugh at
until he can't take it anymore
and he snaps!
then
he gets laughed at and made fun of even more
then he wakes up the next morning and there is nobody there
who cares about him
woah
killed
and dissected
the kid who's adrenal glands were the life of a killer rave
and who's lats were the main course?
>
that's you.
hi, another shitty day, overcome by the darkness once again, defeated,
on to another, more important, less pressing subject
my recent exploration of an artist named Eduardo Paolozzi has been strangely
accompanied by an introduction to architecture.
convienent, isn't it.
still I remain a loyal fan to my favorite artist Egon Schiele(look it up, man)
hi Live From Dow's
wow winter wonderland action outside, about 3 inches of wet
packing snow.
ok, lata!
happy new year, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled, twilight zone marathon. insanity on tv, insanity all over.
it's getting close, I need to organize my thoughts, but I don't know
if that'll help or what.
ok, we made it, happy 2002.
ok!
hello, another birthday,
again, I am alone,
but alive, and not in the hospital(3* strikes and you're out, right?)
*{in '76 the 23rd was in the newlyborne room, '99 was in the icu}
25 today,
ok, it's either 5:20am
or at 5:31
but regardless,it's open season from here on out...
just kidding... ?
hello motherfucker
there is no story, still haven't figured anything out
with an emphasis on anything
what the hell do I want?
you suck.
dude, new comp lab, free prints, rock on like your mother!
this funky split-hump keyboard gets me off too, peas
hello nice to see that people are tuning in.
please tell your friends, enemies, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, family,
anyone anyone who needs a break from the grind...
you know I'll do my best.
email me, it don't cost nuthin, and I won't reply unless you ask(nicely).
love,
alexis
p.s.
ok, before I saw how visited my site was I did think of something to share
last week, I had a dream where I was drinking at a bar or a party or something
and I had to go to the bathroom
standing over the toilet,
I thought to myself wow, I really had to go, this feels great
then I realized that, that wasn't peeing,
this is peeing.
and I went.
yes, I wet my bed because I couldn't decipher my dreams from reality.
(I blame it on drugs)... anyways, now everytime I go pee, I think to myself,
damn, this feels good, am I awake or what?
hey fucker
no time for this, none
thanks,
lfd
hi, I was reading some old entries and I must request that you please excuse me...
the word "laid" should be eliminated from my vocabulary
unless it's used to describe railroad tracks,
carpet, concrete, or tiles(I think they're set, though)
anyways, like I said
to all you lovers
keep doin' what your doin'
mornin' just got off my feet, and it feels great,
yes I am I a loser,
not gettin laid
there is no excuse
fuck you
anyways
this issue(as there are many) is about self doubt
I let people down constantly
constantly
sometimes I'm just what they need,
sometimes, not enough
sometimes I raise hell(becuase as we all know...
just realized I did not adress the national crisis currently at hand
I pray for all the victims, rescue workers, volunteers, relatives, and friends involved in this, my prayers go out to you.
I wish I had anything more comforting to say.
but I sincerely pray for you, God is awesome, we can find strength in Him
hi, first day of school, kinda scary
the glass program said they wouldn't have me this quarter
so I drove home wondering what the hell I am going to do now
I'll miss everything about it
it really does suck for me
bad
real bad
my prayers go out to you,
God bless.
lfd
hey football
anyways, love, adventure, and life
tell me your story, and we'll see.
keep on rockin' in the free world, please
lfd
hey, crazy weekend happy birthday Cap.
I don't know what to say, never do...
still scared of livin'...
you've heard this before
I talk too much,
enjoy it all... that's why it's there
in the past, I've loved, cared, and the sort
insisting, I continue
thank you
lfd
hey, I'm fucked up, I know...
workin on it, thanks.
just because
as far as my emotions go,
but now there's just no time, and
I can bee doing other things.
thanks for tuning in.
p.s.
Today I asked someone to painnt the town red with me, and was turned down, sucks
hey, I'm a drunk, abused, and lonely soul. fuck all this.
lfd
sup mofo?, winds of change blowin,
not at my back... I did my dishes today.
lator
hi, you wouldn't believe..
well, maybe you would!
the summer of love continues...
!
hi l.f.d.
sup yo? trickery, deciet, lies, truths, lives, and the sort.
I ask, how are you?
...
but remember, wherever you are...
it's almost over
LFD
hi lovers, remember, that's what we are...
lovers.
my dream world is nice,
I can't leave.
I would like to know the truth.
but
I'm already crazy.
5.18.2001 1239am
that last entry was poorly written, and I apologize.
I don't know if I'm well,
I beleve in tomorrow
and I try to stay honest
ok fuck it, here is a real journal entry,
I was thinking about shit like, masturbating, real life, inhibitions, rage, sex, then I saw a tape of me earlier in the day, and I realized shit about shit, but really what's weird, is that things that mean shit to me, could mean something to someone else, but I don't take the chance, it's weird I noticed how I am really oblivious sometimes, but feel over sensitive other times. before this I was working on being confident with my decisions, and trusting myself, and I guess, now that I think about it maybe I am fighting it. I don't know, ok well, this is...
no now wait, now I'm thinking about what's real, I do see into people, but really sometimes what I see scares me, sometimes, it can't be trusted, sometimes it's beautiful, really beautiful, there is a place in people's eyes, kept for the truth, past the glaze, past the eyewear, past the sounds coming from thier mouthes, it's not fair, I live there and hacve no other choice, I cheat my life if I don't and I can't live if I don't, maybve this iss the place of reality, maybe people have made fake lives with everyday things, to accept that this life isn't the one for them to live. to live out thier dreams, fantasies. I am scared, but I trust in god. This journal may just be for some kind of future inspiration, I don't know.
I am cautious, and paranoid, and oblivious... but maybe I hear what I need to hear, since this new reality has just been brought upon me, I don't know if I should keep with the original plan, about me trusting mywself, thakn... thnks...then agian it coulsd be jsut perfedct timing, and just what I nee.d.
(maybe I'm in my own little world)
more later... love
BLFD
fuck.
hi LFD(live from dow's)man, I don't know what the hell is up
I woke up this morning with my front door just about kicked in
that's nice, huh?
I tried being myself on saturday night, and it turned out pretty good
self doubt may be(is) my biggest obstacle
I am my worst critic
really, I think I need help
hi yes, broadcasting live from dow's
played 2 games of pool, lots of friends, though
wish there was more...
thank you
1917?-2001
I'm still confused about how the world works.
I don't mean like compound interest or traffic lights
I mean like human relationships
us humans have been around for a long time before money and
before roads, and I'm know we've had these relations
but why can't I be like everyone else?
and funcion within these rules, lies, truths, whatever
maybe I should do what I feel...
that would be too easy
when I try to play the games
whatever
-alexis
hi merry tuesday,valentine's day is coming...
yuk
well, looks like we made it, another year has gone by
without us humans managing to blow it up or burn it down
we'll get there, one day we'll get there...
happy new year...
happy halloween, devil's night is something, isn't it?
hey if you're reading this, please, burn the negativity
and live in the positivitty.
amen brother, peace out...?
hi, lots of stuff has happenned , some unanswered
wake up calls, some terribly disturbing character
development, a few spastic episodes. No I don't know
what I'm doing with my life, please email
me with suggestions and clues. thanks,
love, alexis
la la la la hi again, we're here again
do you remember when
we had daily journal en-
trees are still green here
lots of gut from drinking beer
this shit is too weird
for me and the dog
who can't read this log
who lives off coswell cogs
because his daddy works there
the future doesn't make me scared
bottled water in the shelter, I'm all prepared
I wonder what n'sync'll wear
tomorrow, maybe I can borrow, some fashons from a farro,
I'm not david navarro.
_____/_
alexis \
hi, I'm back. I realized today that I may be a little
scarier than I thought, I could be wrong, but
I don't know. this page does say alot...
some might call it introspective, some may call it
insanity, to really read all this crap
you have to have some weird obsession about me,
you'd have to be as preoccupied with me as I am.
and yes, that is fucked up(although I appreciate
the attention, I don't know I want it, or even deserve it.
ok, thanks, love to you all!
ok, not much to say, I feel like I'm getting old,
to some of my peers, it seems,
saving
the world may have taken second place
to living a comfortable
lifestyle... and there's nothing wrong with that.
but, seeing as how I haven't really accomplished anything
more than memories and good times, I really should start
thinking about what my life will amount to.
on that heavy note, I'll leave you...
-in the rain, Alexis
friggin' baby steps, this page is taking forever...
love ya!
ok, please don't forget to celebrate what you have.
thanks
love, alexis
hi, welcome to another day, I'm trying something
new, a new page on to link to, from here, originally
a gallery?, but I don't know. I don't think I'll get
anything done today
ok, laters, enjoy
Hey the word of the day is "ether wind"
The nonexistant "light wind" thing caused by the
earth's rotation. In 1882 Michelson did an experiment
disproving it and in 1887 Morley repeated it, with the same
result.
Welcome to another session, I feel fine today
I'm still restless and my attempts to save the world
are put on hold for now. good day, laters
Ok, while I'm still preoccupied with recooperating
I've been thinking, and there's alot of it to be
done, considering. So thorough exploration of all ideas seems reasonable.
I actually had ideas about the karmic implications
involved with the fact that I was covered in a feather filled comforter
when I tried to "fly"... some of the best I could
think of is that God decided that I need my legs
and arms for some reason, and let me keep them.
Beyond that I really haven't really figured anything out.
Hello, Happy New Year, wow, it's 2000 and the world didn't explode
for y2k. As the first addition to my webpage for
this new thousand years, I'd like to say something
timelss, meaningful, and shit, just something good.
I hope this millenium goes well, we should all think
positivity, creativity, and productivity for everyone
so we can all go far.
live your dreams, never give up, happy 2o^3... I guess -alexis
Welcome once again. My discharge date is tomorrow
and I'm nervous about the 'real' world, I think I'll
be ok,(knock on wood). I'd like to thank the wonderful
people here who make up the staff, they are an awesome
team and I really appreciate all the work they've done for me
Thanks, Alexis.
Hello again, today I'll just update you on my mood, it's
ok, in the most boring, stagnant way possible.
I won't know the condition of my brain when I leave this
place, and hopefully I won't be slowed too much.
Today I went to the art institute and was thoroughly
impressed by the artifacts and artwork there.
I love art and I think I always will.
Hello, Merry Christmas yesterday, I hope it was white
in your area, mine was. Please be generous, kind and
loving this holiday season, and let it live on.
Welcome, and thanks for tuning in.
I've been working all day to earn the right to say
I have spent my birthday in a hospital bed
(more than one birthday that is)
and it's not worth it.
thank you, goodnight -alexis
hello, today I'm brodcasting live from Grandview
Hospital's rehabilitaion center. Eviedntly I felt that my post quarter
celebrations wouldn't be complete withou a 25-foot drop from my rooftop
and so(of course)I'm not one to fight the powers that be
and now I'm here, trying to re learn how to walk and not slur my words.
I'd like to thank my family and friends for thier support
I love them very much, and I'd like to say that I'm doing better and'll be out soon.
So until next time, love, be careful and unless you got feathers
don't even try it.
blah what a terrible entry!-alexis
Good morning, strange things are in the air. It's hard sometimes
when the hill's too steep, the road a bit too windy,
you can cry or you can go on.
In my life I have been put where people want me, where they
feel comfortable with me, and I can be whatever you want
I'm good like that. But I think I've pent too much time
pleasing people(it's time to {chill}) it's no longer
a good way to be accepted, for me at least. Certain
roles in life, I guess, it's crazy.
c-ya
Hello, welcome back to my world. Not much to say today, kinda
tired but I'll get by. Shit I don't know what to say.
Crap on a stick.
Hello good morning, fuck, I don't feel well, I have so much
to get done and it feels like no time to do it.
it's one of those things where If I don't start now,
they may never get done, I also have to stop using
my time unwisely,,,, Peace like a red fleece...
-alexis
I'm sorry for the disgusting journal entry, it wasn't
neat or anything, just disgusting, no truth, or anything
to it... although, someone did hit a possum in the road
the next day, it was disgusting. I have to tell you
what happenned, I found a kitten, and gave her away.
She was the cutest thing ever, I only had her for a day and
called her Yogurt. I found her a nice home, it's all good.
Hey well, peace, love and good things, Laters all.
-alexis
Hello, welcome back into my world... Lately I've been
working... alot. I had 3 jobs, a day gig stocking a warehouse,
a night job running pizzas, and being a computer lab assistant
on the weekends. This is my excuse for the neglect of my
page. I would like to blame Geocities-ur Yahoo, but it's my
fault, too. What else is new... Not much, oh I quit my daytime
thing, because I wasn't happy. School starts soon, I'm trying
to have fun, and I don't know... I have some cool new pics to
post on my site, I hope you like them.
laters! peace & happiness forever!
Hello world, if you aren't interested in spreading happiness
kindness, and positive vibes... I ask you stay out of my way.
The world psyche has been really messed up over the years.
There are actual people who decide to work against progress.
I understand the importance of certain sacred things that
aren't meant to be commonly known, but to destroy or alter the
truth, that says something for the society we live in,
the way we use our roles teachers, and (believe it or not) what we can
expect from future generations (until the entire world is
mislead, and nobody knows anything).
I don't believe in taking all of the collective knowledge of
all mankind and broadcasting it throughout the world...
but then again, would it help?
I realize that exposing certain areas of expertise could
mean the livelihood of some people, and I understand the
importance of that. I don't really know what I'm saying...
I guess a giant database of all human knowledge would be awesome
so nothing is lost... The keeper of this information has to be
somewhat trustworthy and good, I guess. I'm on crack.
laters all...
p.s. Happy Birthday!
Hello welcome again, sometimes when everything seems silly
all you can do is hope, and have faith that God will
provide and shine through you, and everything'll be just fine.
walk with faith, and it'll be cool.
It works, Try it today.
love, Alexis
Good morning, I decided to shine as long as possible,
clouds suck, but there is alot of goodness out there
it's all about finding it...
good people, I know you're out there, don't give up...
love, Alexis
hello, I'm tired, you know what this world needs?...
send me your suggestions
Hello everyone!!! Tonight we are broadcasting LIVE from
from Victorian's Midnight Cafe... The band just left,
they rocked. Rosewater something, they rocked. Allright
what do you want to hear about? Life? Relativity? Anything?
Anyhow we all love friendly conversation and there's
plenty to go around. Hey, keep breathing, it'll be allright.
We all love you...
be kind, and until next time we meet, love!
Hello all, I'm, back What do you want to know?
Here's this week's topic, Changes...
adopting to change, living it, and making changes...
I'm back, but I can't talk now.
Thanks, love Alexis
Hello, all. This week's topic is Quitting. Nobody likes
quitter... That is of course, if you weren't expected to
quit in the first place. I have been trying to quit smoking
for the last 2 or 3 months now, can you believe that?
My amazing stick-to-itiveness
has pulled me through
this terribly bad habit, and I'm working on developing
this new skill, hopefully to perfection. Giving up has
taken the best of all of us at one time or
another, losing the sense of accomplishment of actually
finishing, turning all the previous effort into wasted time,
admitting a goal too big for the likes of you,
and moving on...
Good morning... school's been goin and goin this is weird
揷 - where has the beginning of my journal gone????
(this journal was started in 1997 and one fine day while adding an entry on a mac, I lost two and a half years of entries!...
I was assured it wasn't apple's web browser that didn't allow me to save my archived entries,
once again it's 'operator error' but the blame will still rest on that damn computer lab full of G3's)
-揊 (this chinese character encoding glitch that just appeared is "bi", meaning "to strike/hit" or "to remove/withdraw");
