Sunday, June 29, 2014(8:17am)
From 11, now there are 4,
this morning we found one of our goldfish dead
he was the biggest we called him “Monster” because of it
he measured 8” from head to short tail
and was very heavy.
we brought 11 goldfish originally slated for death as feed
from Ridgewood, Queens, New York in our customized breathable bucket
and have lost 7.
this is truly a weird countdown of our ties to The (only) City.
We said a few words, and at 7:30am
threw him into the pond behind our house
Even in the air he glistened a bit and shined back at us,
big enough to dwarf the other fish in our tanks for years
yet puny enough to shimmer a pristine glow against the backdrop of nature
He hit the water with a smack, unexpectedly dulled only by his weight
then he was gone.
so it’s just a fish, even though we had him for 5 years
longer than anyone we know here
longer than any paychecks, cars, health insurances we have here
it’s a weird state, kind of sad,
kind of regret not snapping a photo of the dead fish
as a sort of proof that we raised such a big-ass goldfish
but also a relief that he wouldn’t have to continue the recent battles in his tank
with algae, a growing algae eater who seemed to overtake Monster’s zeal for food
so, the 4 remain, in our now goldfish tank.
there it is, our goldfish died this morning

June 18, 2014 (3:20am)
Live from Huron, Ohio
hello everyone, had another flashback of Downtown Brooklyn,
the night O'bama was elected.
how I ran into Min, the beautiful friend of the family that I really never felt I could impress.
that place was great, so many possibilities there
what a place to spend my youth.
don't know about here,
don't know about my youth
am I letting it fizzle away
I realized watching this World Cup,
if in some alternate universe where I became an exceptional professional soccer player
that this one, this World Cup in Brazil might be the very last one,
that is if I were good enough to keep on the team as the veteran/national hero/mascot
on that note I think Klinsmann is helping the US Class up thier act,
(btw why did he get rid of Donovan and the other popular US Striker? is he secretly trying to destroy any sort of tradition we could possibly build?)
a short clip scholding a defenseman looking for an offsides call
is all I can base my assumption on.
this is the gentrification of the Men's National Team
get rid of the childish riff-raff
win or lose play with dignity
the dignity that comes from playing on a team with history and reputation
a reputation you are obligated to uphold
maybe that is my problem, I forget where I come from
in the past I have represented Ohio, OSU, Brooklyn, Purdue, Dayton, and a few more I have forgotten.
I always manage to hang my head and forget
it's a syndrome and a disease
that I tell myself (and you) that I'm working on,
but am I?

6/17/2014(9:48pm)
this is from yesterday(this morning),
I have to do better to time and date stamp it when I dictate:
Dear future self if you're wondering where you were right now
i'm lying in bed trying to sleep after working a 10 hour hour third shift
hitting a crash test dummy with aluminum missile
worrying about a meeting to selectively increase my student loan debt
Aneta is in Atlanta for the rest of the week
worrying that the classes that I'll be taking won't be enough to earn what I need
not only to get out of debt but to become I'm the person I want to be
all I could really think of is
are these changes bad for us
are we bad for each other
were we only good for each other when we were so bad
we will have to find out
is it too late now to do anything about it
I really wonder if I ever read this again
on this day in 10 years or five years or three years later
i'll look it up and say wow I wish I was there again,
I doubt it
I still have flashbacks
Of running the Hillcourse and Ridgewood
of driving through Long Island city
driving over the Queensboro Bridge to rock center.
This is where I am now i'm working here on Ohio
working on the future that may never be there for me.
I'm having a hard time visualizing where want to be
last summer at this time
I would have been be driving to or from Toledo after blowing glass
spending all my time and money making glass that sold but not for enough.
I’m Going to close my eyes now.

with that I missed my appointment,
slept right through with my phone next to my ear even after he called
we will see what happens…

1/22/2014(12:56am)
I've noticed there are so many movies that are "based on true events" this year
12 Years a Slave,
American Hustle,
Dallas Buyers Club,
The Wolf of Wall Street,
42,
Emperor
The Frozen Ground
which ones am I forgetting?
Of course like they say, the truth is so much stranger and more unbelievable than any fiction.
but isn't that why we love movies?
for the relief that there are some stories where good guy wins,
that justice will prevail,
or love can and will conquer all,
or that heroes can live happily ever after.
We go to the movies to see the story of villans that operate above their fatal flaws
and can only be defeated by an equally supernatural force of good.
No matter what amazing feat was accomplished, ruthless evil was defeated, or tremendous suffering was braved, the brief sentences floating in the middle of the screen before the credits never deem the characters as triumphant or wretched as they are at the moment of the final kiss, or breath of freedom Are we as a culture progressing by the relief just a thought now where was I?

1/22/2014(12:27am)
yeah well, it seems like I'm late for everything these days.
I wanted to write something 27 minutes ago
about the stars tattoo I got yesterday
but I missed it.
I was busy begging a columbus art show in an email
to accept my late application
noticing a theme?
well aneta gets home this evening
and I start a new job thursday
fucking ridiculous how my parents act
like this is the goddamn only fucking accomplishment In my life
my ears are getting hot I'm fucking pissed
gimme your fucking easy money paycheck you corporate assholes,
know that's the only god damn reason I'm even showing up.
I'm selling out and I'm fucking pissed.
Fuck All

1/4/2014(10:11pm)
"The Wire" has consumed me lately.
I don't think it's as good as "Breaking Bad"
but I really like the complexity of the stories.
3 down but still 2 more seasons to watch,(in parenthesis are updates from 1/22)
I posted this on Craigslist:
wished wallace and d didn't die
and that little dude with the weird eyebrows who finished wallace off is a d-bag all
jealous of wallace and shit, he shoulda got shot from the chick on the bike(snoop)
(instead he got a job at footlocker, lame)
omar is my favorite bad ass gay guy ever
great showdown scene with mouzone in the alley
sucks to see him making out with dudes, he's such a badass
avon b. is cool, too
stringer is a sonofabitch glad he got what he got
mcnulty is a fucking slut, shitting on all his relationships, what an asshole.
hope carver gets his shit together and gets good
feel sorry for prez but fucking dumbass can't even go pickup the chinese takeout without fucking up?
cedric is like a ripped dhalsimn glad he's getting it on with that fuckbox redhead,
I was cooking when it happened so I don't know how she got on him
I swear I thought Kima and Mcnutty were gonna do it,
and the whole things was gonna be crazy weird
bubbs needs to get clean, they never showed him find out his partner is dead
mcNutty's babymama is so hot I'd like to see more of her breasts,
so is nick's girlfriend her boobs are perfect.
I love the wire because if there is a hot girl character,
chances are she's gonna show her tits, just like real life.(yeah right)
who is this marlo character(turns out he's a bad ass), hope avon wastes him and gets his corners
avon will get out of prison, his sleazy lawyer is the shit.
I thought the shootout would take out a few of the extras and fuck up some regulars,
like what if cedric became paralyzed and was like a black professor x him or herc
prez and ziggy(the dumb dock worker's son rotting in jail) are dumbass award winners prez is kinda ok, but ziggy is an ass
rawls is a jerk, and cedric's wife is scary.
(maybe they could have given more pause when a character who we spent time with dies,
that could be a recurring thing,
only for the characters that we knew or saw character development,
or at least a glimpse of change in
like staring into the dead character's eyes for a beat or two,
if they still had eyes, that is…
characters like D'Angelo, omar, Frank Sobotka
you know the ones that were good but died anyway… hmm) what do you think?,
oh and happy new year!